181) Which of the following policies from President George W. Bush’s first term was his most admirable?
a) the pledge to close the Abu Ghraib prison and tear it down after evidence of American torture there surfaced…not that he has followed through on that pledge
b) the commitment to give $15 billion to international AIDS research…not, uhh, that his government has actually given much to the cause
c) the announcement of a $1 billion initiative to enroll “millions of poor children” in two popular government health programs, which led to…err, nothing, really, when the White House took over $1 billion out of children’s health programmes a year later
182) Which of the following policies from Arnold Schwarzenneger’s first term as Governor of California has been the most admirable?
a) promising to never again use funds earmarked for schools to balance his budget if teachers didn’t fight his taking $2 billion from them one year (they lived up to their end of the agreement – he didn’t)
b) promising environmental groups that he would not support Proposition 64, a Chamber of Commerce-sponsored initiative that prevents citizens from using the courts to protect consumers and the environment (which, oddly enough, passed when he did, in fact, support it)
c) his campaign pledge not to accept contributions from special interests (just don’t ask where the $28 million in his current campaign war chest came from…)
183) Is a stated policy that you don’t follow through on a flip-flop if no press decide to report on it?
a) it’s the Platonic ideal of a flip-flop, and who wouldn’t want to be described as ideal?
b) listen, pal, all your philosophical mumbo-jumbo doesn’t amount to jack shit in a world where there are nightly reenactments of the Michael Jackson trial!
c) ooh, you’re so cute when you’re being inscrutable! I just want to pinch your cheeks, yeah, pinch them hard, pinch them until they bleed…
184) Outgoing United States Ambassador to Canada Paul Cellucci took partial credit for Paul Martin’s $13 billion increase in Canada’s defense budget. What would be comparably outrageous behaviour by a Canadian Ambassador to the US?
a) getting the American government to loosen its pot laws
b) getting the American government to allow gay marriage
c) are you demented? Like the American government could give a shit about what the Canadian Ambassador had to say about anything!
185) Why is it okay for an American publication to call Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin “Mister Dithers” while a Canadian publication would be labeled blatantly anti-American (or worse) for calling President George W. Bush “Hagar the Horrible?”
a) because the United States has tactical nuclear weapons superiority and better editorial writers
b) you’re just jealous because we insulted your leader first – nyaah, nyaah, Mister Dithers!
c) don’t be too sure – a chicken hawk like Bush would probably love to be called Hagar the Horrible
186) If that’s true, could you mention to the President that I was the one who first called him Hagar the Horrible?
a) what do I look like – your publicist?
b) sure – he loves nicknames
c) you really want to get on a list of people not welcome in the United States, don’t you?
187) “I can’t listen to Christian lawyers, because I would be imposing the Bible on a diverse population,” stated Senator Charles E. Grassley (R-Iowa). To what bill (that he sponsored) was he referring?
a) the bill that would legalize gay marriage
b) the bill that would increase the minimum wage to a living wage
c) the bill that would save pristine environments from the ravages of development
d) the bill that would – oh, get real, he was talking about the bill that would make it possible for credit card companies to eat the poor. There – you’ve made your cheap ironic point. Happy, now?
188) What is the most important thing to come out of the end of the feud between rappers 50 Cent and The Game?
a) people in countries throughout the Middle East are using it as an inspiration to spur their pro-democracy efforts
b) we can turn our attention to the much more important feud between Eminem and Moby
c) ER staffers are breathing a big sigh of relief
189) Bill Fisher, Australia’s new Ambassador to Canada, has said that, “I asked for this posting. I wanted to come to Canada.” What’s wrong with this man?
a) he’d obviously become overexcited from watching too many roo wrangling contests and needed a couple of years in an unstimulating environment to calm down
b) he failed the John Bolton Correspondence Course in Diplomacy
c) he’s seen one too many David Cronenberg movies and convinced himself that Canada really is that interesting
190) A recent study shows that young adults who take “virginity pledges” have similar rates of sexually transmitted diseases as those who don’t. How can we explain this?
a) immaculate infection!
b) somebody is very unclear on a concept, here – I blame Clinton
c) well, I mean, oral sex isn’t really sex, is it? It should be called “oral funtimes” or something so that people know it’s not really sex, right? Right…?
