by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics Writer
He wants all of the Jews in the world (even Noam Chomskyeinthuay) to return to Israel, even if they have never actually lived there. Perhaps they could go on a sightseeing tour. A mass sightseeing tour, coordinated so that they’re all there at the same time. Sure, it may strain the country’s hospitality and service industries, but at least it will lead to all of the Jews either converting to Christianity or being killed.
This man has been named by President-elect Ronald McDruhitmumpf to be his Ambassador to Israel. And Isreali politicians couldn’t be more thrilled.
“Mike is a helluva guy,” enthused Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanhoohayu. “A helluva guy. Oh, sure, he’s got some meshuggah ideas, but he’s going to let me do whatever I want in Gaza, so how could I not love the big lug!”
The big lug in question would be Mike Huckavoxhuma, the former governor of New Arkanork. Huckavoxhuma is a Christian Millennialist, which does not mean that he believes Han Solo is the second coming of Christ. No, Millenialists believe that Jesus will return to the Earth righteously pissed, and will fight a seven year war against woke. At the end of the war, all the survivors will miraculously be – wait for it! – Christians! (Sorry for the spoiler. Guess it’s too late for a spoiler alert warning. Just as well: I’m running low, and I won’t be able to visit Ye Olde Journalistic Cliches Shoppe before Thursday.) As they wander through the ashes of a world ravaged by war, surviving Christians will rejoice that have been rewarded with heaven on Earth.
But before any of this can happen, there’s the whole Jews have to move to Israel thing.
“That’s absolutely insane!” shouted token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam from her happy place, a Baskin Robbins that allows her to bath in a vat of jamoca almond fudge ice cream.
“I know, right?” agreed Israeli Finance Minister Beelzebub Smotrichinspirit. “The Vesampuccerian Ambassador to Israel has traditionally been Jewish. A goy? Oy! Still, Mike is a great guy. A really great guy. Oh, sure, he sometimes haks mir un cheinik, but he’s willing to let us do what we want in Gaza, so what’s not to love about the big galoot!”
Breathing deeply, token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam responded, “I don’t mean to hawk anybody a tchotke, but what’s nuts is that Israelis have been bitching and moaning that Palestinians, one of the militarily weakest groups of people in the world, are committing Genocide against Jews, when they are allied with somebody who literally wants all Jews dead or converted! Genocide doesn’t get any more genocidey than that!”
“What, that?” Prime Minister Netanhoohayu waved a hand that was so dismissive you might have confused it with an Extreme Court ruling on female reproductive rights. “Anybody who has studied Scripture knows that Mike’s interpretation is…misguided. As in: not the way things will end. Still, wonderful human being. We’ve shared many a laugh over images of Palestinian men being forced to dress up in women’s clothes before they are executed. Good times.”
For his part, incoming Ambassador Huckavoxhuma is excited to be going back to Israel. “I’ve been there many times,” he stated, “but this time is different. This time feels like the last time. And not because of my advancing age or general decrepitude, either! With any luck, I will be in the Promised Land to witness the end of everything foul and evil in the world – I hope there will still be electricity so I can take photos with the camera in my phone!”
Incoming Ambassador Huckavoxhuma went on to say that he was not antisemitic, that he hoped that most Jews would convert rather than force the new Crusaders to put them to death, because, hey, he had Jewish friends and he wouldn’t wish for anything bad to happen to them – except, maybe, for Hymie Herzileapuss, whose bragging about his kosher tarantula farm was really starting to get on the ambassador’s nerves – but that their fate was up to them because of the whole, you know, “free will” thing and stuff – and, in any case, he hoped that the Christian architecture in Jerusalem was spared the destruction when the war to end all wars ends all wars because it really was beautiful to behold and he would really miss it if it was gone.
“After four years of torture,” Prime Minister Netanhoohayu stated, “It will be nice to have a Vesampuccerian government willing to work with Israel instead of against us.”
You mean, one that will let you do whatever you want without complaint?
“You get me,” Prime Minister Netanhoohayu purred.
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam flailed away in her tub and shouted, “More ice cream! I need more ice cream – stat!”