1) Three bailouts. Seven years of crisis. 90 per cent unpopularity. What’s next for Greece’s Alexis Tsipras?
a) a spot on Dancing With the Stars
b) an appointment as Donald Trump’s Commerce Secretary
c) whatever he wants – the world is his cesspool
2) The German government expressed revulsion at Nazi-style salutes such as those performed at a recent far-right event in Washington. “It goes against the principles and values of our politics,” government spokesperson Steffen Seibert stated. What the hell is going on?
a) remember that episode in Star Trek where Kirk and Spock end up in a universe that is the mirror image of this one? The name of the episode was…”Spitting Image” or something. Not important. The important thing is that the entire planet has slipped into that reverse universe without anybody noticing
b) we am in Bizarro universe! Bizarro Washington am doing really good things! Not listen to German government! Stupid German government!
c) it’s Opposite Day, and things will go back to normal tomorrow. Please, please, please, please, please tell me it’s Opposite Day!
3) What do I tell my children about Trump?
a) it’s just another Grimm’s fairy tale, nothing to worry about (unless they look under the bed…)
b) it’s the novel Lewis Carroll would have written if he was a depressed alcoholic with anger management issues
c) just add him to the list of things you tell them they’ll understand when they are adults (even though you’re pretty sure you’re an adult, and you haven’t got a clue about any of them)
4) Can a woman ever lead the United States?
a) …to the kitchen for dinner? You betcha!
b) if women can lead half the Fortune 500 companies, a woman can certainly lead the cou – oh, wait…
c) she could…if she was my mom. My mom raised 17 kids, maade all of our cloths out of sawdust and ran spelling bees for disadvantaged children on weekends! Man, she could do anything! But, uhh, she passed 12 years ago, so the nominating process might be a bit messy…
5) If you had a tattoo that you wanted removed, what would possess you to get another one?
a) the triumph of hope over experience
b) this is the love that’s gonna last
c) crack pockets in the brain
6) What is the difference between the FBI making public that they were reopening the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails and the CIA making public that it had concluded that Russia had hacked into the Democrats’ computers and revealed embarrassing information in order to sway the election for Donald Trump?
a) the FBI looks better in a bikini
b) nobody seems to like Trump, but everybody hated Clinton
c) the election is over and we stole it fair and square – get over it!
7) Russian President Vlad Putin said that his country must bolster its nuclear capabilities in order to be able to “reliably penetrate” the missile defence systems of any other country. On the other hand, he said he does not want to start a new arms race. How can these two positions be reconciled?
a) look up page 357 of the Armsa Sutra
b) ooh, baby! Reliably penetrate my missile defence system there! Right there!
c) oh, yeah: definitely crack pockets in the brain
8) Former Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney has been named Ambassador to the United States. Is this a fitting punishment?
a) yes, because he will get to watch NAFTA, a trade deal for which he was one of the architects, be dismantled up close and very personal
b) no – that’s where he always imagined he lived, and why should taxpayers foot the bill to fulfill his fantasies?
c) who cares? At least he’ll be out of Canada’s hair for a while!
9) Responding to an online survey of what he would like to see happen in 2017, the New York co-chair of President-elect Donald Trump’s campaign wrote: “Obama catches mad cow disease after being caught having relations with a Herford. He dies before his trial and is buried in a cow pasture next to Valerie Jarret, who died weeks prior, after being convicted of sedition and treason, when a Jihady cell mate mistook her for being a nice person and decapitated her.” Asked who he would like to see go away, Paladino wrote: “Michelle Obama. I’d like her to return to being a male and let loose in the outback of Zimbabwe where she lives comfortably in a cave with Maxie, the gorilla.” When people complained that the posts were racist, Paladino denied he had any racist intent, then said that he had only intended to forward his answers to a few of his friends and mistakenly sent them to the magazine sponsoring the survey instead. How does the fact that making the comments public was a mistake make them not racist?
a) jeez, like you’ve never made a mistake?
b) the original posts were about how much be admired the Obamas and was sorry that the President could only serve two terms; the message was mysteriously transformed when he forwarded it – damn Internets!
c) there seems to be an epidemic of crack pockets going off in brains these days
10) Who or what is a cuck or cucking or something that sounds like it has three Ks in it even if it doesn’t?
a) somebody Steve Bannon doesn’t like
b) somebody that members of the Aryan Brotherhood don’t like
c) it’s a derogatory term for somebody eating a cucumber. Why is eating a cucumber a bad thing? I don’t know! Maybe you should ask Steve Bannon or a member of the Aryan Brotherhood!
