1) According to Conservative Treasury Board President Tony Clement, taxpayer mailings for flyers designed by the party that deal mostly with attacks on opposition parties are not partisan political messages. Really? What are they, then?
a) legitimate constituent communications, because anything else would be against the rules, and we all know how important following the rules is to the Conservatives
b) they’re parmesan political messages – a little cheesy, perhaps, but not illegal
c) diesel-powered chain link orangutans
2) Do you have a life plan?
a) I have a next five minutes plan. Does that count?
b) yes. I plan to have a life
c) actually, I put together a committee to determine what the best use of my life would be, but they couldn’t come to an agreement. The stuffed alligator with no name thought I should become a ballerina, while Mister Tiddly insisted that I do something in the tech sector. Fortunately, I don’t have to decide until I’ve finished grade three…
d) other
3) In 2003, Ontario was hit with a massive power outage. A decade later, what have we learned from it?
a) you pull slightly to the left when you release the ball, which is why you often hit just shy of the pocket and end up with a 7-10 split
b) letting squirrels run the nuclear reactor control room while the technician goes out for a smoke is a bad, bad idea
c) maybe we should, umm, you know – just a thought, here, just throwing out something that you might want to consider – use less electricity?
4) What makes people hate prominent attorneys?
a) they chew with their mouths open…wide open…
b) they know you’re funny, but they obstinately refuse to laugh at your jokes, especially the ones about lawyers…
c) they don’t look like lawyers on Law and Order, and we’ve been disappointed by how much different reality is from TV once too often, buster!
5) According to the Supreme Court of Canada, you can have your right to a fair trial and your right to be free of unreasonable search and seizure violated and still be subject to a national security certificate – which restricts your freedom – even though you have never been put on trial for any crime much less terrorism. What would it take for the Supreme Court to overturn a security certificate?
a) the hand of god reaching down from the sky and pointing at the subject of the national security certificate while a deep voice booms, “This person is innocent!”
b) permission from their mommies…aaaand the hand of god reaching down from the sky and pointing at the subject of the national security certificate while a deep voice booms, “This person is innocent!”
c) wha – huff – are you implying – I say, sir, are you making the implication that the Court is too deferential to Parliament? Because, if you are, I shall have to huff at you some more until you are bored of the subject and move your attention on to something else!
6) New York City police officers arrested a man on suspicion of illegal narcotics. The substances they confiscated because they believed them to be crystal meth were actually Jolly Rancher candies. Do you laugh or do you cry?
a) laugh
b) cry
c) give thanks for the fact that I don’t live in New York
7) Although the flags left on the moon during the space missions of the 1960s and 1970s are believed to be still flying, erosion and the cheapness of the paints with which they were made means that they are probably blank. Are there any advantages to this?
a) yes, it’s proof that nobody owns the moon, they just rent space on it for a while
b) yes, when the Chinese land their first people on the moon, they’ll be able to draw their own flag on the blanks left there in crayon
c) yes: it will be easier for MTV to project the logo that is created for their latest incarnation onto a blank flag
d) other
8) What is obesity?
a) the start of the American national anthem
b) an island in the South Pacific…a big island…a really, really big island…an island that should consider losing a few pounds, if you know what we mean…
c) a gift that keeps on giving…to Big Pharma (not Big Island)
9) Several House Republicans wanted a so-called “conscience clause” in the debt ceiling bill that would exempt employers (citing religious objections) from having to provide coverage for birth control as part of the health care plans they offer employees. What does birth control coverage have to do with the debt ceiling?
a) if fewer couples use birth control, there will be more citizens to pay taxes and help pay down the debt
b) the same thing that Australian rooburgers have to do with glow worm warming
c) all is one – the Republicans just needed to find their inner Buddhist
10) Despite the Harper Government of Canada’s promise to clamp down on the indiscriminate use of foreign workers, the number allowed into Canada in 2013 increased. How does the government explain the discrepancy?
a) oops
b) our bad
c) hey, we tried
d) all of the above
11) The New Democratic Party has decided to attack Liberal leader Justin Trudeau’s perceived weaknesses in the lead-up to the next federal election. How badly do they want the Conservatives to win the next election?
a) with a minor itch
b) with a burning passion (and, not surprisingly, there is no cream for that)
c) with the delusion that somehow this tactic will help them win the next election
12) Is there a right length for family dinners?
a) six feet, seven inches – anything longer than that, and the zucchini lasagne will be inedible
b) yes, but there is no right width
c) two minutes before your teenagers start to get bored – you better eat quickly!
d) other
13) What is an authourpreneur?
a) somebody who, when he complains that he isn’t making enough money from his writing, lectures himself about thinking more about what the audience wants and less about his “creative muse”
b) somebody whose grasp of the English language exceeds the reach of her readership
c) somebody who has to keep books as well as write them
14) The Harper Government of Canada has thrown a sop to its right wing by announcing that it plans to enact legislation requiring federal budgets to be balanced “during normal economic times.” What are “normal economic times?”
a) when the gross domestic calorie intake divided by the depreciation of rolling stock in the previous fiscal television season is greater than the number of seats the Conservatives need in urban ridings multiplied by the constant lust for power (LP)
b) low interest rates, high unemployment and a keen yearning for distant horizons
c) whenever a party other than the Conservatives is in power
15) Mott the Hoople was a glam rock band in the 1970s that had a hit with the David Bowie penned song “All the Young Dudes.” What is a Hoople?
a) an earringle
b) a peripheral for a Digital Schmeckle that you can ORDER NOW for a mere $19.95 (plus shipping, handling and taxes where applicable)
c) a hula device that got away from its dancer
d) other
16) The end of hockey?
a) are you kidding me? Hockey ended when the NHL expanded from six teams – everything fell to shit after that, and – hey, you kids! Get off my ice rink!
b) when everybody in the NHL has concussions, games will look like a not especially involving episode of The Walking Dead
c) condos – playing ball hockey in those narrow hallways just isn’t the same!
17) Hidden deep in the dark recesses of the Conservative Government of Canada’s budget bill is a measure that would give them the exclusive right to determine which public services are essential, a measure that would take the right to strike away from many civil servants. Given the history of the Conservatives, what are they likely to consider an essential service?
a) assistant junior undersecretaries to the assistant senior undersecretary to the junior undersecretary of the assistant junior oversecretary in the Ministry of Milk (did we mention that they really hate unions?)
b) Senate cat groomers (did we mention that they really, really, really hate unions?)
c) anybody working in the Ministry of Non-essential Services (did we mention that they really, really, really, really, really hate unions?)
18) How can you use a “crotchless portafilter” without hurting yourself?
a) don’t pour the hot water down your sleeve
b) be sure to put it on over your thermal underpants
c) hire a professional to use it for you (what you lose in excitement you will more than make up for in the ability to continue to use all of your lower extremities)
d) other
19) A federal judge in New York has ruled that individuals who don’t get paid for their work aren’t protected by the New York City Human Rights Law and therefore can’t bring a sexual harassment claim against their employers. Remind me, again, why being an unpaid intern is a good thing?
a) because you can be promoted to unpaid junior staff member and, if you work hard enough to make your way up the corporate ladder, you could eventually be an unpaid CEO, and that would look good enough on your CV to get you a real job!
b) you can steal all the paperclips you can shove down your pants!
c) hey! We spent several years as unpaid interns and the experience didn’t – bwahahahaha! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Please make it stop! Ma-ah-ake it stooooooop!
20) If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
a) no, but I would hold your cheesy come on line against you
b) no, now please rinse and spit into the little cup
c) how did you get a hold of my X-rays?