1) There once was a time (the 1960s) when American conservatives argued that rights came with responsibilities. There twice was a time (now) when American conservatives argue for their right to not be vaccinated or wear masks to protect against COVID and its variants with nary a mention of accompanying responsibilities. What happened to them?
a) they drank the demagogue-flavoured Kool-Aid and now the entire country is suffering a hangover
b) you know what they say: if you aren’t a leftie in your 20s, you have no heart; if you aren’t a right-winger who wants to burn everything to the ground in your 60s, you have a brain
c) they regressed to their teens and they don’t have to do anything you tell them to do and it’s no fair if you try to make them and they hate you, hate you, hate you!
2) If you’re “quanked,” you…
a) have been hit with a tranquilizer dart and passed out
b) have been hit by a beam of quantum particles that rearranged your internal organs and turned your hair orange
c) have been – uhh – have bee – I…sorry, but I just don’t have the energy to answer this question
3) What is a “microcredential?”
a) the amount of work on your teeth you can afford this year…or, is that microdental?
b) insisting that you did put your plate in the dishwasher even though it is still sitting on the counter next to the sink…or, is that microdenial?
c) living in a shoebox…or, is that microresidential?
4) Right-wing American politicians and pundits are now claiming that the actions of protesters on January 6, 2021 were “legitimate political discourse.” Legitimate political discourse. Legitimate. Political. Discourse. Match the tactic being referred to as legitimate – hunh! – political discourse with the likely reaction Abe Lincoln would have given it:
a) breaking down the doors of Congress and storming into the building
b) beating police officers with flagpoles, splintered pieces of the doors and their own shields
c) peeing and defecating in corners of Congress
i) moaning in sorrow
ii) moaning in pain
iii) giving a 40 minute off-the-cuff speech about the responsibilities of living in a democracy which conservatives would watch for 30 seconds before turning to Fox to see Tucker Carlson condemn him as “unpatriotic”
5) Rapid COVID tests have been put up for sale on Craigslist and TikTok for the inflated price of $80 and $100 for a box of five. This is an example of…
a) …the capitalist system working as it was designed to – hurray!
b) …the capitalist system working as it was designed to – alas!
c) …a test of people’s gullibility because everybody knows COVID is a hoax and the tests are designed to send your personal information to a secure server in the basement of George Soros’ world headquarters! Ahem…suckers…
6) According to the Kremlin, Russia is not planning on invading Ukraine. According to President Vladimir Putin, if Russia does invade Ukraine, it will be the United States’ fault. How so?
a) they told him not to, repeatedly, or there would be consequences, and it triggered his inner 1c)
b) the United States was willing to allow Ukraine into NATO, but the country belongs to me, dammit! – it will look adorable on my charm bracelet!
c) the US won the Cold War, so everything that happens in the world is now their fault
d) other gotcha
7) Before the CRTC reversed its decision that wholesale telecom rates were too high and needed to be reduced, Chair Ian Scott met with Bell Media CEO Mirko Bibic. Scott has defended the meeting, saying he was having a beer with a friend. Whatever could they have talked about?
a) whether Kanye West was getting a raw deal or really was batshit crazy
b) their days as wildcatters on an oil rig off the coast of Newdfoundland
c) how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if…you know…
8) On The View, Whoopi Goldberg said that the Holocaust was about “man’s inhumanity to man” and “not about race.” In a later interview, Goldberg went on to say: “This is white people doing it to white people. So, y’all going to fight amongst yourselves.” What does this say about Whoopi Goldberg?
a) her grasp of the social construction of race is very hands off
b) you shouldn’t speak off-the-cuff if you haven’t done laundry in over a month
c) she has revealed herself to have a secret Caryn side
9) Goldberg apologized quickly for the remarks the next day, saying, “It is indeed about race because Hitler and the Nazis considered Jews to be an inferior race. Now, words matter, and mine are no exception. I regret my comments…” What does this say about Whoopi Goldberg?
a) she’s a mensch
b) she’s a munchkin
c) she’s a huge pool of talent trapped in a Best Dad of 1978 coffee mug
10) Which is correct: jeuje, zhoosh or zhuzh?
a) is that really a word?
