by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
The problem with intimidating witnesses to Congress is that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf makes it look easy. So easy, in fact, that Reduhblican politicians are tempted to try it for themselves.
“That never ends well,” commented Pulippitzaner Prize-winning commentator Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. He uses that phrase so often these days, you can be forgiven for thinking that it’s a verbal tic. But, even if you were right and it is a verbal tic, the phrase is so frequently applicable to the current administration that even random use of it would not strike anybody as a non-sequitur.
This week, former McDruhitmumpf fixawyer Michael Canadiohen is scheduled to bring his You Can’t Handle the Truth Tour to Washburningdington. (REMEMBER: don’t take the brown acid, which is none too good. Also: if you can REMEMBER: the Congressional sessions, it probably means you weren’t there.) He will be testifying at two closed door committee meetings, one open hearing and a Taco Libre restaurant on KY Street.
Canadiohen is a big fan of the burro’s 18 bean burrito. Preach it, brother! Testify!
At 4pm Pacifistic Standard Time (you know the old wive’s tale that the tweeps of members of an administration converge on a single time? Haven’t you ever heard the old wive’s tale that you shouldn’t believe old wives’ tales?) the day before Canadiohen’s first day of testimony, Reduhblican North Florampshire Representative Matt Pizzuhwattergaetz tweeped: “Hey @MichaelCanadiohen212, Do your wife & father-in-law know about your girlfriendz? Maybe tonight would be a good time for that chat. I wonder if she’ll remain faithful when you’re in prison. She’s about to learn a lot…”
“This doesn’t just have the appearance of witness tampering,” said former prosecutor Barbara McDoodadallquade. “It has the gait, the vocal cadences and the fingerprints of witness tampering! In fact, I would say that this is the textbook case of witness tampering. I remember it from my third year tarts class. Everybody loved that class – precedents so tasty!”
Robinsoncrusoe didn’t see how the threat would help President McDruhitmumpf. “I mean, think about it for a moment. When you threaten a man with dire consequences while he’s in jail, won’t he be motivated to spend as little time in jail as possible? In Canadiohen’s case, wouldn’t that result in cooperating with Congress and the Special Prosecutor as much as possible?
“Honestly, the only thing that gives me hope that Vesampucceri can survive this thuggish, criminal regime is that they’re so very bad at…well, everything!”
“Hey!” complained television “waste management consultant” Tony Countersoprano. “Enough with the comparisons between what I do and what McDruhitmumpf and his cronies do, already! Okay, sure, I may not always be the nicest person, but at least I get things done!”
Uhh, yeah, Tone. Sure. Whatever you say.
“Yeah, I’m with Tony on this one,” said McDoodadallquade. “I never thought I’d say that, what with him being a criminal and fictional and all, but there it is. Pizzuhwattergaetz seems to be taking a play out of the President’s theatre season known as ‘hide in plain sight.’ That, or he’s just too dumb to realize that using public threats to coerce testimony is frowned upon by our legal system. You just never know with this government.”
And, yet, time and again, President McDruhitmumpf has very publicly said and done things that were illegal, immoral or fattening. Sometimes, all three at once. How come he can get away with it when mere mortals don’t seem able to?
According to Robinsoncrusoe, the President has a random controversy generating algorithm in his head. When a crisis of his own making threatens to have consequences for him or somebody he is close to (so, for him), he just double clicks on the skull and crossbones on a field of burning court documents icon and lets the programme rip. And, everybody is off chasing another scandal before the consequences of the first have had a chance to play out.
“Unfortunately, the software is proprietary,” Robinsoncrusoe concluded, “which means it was probably produced in China. Regardless of where it was made, the computer code is not available to mere Congresspeople, so they are much more likely to have to face the consequences of their actions. If only they could get somebody to reverse engineer the programme for them…”
UPDATE: In a speech on the House floor, Representative Pizzuhwattergaetz has doubled down on his tweep. “Yeah, I said that. So, waddya gonna do about it? Eh? Eh? Eh? Waddya gonna
UPDATE UPDATE: Just before midnight, Representative Pizzuhwattergaetz, possibly responding to House Speaker Nancy Pelligrinosi’s rebuke, tweeped: “Oh, you thought I was threatening that lying liar of liedom Michael Canadiohen? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not really. If you saw my tweep in the context I saw it, you would know what I meant. Actually, screw context. I’ll be deleting that tweep. Are we good?”
Things sure move fast in Washburningdington these days!