When you want to get actress Thompson’s attention, say: “Ahemma…”
When it came to his wrongful dismissal, the attache had a case…
Paul would sing at any time of the day or night; in the morning, he sang with his Robes on…
Would I perform a dance for two in the financial centre of the United States? In a New York minuet!
The man who insisted his dates have porcelain skin was a real alabasterd…
When the monster that had been long rumoured to live there disappeared for good, locals called the body of water Loch Emptiness…
What do you call a twelve-sided geometric figure that has gone extinct? A dododecahedron…
I told you not to write with those ancient Celtic characters, but you just had to rune it for the rest of us!
The black sheep of the family was baaed to the bone…
The yenta really knew how to put the peddle to the meddle…
Miracle cures from the last century were the Anacins of our fathers…
Alas, a lass’ alias can’t last…
My favourite TV series about a young woman whose DNA melded with a carnivorous fish species: Piranha Montana…
I know you had your heart set on being a seabird, but you just haven’t erned it…
After surveying their surroundings, Vladimir said to Estragon, “Better desolate than never…”
I wanted to use innovative punctuation, but my publisher felt it was too asterisky…
Hold your hearses – I’m not dead yet!
When her husband began drinking too many caffeinated beverages, Ida believed she had coffee grounds for divorce…
My favourite British comedian/dish featuring spuds: Catherine Tater tots…
When the left cuts programmes to curb the deficit, then the right explodes the deficit to pay for tax cuts, you can be forgiven for saying to the economy: “You look like debt warmed over…”
My favourite rifle/comic book artist: Carbine Infantino…
Do vampires who are concerned about the harmonious relationships between objects in a room practise fang shui?
When the long-time butler of the military family retired, all of the members said to him: “Thank you for your tea service…”
The battle between the linguists had been going on for years, but this time, the pronouns were personal!
My favourite Britcom about sheep working in a department store: Are Ewe Being Served?
You say you want your body to be frozen before you die, but you can’t afford the storage? Oh, cryo me a river!
Frequent golf players who are average at the game could be considered par takers…
My favourite Asian soup/rock music impresario: Udon Kirshner…
If Aniston was the disease, was Angelina Jolie the anti-Jen cure?
Because I’m a light drinker, I could only have uno equis…
You think you’ve found heaven on earth? Well, Shrangila-di-dah…
When the aquatic mammals took a mid-afternoon break from frolicking in the ocean, they enjoyed manatee for two…
The magician who always posted cute cat photos on Instagram was the wizard of aws…
If the greatest player in the history of the NHL had a habit of burping in Yiddish, he would have been known as Wayne Grepsky…
My favourite book about poisonous flowers: The Secreted Life of Plants…
When I first conceived of the play focusing on the central part of the retina, you could say it was a macula conception…
My favourite western hero with an elongated face: Hop-Oblong Cassidy…
The more frequently you post pictures of making out with others to social media, the more you are contributing to the snogophere…
My favourite character from The Nightmare Before Christmas/sixties band: Oogedy Boogedy and the MGs…
You say the movie you recently saw reinforced your dislike of your own country’s art? Well, that’s just Canconfirmation bias!
When he courted the vote of big sea birds, Barack Obama exhorted them to shout, “Yes, we pelican!”
I’m sure Morgan didn’t want to become another right-wing jerk, but he obviously succumbed to Piers pressure…
My favourite Harry Potter character/entrance to a room: Professor Albus Doubledoor…
When performing Shakespeare on the slopes in winter, actors must wax eloquent on their skis…
Some people thought Romney’s speech was brilliant, but I would submit that it was sub-Mitt…
What could be better than drinking a mai tai on a sky high jai alai court…?
For the pair of new arrivals looking for a place to reside, the real estate owner in Hell was the lessor of two evils…
When My Computer Crashes, I Hope I Can Re-Cover Stories…
