1) What is “celanthropy?”
a) the practice of wealthy people giving celery to those less fortunate
b) a kind of physical therapy rejected by John Harvey Kellog in The Road to Wellville
c) what happens when people turn into bland culinary embellishments under the influence of the full moon
2) What does the following image represent?
a) palm fronds in an aquarium that was upended by a rampaging Orc
b) the functioning over time of the arteries of somebody who lives on a diet of cheeseburgers, fries and a large soda
c) an elegant visual explanation for why you are about to lose your job
3) Which of the following phrases is the most oxymoronic?
a) moral murderer
b) compassionate arsonist
c) ethical oil
4) Who killed Mister Moonlight?
a) Sister Moonshine
b) Zooey Deschanel (you knew she had to have a dark side, right?)
c) was it…Bauhaus in the basement studio with the black lipstick?
5) Toronto pays for leaf clearance in Etobicoke, but not Scarborough. Why?
a) Mayor Rob Ford likes his irony with a side of gravy
b) leaves in Scarborough are plotting an Islamic takeover of its library system, while leaves in Etobicoke just want to get along with everybody
c) Etobicoke is pretty, oh so pretty, so witty and pretty and…let’s leave it at witty and pretty, shall we…
6) December 21st is the day the Mayan calendar ends. How are you preparing?
a) I’m stocking up on virgins (you never know when a sacrifice of one may come in handy…)
b) I’ve ditched my job, sold all of my possessions and moved to a small beach in Hawaii to live a life of debauched austerity until the world ends. The end of the Mayan calendar signals the end of the world…right? RIGHT?
c) I’m stocking up on supplies for the party I’m going to throw on December 22nd
bii) oh, shit!
7) Herman Cain supporters dismissed allegations against him with the argument that “sexual harassment isn’t really a crime.” What do they think sexual harassment is?
a) a deep dish pizza with three toppings
b) good fun that stuck up bitches just can’t appreciate
c) who cares? Cain has dropped out of the race and gone back to harassing people in the private sector where he belongs!
8) I recently returned from a trip. Today is Wednesday. I returned three days after Aunt Myrtle’s hysterectomy before the day Uncle Bender’s DUI was stayed after the day they cancelled Community before tomorrow. On what day did I return?
a) the fourth of never
b) Saint Bob’s Day (I’ve always thought Saint Bob was the most avuncularly serendipitous of the Saints)
c) wait a minute – Community was cancelled? When did that happen?
i) a week before the day after your sister (Phyllida – the one you like) announced that she would be attending her high school reunion in a month of Sundays
ii) weeeeelllll…it wasn’t so much cancelled as it was hiatused with extreme prejudice
iii) today…today is Wednesday
9) If you write about a controversial subject, you have to begin by making certain positions clear lest your position be (intentionally or otherwise) misinterpreted. What is the most egregious example of this?
a) if you write about police brutality or corruption, you have to say that most police are hard-working, upright Joes or Josephines if you don’t want to be labelled anti-cop
b) if you write about military corruption or brutality, you have to praise the men and women of the military for their valour and sacrifice if you don’t want to be labelled anti-military
c) if you write about the brutal Israeli treatment of Palestinians, you have to affirm the right of the state of Israel to exist if you don’t want to be labelled anti-Semitic. Then, you have to allow that Israel is a democracy in a region of the world dominated by monarchies and dictatorships if you don’t want to be labelled anti-Semitic. Then, you have to comment that none of the Arab states has been willing to help the Palestinians if you don’t want to be labelled anti-Semitic. Then, you have to point out that all of the surrounding Arab states want to destroy Israel if you don’t want to be labelled anti-Semitic. Then, you have to state that since the Holocaust, Jews have a right to want a secure homeland if you don’t want to be labelled anti-Semitic. By this time, you’ll be sounding so right wing that your original criticism of Israel will be completely lost
10) Why can’t men just say they’re sorry?
a) men’s bodies don’t contain a sorry gland
b) they’re not
c) saying they’re sorry would imply that men are wrong, and since men are never wrong, they have nothing to apologize about
11) Why can’t men admit they’re wrong?
a) hormones
b) it would upset the cosmic balance of forces, which would cause them to go bald faster
c) because then they would have to apologize, which would likely involve sharing their feelings, and nothing good could come of that
12) Why can’t men share their feel –
a) oh, give it a rest!
