1) What is the biggest lie currently being told about President Obama’s health care reform initiative?
a) Barack Obama will personally tell all Americans which medical professionals they are allowed to see, and the bottom 50% of income earners will all have to go to a single doctor in Kentucky
b) if health care reform is passed, the federal government will come to take all of your guns, Guns N Roses albums and chewing gum
c) health care reform will induce heart attacks in the elderly by forcing them to watch Rob Zombie movies
2) Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez has condemned golf as a “bourgeois sport” for “lazy” players who ride in carts. Not bad, as crazy left-wing rants go. But, if Chavez really wanted to make an impact, what should he have condemned instead?
a) wearing underwear on Thursdays
b) that fascist political agitator: Enya!
c) indoor plumbing, and the pampered bums that are spoiled by it
3) What is a burquini?
a) Don Draper’s favourite drink during his brief flirtation with Islam
b) a full body swimsuit that may give Muslim competitors an unfair advantage in the next Olympics
c) I have no idea, but whatever it is is an existential threat to France, and you know how seriously they take their existentialism!
4) This year’s Fraser River salmon run was expected to be made up of over 8 million fish. Less than one million have actually arrived. Where did the rest of the salmon go?
a) to Casablanca for the waters
b) to Capistrano for the swallows
c) when the wave function of quantum salmon collapsed, so did the fish run
5) A signed copy of Mein Kampf was sold at auction for $38,000. What was the inscription?
a) “Say hi to Shecky next time you see him!”
b) “DEATH TO JEWS! Oh, and say hi to Shecky next time you see him”
c) “To Wolfgang, with much love, thanks so much for last night, your little Adolf”
6) Canada plans to shift all of its aid money out of Africa and into Latin America. Why?
a) African dictators have had a good run, but the Canadian government thought it was time for Latin American dictators to step up and have a shot
b) Africa is so far away – sending money to Latin America will save the government so much in shipping costs!
c) because Foreign Affairs Minister Lawrence Cannon said we should, and that’s good enough for me
7) For a brief period of time an Australian Web site will allow users to send short messages into space. What message would you send?
a) “To our galactic overlords: I am ready to serve you. When you get to earth, call [PHONE NUMBER].”
b) “Do you think these pants make me look fat?”
c) “Walking dwn teh street, txting space msg – how cool zat?”
d) “Meh – and, I mean that sincerely”
e) “Don’t bother visiting – no intelligent life here.”
f) other
8) What comes after “The End?”
a) The Sequel
b) The Upper Thighs or The Torso (depending upon the direction your eyes are moving, you naughty, naughty person)
c) Jim Morrison drinks himself to death in Paris
9) What is the idealist’s bane?
a) a reality sundae with a cherry on top
b) Rush Limbaugh with a cherry on top
c) Cherry, without a top
10) What is the biggest lie now being told about President Obama’s health care reform initiative?
a) it’s a devilish plot to turn the American economy into a burst pinata, a burnt tostada or Albania
b) there is a book that lists the time of death for everybody who will ever be born – and Obama is using an eraser to mess with the dates!
c) it turns Republicans into mindless, shrieking harpies (a purge of moderates has already accomplished that, thank you very much)
11) Who or what is a “mirdle?”
a) round in the middle, flat on top and outlawed in Alberta
b) in the Middle Ages, the man who used to cart dung to the Palace to use on the royal cabbages
c) oh! Oh! I know! It’s a type of traditional dress worn in southern Germany, Liechtenstein and Austria, based on the historical costume of Alpine peasants! (Thank you, Wikipedia!)
d) other
12) Who said “The American people will not stand for rationed health care?”
a) Jon Kyl
b) Gomer Pyle
c) a big, stinking pile
13) According to a headline in the Globe and Mail, “Banks look alike on the outside, but inside is a different story.” How are banks different on the inside?
a) some banks have mommy parts and some banks have daddy parts – didn’t your parents explain economic anatomy to you when you were young?
b) some banks have a creamy chocolate center, others contain nuts
c) some banks charge you $1.25 every time you open the door to get inside, other banks only charge you $1.50
14) According to Senator Chuck Grassley, “I oppose the public option because people should have a choice.” Which of the following statements is the most obvious extension of this logic?
a) “I don’t believe in sunshine because I want people to get good tans.”
b) “I oppose radio because people want to listen to music.”
c) “I don’t believe government can solve any problems, so please re-elect me to public office in 2010.”
15) The new chief executive of heavily bailed out insurer American International Group (AIG) says he’s getting a lot of work done from his palatial villa overlooking the Adriatic. The villa contains imported Italian tiles, an 18th
century French tapestry, a huge 1922 Persian rug and 12 bathrooms. His holiday started only a few days after he took up the job at AIG. Why has there been no revolution in the United States?
a) we know things are bad, sure they are, worse than bad, but there’s a new season of Crocheting with the Stars, so revolution will just have to wait
b) Americans would revolt, but they are, on average, so obese that even if they could get off their couches they would never make it out the front door
c) revolution is sooooooooo 20th
century!
16) Why did the United States boycott the United Nations Durban Review Conference on Racism, Racial Discrimination, Xenophobia and Related Intolerance?
a) haven’t you heard? The United States has a black President, so racism no longer exists anywhere in the world
b) it’s the reparations, stupid!
c) because the – WHAT? I haven’t even started the answer, and already you’re accusing me of anti-Semitism? Jeez, Bernie, are you really that sensitive?
17) In the past year, Stephen Harper has appointed 27 people to the Senate, a new record for a Prime Minister. How does he justify this?
a) “Despite the fine work of many individual Senators, the upper house remains a dumping ground for the favoured cronies of the Prime Minister.” Wait – no – that’s not it…
b) “A Conservative government will not appoint to the Senate anyone who does not have a mandate from the people.” No…that can’t be right, either…
c) “Canadians from Newfoundland and Labrador to British Columbia remain ashamed of Canada’s senior legislative body. They are ashamed the Prime Minister continues the disgraceful, undemocratic appointment of -” Okay, I’m obviously going to have to go back to the quote fairy to get better reasons!
18) True or false: true or false questions don’t belong in surveys with multiple choice answers.
a) true
b) false
c) AARGH! STOP MESSING WITH MY MIND!
19) According to Conservative Multiculturalism Minister Jason Kenney, his “focus is on integration” and that the “Canadian identity” should be the primary identity of immigrants. What are the core values of such a Canadian identity?
a) beef, oil and smug ignorance
b) art, money and polite arrogance
c) Canadians may disagree with each other, but at least we do it civilly over coffee and Timbits
20) Some people use the phrase “some people say” as a way ascribing a ridiculous position to their opponents so that they can knock it down. But, who, exactly, are these some people that some people talk about?
a) a focus group kept against their will in the basement of the Phlemmer Building
b) they’re an amorphous group that doesn’t really represent the opinions of sane, rational human beings, unlike some people I know!
c) Some People was a jazz-classical fusion band in the 1960s and 1970s that had several top 10 hits, including, “Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I’ve Got Beethoven in my Tummy,” “Tell Odious Monk” and “Bridge Over Troubled Gum Disease”
d) other