by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
Medical researchers at Frankenfurter, Germany’s prestigious Bubba Ghee Foundation believe that they have made a breakthrough in the battle to understand human creativity.
“So many different parts of the human brain are involved in the development of new ideas,” explained lead researcher Alphred “Tie” Kwan-D’oh, “that trying to understand them is like using only your sense of touch to figure out the fruits that have been mixed in a blender. Messy. And, the blender won’t respect you in the morning.”
How does creativity work? Say you’re asked to imagine a banana. Before it’s put into the blender. The part of the brain that deals with shapes recalls the shape of a banana. The part of the brain that deals with colour remembers yellow. The part of the brain that houses memory calls up an incident when you were eight and slipped on a banana peel at recess of the trial you were presiding over. Within a fraction of a second, all of these different parts of the brain are coordinated in a way that makes you think of using crushed peanut shells to fill the lining of cat parkas to keep those poor kitties warm through long, cold winters.
In order to disrupt creative thinking, it was necessary to hinder the executive function (the part of the brain that writes memos, attends boring, pointless meetings and otherwise coordinates inputs from various other parts to create a less incoherent understanding of reality). Researchers have developed a pill, RUR 312 (proposed commercial name: Creativity B Gone) that interferes with the executive function in a way that makes having original insights that much harder.
Wait – what?
“You thought we were trying to enhance creativity?” Kwan-D’oh explained. “Seriously? Have you seen the mess the world is in because of our original ideas and insightful thinking? No, no, no – we need less of that nonsense, thank you very much.”
But, but, but…why would people feel the need to curtail their own creativity?
“I had an original idea once,” explained Elijahu Murtaugh, code monkey (a job he was born to do: the vestigial tail made it inevitable, really) for Bleecker & Sons, a company that creates disaster scenarios for Unfortunate 500 companies. “Then, mister Bleecker explained to me that the contract I signed when I started working there gave the company the sole and total right to exploit any original ideas in whole or in part, on home ice or away, whether I had them in this life or the next, forever and ever, amen. When the company made 7 million dollars from it, my enthusiasm for having original ideas took a bit of a hit.”
Pop diva Eileen Bennington (who was on the shortlist to perform the theme song for the latest James Bond movie, but who was passed over because her voice wasn’t banal enough), explained, “My fans didn’t like me having original ideas. It made them feel even more awkward and out of place than they normally do, and, well, do I have to spell out the demographics for you? Okay: T-W-E-E-N. There. Happy now? Anyway. I owe everything to my fans, so it seemed like the right thing to do.”
“It was getting in the way of my enjoyment of sitcoms,” explained Bob Beryllium of no fixed moral code. “Every couple of minutes, I would think, ‘That would have been much funnier if only it was a penguin with a poll tax!’ It was either take the drug or move to New York and live the miserable life of a TV writer ahead of his time. Not really much of a choice when you think about it.”
Ah. Worthy reasons all.
The FDA (the Forgettable Diuretics Administration) has warned that RUR 312 (proposed commercial name: Ideas ‘R’nt Us) has side effects. Some people, for example, will mistake chairs for top hats. “Not a problem,” Murtaugh explained. “Sitting for prolonged periods is unhealthy for you!”
Other people will experience the colour yellow as a B-flat played on an out of tune bassoon. “Ooh, think of the music I could make with that!” explained Bennington. “Eat your heart out, John Cage!”
Other other people will find themselves laughing at inappropriate things, like jewel cases for CDs or ferrets. “You can never have enough laughter in your life,” explained Beryllium. “And, anyway, who doesn’t enjoy a good jewel case joke every now and then?”
But, what if the side effects occur to people who aren’t emotionally receptive to them? Kwan-D’oh shrugged and explained: “With any technology that disables advanced brain functioning, there are bound to be some temporary drawbacks. Still, if we apply our best insights to the problem, I’m sure we’ll never come up with a solution!”