191) What is the difference between Stelco and Stelarc?
a) Stelarc isn’t working his way out of bankruptcy
b) Stelco hasn’t been promising to graft an ear onto its arm
c) Stelarc doesn’t belch tons of smoke into the air (although you wouldn’t necessarily want to be around him on a Saturday night)
192) What does it mean to “err on the side of life?”
a) it means using near but not officially nuclear weapons in Iraq
b) it means allowing the assault weapons ban to expire because, well, gun manufacturers and NRA representatives need to be able to make money to live, too
c) it means killing as many people on Death Row as possible so that they will never kill again (especially the innocent ones – they’re the ones you really have to watch out for)
d) it means never having to admit you’re sorry
193) According to the Wall Street Journal, last year’s oil company profits were so huge, the companies didn’t know what to do with them. What do you think the oil companies should do with their huge profits?
a) invest in panic rooms – hell, invest in entire panic buildings – because you know there’ll be rioting when all those suckers with Hummers find out
b) get a shell company in the Cayman Islands, or, failing that, a really, really big mattress
c) buy Count Chocula, and lots of it
d) other
194) What is the name of the programme by which polluters can buy and sell emissions credits?
a) cap in hand
b) hand in glove
c) the iron fist in the velvet glove
d) fish or cut bait
e) bait and switch
f) will the last person left alive please switch off the lights?
195) What is the best metaphor for baseball players using steroids?
a) BEFORE: twig; AFTER: 1,000 year-old tree trunk
b) BEFORE: slingshot; AFTER: nuclear bomb
c) BEFORE: Don Knotts (as Mister Limpett); AFTER: Sylvester Stallone (as Rambo)
196) Why is the American Congress investigating steroid use in baseball?
a) the Bush administration’s lies about Saddam Hussein having weapons of mass destruction is so 2002!
b) the Bush administration’s plans to kneecap Social Security are below Congress’ radar because most of them will be dead long before the worst of it happens
c) uh, cause baseball’s important?
197) Ajay Virmani, the possible host of a small, intimate, $5,000 a person gathering at his home featuring Prime Minister Paul Martin, stated, “It’s very difficult for people to contribute personally. We’ve changed the rules that corporations can’t make any contributions…but we didn’t create any alternatives. How is the political system ever going to survive here?” Good question, Ajay. How is the political system going to survive here?
a) well, let’s think this through. Corporations won’t be able to buy tables at huge fundraising events, forcing politicians to get smaller amounts of money from individuals. They probably won’t be able to afford as much propaganda during elections, and – OH, MY GOD, THE COUNTRY WILL FALL APART! WHY HASN’T THERE BEEN A PUBLIC OUTCRY! RIOTING IN THE STREETS! ANGRY POST EDITORIALS! WHAT? THERE HAVE BEEN ANGRY POST EDITORIALS? My mistake…
b) a feeding tube from the wallets of major corporations will be inserted directly into the Liberal Party bank account
c) it’ll pretty much lumber along like it always has
198) What is the best metaphor for Tom DeLay’s mind?
a) you know the container of food that gets pushed to the back of the fridge and forgotten for a couple of years? It’s blue and green, and you don’t know what was in it to begin with, but it has a furious stench? That
b) the proposed contents of Yucca Mountain’s nuclear waste storage facility
c) something reptilian
199) What is the Byrd Amendment?
a) a new pimple cream
b) the latest reality TV series
c) what the United States Congress gives to the Bush administration’s free trade rhetoric
200) Why are Canada and the European Union fighting it?
a) it’s unfair competition for local pimple creams
b) everybody knows that reality TV is dead
c) some rude gestures are internationally understood, and Canada and the EU have their own to give to the American idea of free trade