Good evening.
Our top story tonight: a recent poll showed that fully 97 per cent of Canadian expect their politicians to act in an “honest and aboveboard” fashion. Are you serious? Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Morons like you deserve to be abducted by aliens and subjected to anal probes. Painful anal probes. Honest and aboveboard, indeed!
In other news: a suspect in the sniper case that has all of America on edge has finally been arrested, but the controversy over criminal profiles continues. According to media specialist Margaret Muldooney, celebrity profilers are white males, usually middle-aged or older. Many celebrity profilers are retired law enforcement officials who miss the public spotlight and use high profile unsolved murders as their ticket out of oblivion. Celebrity profilers usually are supremely confident and convincing, even when spouting obvious nonsense, which leads psychologists to believe that they are delusional and dangerous. If you see anybody who fits this description on a television news programme, turn off the set and slowly walk away. Civilians are warned against attempting to engage a celebrity profiler on their own; authorities cannot be held responsible for any erroneous information you may pick up in the course of such an encounter.
A bomb went off in a nursery in the Negev Desert yesterday, killing 27 trees and injuring 33 others. A hitherto unknown Palestinian group called Islamic Dunciad claimed responsibility for the bombing. In a letter released to the press, Islamic Dunciad stated: “We hate Pews! Hate them! Hate them! Hate them! Hate them! We shall not rest until the Pewish infestation has been eliminated from the Holy Land. DEATH TO THE INTERNATIONAL PEWISH CONSPIRACY!!! DEATH TO ALL PEWS!!!!!!!!” The usual suspects, such as Hezbollah and Hamas, have denounced Islamic Dunciad, and it’s easy to see why: only fools would believe that violence against innocents will in any way assist in the creation of a Palestinian state.
During last year’s war in Afghanistan, the West pledged $10 billion to help the country rebuild. To date, only $1.1 billion has been received, and most of that is made up of food stamps that are only redeemable at a Wal-Mart just outside of Kabul. “The West has let us down again,” claimed Tariq al-Fuzzee, a minor functionary in the Karzai government, adding: “Ooh, is that a chicken salsa taco supreme? Excuse me, but I must get in line!”
Here’s a Deadline News update: a recent poll found that a slim majority of Canadians – 54 per cent – expect their politicians to act in an “honest and aboveboard” fashion. Are there really still so many fools in the country? Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Idiots like you should be locked in small cages and repeatedly interrogated to get information you obviously don’t have. Honest and aboveboard – what are you thinking?
In Brazil’s recent elections, voters could cast their ballots using touch-screen computers distributed throughout the country – a first for the new technology. It should come as no surprise, then, that the President-elect is Mad Magazine mascot Alfred E. Neuman. According to the Brazilian Electoral Commission, Neuman’s election “isn’t a bug. It’s a feature.”
In business news: the Chairman of the American Securities Commission, Harvey Pitt, has finally come to his sense (I can’t bring myself to giving him credit for more than one) and resigned. Representing the big five accounting firms while in private legal practice was bad enough. But, it now turns out that he did not inform the SEC that his choice for Chair of its Accounting Industry Oversight Board, William Webster, led the auditing committee of a company currently facing investor lawsuits for fraud. Oops. Should have written it down in the old Palm Pilot. Still, there’s no need to worry about Harvey. Rumour has it that a film based on his story will be made, working title: Pitt’s Stop. The first single from the soundtrack is already in heavy rotation on MTV: “Town Without Pitty.” There may even be a reality show in his future called, of course, It’s the Pitts.
Oh, and I’m, like, sure the fact that his resignation came the day of the mid-term elections was a complete coincidence. Like, totally. It’s the Valley Girl in me.
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: a recent poll found that only 22 per cent of Canadians expect their politicians to act in an “honest and aboveboard” fashion. This is shocking news, an indication of just how far politicians have fallen in the esteem of those they are sworn to serve. Whether it is federal politicians awarding their friends lucrative, untendered advertising contracts, provincial politicians abusing their expense accounts while cutting back the social safety net for our most disadvantaged citizens or local politicians doing…whatever it is local politicians do, the message from the public could not be clearer: CLEAN UP YOUR ACT!
Well, that’s my opinion, anyway.
And, finally, former Bank of Montreal chair Matthew Barrett claimed that the federal government’s refusal to allow bank mergers in Canada was “marginalizing” our financial institutions. Hmm…one billion dollars in profit a year each – I would give my left nut to be marginalized like that. No, seriously, marginalize me, big boy! Marginalize me, now!
Good night.