11) Deus vult was the battle cry of Pope Urban II during the first Crusade. It means, “God has really poor taste,” or something like that. Of what relevance is it to current affairs?
a) Vladimir Putin has never heard the phrase
b) rumours are that Elizabeth May is familiar with the phrase, but she has never used it in public
c) it’s a rallying cry for white supremacists – so, none
12) What is the difference between a boom mike and a selfie stick?
a) it’s harder to poke somebody in the eye with a boom mike because they are bigger and people can see them coming more easily
b) people don’t make embarrassing sound recordings of themselves and proudly post them on Youtube
c) it’s the difference between rock hard abs and a three in the morning wake up call, but without the need to clean the croutons off the fender
13) After exhorting TV (well, Fox, which is a kind of low calorie TV substitute) viewers to buy Ivanka Trump’s fashions (and not pay any attention to those meanies at Nordstrom’s who refuse to stock it), White House adviser Kellyanne Conway was “counselled.” Press Secretary Sean Spicer said it, so it must be true. Ish. Given that it is against the law to use public office for private gain, what was Conway likely counselled?
a) that she had done an outstanding job and she should keep up the good work
b) that she had done a horrible job – sales of Trump’s jewellery actually went down after her appearance – and she would have to try harder
c) that it is against the law to use public office for private gain – but, since this is also the family business model, the administration was willing to overlook it this time…and next time, and maybe a few more times after that
14) Which of the following was so inflammatory, so offensive that Facebook immediately took it down?
a) the racist stylings of Breitbart.com contributors
b) the sexist stylings of Breitbart.com contributors
c) an image of a fountain featuring a bronze statue of Neptune that has been at the centre of the Piazza del Nuttuno square in Bologna, Italy since the 16th century
15) After shaking hands with President Donald Trump, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe rolled his eyes. What was he thinking?
a) “I went through hell getting a business degree…for this?“
b) “I’ve been holding the Japanese economy together with duct tape and spit – and, not even Japanese spit – for years and years and years…for this?“
c) “He wanted to tell me ‘You’re fired!’ I could see it in his eyes! There is not enough honour in the world…for this!”
16) Before shaking hands with President Donald Trump, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau looked askance. What was he thinking?
a) “You want me to shake that? I don’t know where it’s been!”
b) “You want me to shake that? I saw your Access Hollywood video – I know where it’s been!”
c) “Humph. Bigger than I thought it would be…”
17) According to a headline in my local newspaper (so we know it must be true), the White House is trying to push a “he-covery.” What in the world is a he-covery?
a) an attempt to make male porn stars wear condoms while performing
b) they meant head-covery, but the Office of Budget Management warned the White House that it was dangerously over budget for letters and would have to cut back somewhere
c) an economic recovery where girls aren’t allowed (a not unreasonable policy, since it’s a scientific fact that girl cooties take 3.7 per cent off a nation’s GDP every year!)
18) According to Bristol Palin, there is a liberal plot to make Republicans look stupid. How do liberals do this?
a) they quote Republicans verbatim
b) they make an effort to stop the worst excesses of Republicans, but, having no real power, aren’t very effective at it
c) who is Bristol Palin, and why are you asking me to devote any brain space to her? Any brain space whatsoever?
19) When President Donald Trump makes a speech full of “alternate facts,” he has many people whose job it is to publicly defend them. How do those people sleep at night?
a) Sean Spicer dreams of a steady pay check. (Nobody has the heart to tell him that by the time you read this, he may already be replaced.)
b) Kellyanne Conway dreams of being on national television without being humiliated
c) Stephen Miller dreams of a day when he’s not so confused
d) all of the above
20) Does putting specific words in bold type make them funnier?
a) yes
b) no
c) I don’t know – I just lark here