12) Oh. Okay. Sorry. Stephen Harper has asked former Prime Minister Jean Chretien to return the $200,000 in legal costs that the court ordered the federal government to pay him. On the other hand, Harper doesn’t demand that former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney return the $2 million he received from the government in a settlement involving legal costs. Why not?
a) not every single man, woman and beaver in Canada loves Brian Mulroney – hasn’t the man suffered enough?
b) Harper never liked Chretien’s (golf) balls…
c) the 30 second rule…or, or the 32nd rule…or…or…for goodness’ sakes, the Prime Minister is a busy man, you can’t expect him to be consistent on every matter of principle!
13) Some people claim IRS 4, a newly found star, looks like a snow angel. That’s one interpretation. What else could somebody with an active imagination and too much time on their hands imagine it looked like?
a) a set of lungs
b) Satan’s fiery eyeballs
c) the death of serious astronomy
d) all of the above
e) other
14) A Saudi professor has argued that if Saudi Arabia abandons the kingdom’s ban on women driving, the act will lead to widespread premarital sex. What is the reasoning behind his position?
a) women who drive will become accustomed to having a hard round object (the steering wheel) in their hands WHICH WILL LEAD TO women who drive always wanting to have a hard straight object (a man’s penis) in their hands WHICH WILL LEAD TO widespread premarital sex
b) women who drive will be able to determine what music is played on the radio WHICH WILL LEAD TO their exposure to the music of Serge Gainsborough and Nickelback WHICH WILL LEAD TO widespread premarital sex
c) women who drive will have to be allowed out of their father’s home (so that the exhaust fumes don’t poison the entire family) WHICH WILL LEAD TO widespread premarital sex on general principle
15) Republican Presidential wannabe Mitt Romney, commenting on rival Newt Gingrich’s inability to get on the ballot in Virginia, “I think he compared that to Pearl Harbour? I think it’s more like Lucille Ball at the chocolate factory.” A couple of days later, Romney said, “I hope the speaker understands that was humour, and I’m happy to tell my humorous anecdote to him face-to-face.” What does this tell us about Mitt Romney?
a) he believes Newt Gingrich doesn’t understand how humour works
b) he believes the American people don’t understand how humour works
c) he doesn’t understand how humour works
16) If you watch a lot of TV news, you will know that the phrase “hot mess” is frequently used. Well, it is on The Rachel Maddow Show, anyway. What is a hot mess?
a) a military dining facility that does not serve cold food
b) the international situation after the end of a cold war
c) not something you want to use to keep you warm on a cold winter’s night (unless you can afford frequent laundry bills)
17) Have the super-rich seceded from western society?
a) absolutely, but they’ll soon get so thoroughly sick of each other that they’ll beg the rest of us to take them back…really, any minute, now, they’ll be begging us to take them back…any…minute…now…
b) certainly not – once in a while we just need to jet out to our private islands to get away from petty questions like that!
c) you can’t judge people simply by the amount of taxes they pay to help keep the society in which they live going – the super-rich look fabulous on the cover of Forbes!
18) According to a Public Policy Polling…uhh, survey, politician Jon Huntsman has four per cent of the votes in the South Carolina race for the Republican Presidential nomination, while comedian Stephen Colbert has five. What does this mean?
a) South Carolina Republican voters don’t know that Stephen Colbert is a comedian who isn’t in the race
b) South Carolina Republican voters don’t care that Stephen Colbert is a comedian who isn’t in the race
c) Stephen Colbert is worth every penny Comedy Central pays him – and more!
19) I know, right?
a) wrong
b) is that a question, or an early sign of Tourette’s?
c) Aunt Myrtle
20) According to the Harper Government of Canada, “foreign money” from “radical groups” is being used to affect a government’s decision. To what is the HGoC referring?
a) American public interest groups funding of Canadian environmental groups fighting the Northern Gateway pipeline
b) Canadian corporations funding American lobbyists to get the US government to support the Keystone XL pipeline
c) the Tuvalu arc welders’ union funding Mexican lobby groups to lower the price of a basket of goods, including bread, butter and atomic triggering devices (yeah, we’re not sure why the Prime Minister is concerned about this, either, but we’ve run out of questions, so we’ll have to ask that one some other time…)