10a) I assure you, it is. Well, one of them is. So, which is it?
a) what does jeuje, zhoosh or zhuzh mean?
i) what people used to mean when they talked about je ne sais quoi, but without the air of moral superiority
ii) what people used to mean when they talked about je ne sais quoi, but with an added air of moral superiority
iii) what people used to mean when they told you to stop dragging your ass and kick it up a notch, but without the air of needing anything added or taken away from it
10b) Quit stalling – I have a bocce date at four and I don’t want the balls to get cold. Which is correct?
a) jeuje
b) zhoosh
c) zhuzh
10c) Well, that was anti-climactic…and not especially informative…
11) Vice-Admiral Craig Baines, commander of the Royal Canadian Navy, attended a golf game with Jonathan Vance, a former top soldier who was under investigation for sexual misconduct at the time. According to the Defence Department, this was not “a deep ethical failing.” What was it?
a) an elusive butterfly of love (not the definitive one, though, one of the lesser elusive butterflies of love, one with a tattoo of a human silhouette on one wing who spends a lot of time in dive bars and never have songs written about them)
b) a shallow ethical misstep, really, barely an inconvenience
c) an Imperial stormtrooper at a urinal
12) According to a departmental analysis, there was a lack of guidance and rules for senior military leaders when it comes to dealing with accusations of sexual misconduct. But honestly, how can any officer justify golfing with somebody under investigation for a serious crime?
a) you’re innocent until a military tribunal declares you innocent
b) for the exercise…of his rank
c) the Vice-Admiral’s doctor recommended he get more exercise for his health, and only a fool wouldn’t listen to a medical professional
13) Erin O’Toole’s ouster as leader of the federal Conservative Party sends a message. What is the message and to whom is it being sent?
a) we support your right to die of a horrible lung illness, and take as many people as you can with you – freedom!
b) Western Union is dead! Long live actions with ambiguous meanings!
c) moderation schmoderation – let’s have some xtreme fun!
i) Pierre Poilievre
ii) the truckers in the Free Dumb Convoy
iii) Samuel Goldwyn
14) What is the most respectful way to address a journalist with your concerns about an article he has written about unvaccinated COVID deniers?
a) “If I see you on the street, I would Smash your face in YOU FUCKING IGNORANT COMMIE!”
b) “You are a hate-monger and a sad excuse for a journalist. What you are doing is un-Canadian. You are a piece of shit.”
c) “You are a menace to society. You have obviously lost your mind and need mental health if you think unvaccinated people are a threat to society. You are deranged.”
d) “Stop spewing hate and writing shit articles. Grow a pair and write something useful. Gerbil looking ass.”
e) “This is what causes racism. You have no business knowing what goes into my body. You piece of human waste!”
15) What is the best way for a journalist getting such a message to respond?
a) “Thank you for your response. As it happens, I’m a very well-educated fucking commie; I don’t brag about it because I don’t want to put people off, although in your case, I’m happy to make an exception.”
b) “Thank you for your response. I may not be the best journalist, but my parents love me and support all my life decisions, so I’m okay with myself. Can you say the same?”
c) “Thank you for your response. You’re kind for saying it, but I wish I was a menace to society – at least I would have had a couple of gold albums and a huge following of disaffected suburban youths!”
d) “Thank you for your response. I can’t help but notice that critics of my article are obsessed with feces. Either you are all monkeys, you were not properly toilet trained as children or you may want to consider therapy. Possibly, all three. Oh, and you might not want to use the words ‘gerbil’ and ‘ass’ so close to each other in the same sentence – you might give the reader the right impression.”
e) “Thank you for your response, but it’s not what goes into your body that I’m concerned with – it’s what comes out!”
16) According to Ontario’s Integrity Commissioner, the rerouting of the planned Bradford Bypass was not a conflict of interest for Associate Transportation Minister Stan Cho even though it meant the highway would go around Cho’s father’s property in East Gwillimbury rather than cutting through it. Really? What would constitute a conflict of interest for Ontario’s Integrity Commissioner?
a) define conflict of interest
b) define integrity
c) you are soooooooo living in the wrong province!
17) What are the odds?
a) twenty-five or six to four (Kristof, our bookie, was having an off day; we think he may have been listening to a classic rock station again)
b) the band that recorded the song “Someone Who is Cool”
c) better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick to a blind wombat – punt!
d) other
18) When do we just give up on vaccine refusers?
a) at their wakes
b) I don’t know, but, whenever it is, it will be long after they have given up on us, so it only seems fair
c) if you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you and give you an infection that cripples you for life and kills most of your family, they love you. If they are hospitalized before they are able to, they never did
19) What is “connectomics?”
a) the economics of stapling two sheets of paper together (an archaic area of research in a post-digital world)
b) the economics of meeting cute
c) the monetization of E. M. Forrester
20) What is the proper use of “there enlies” in a sentence?
a) People are not taught the fundamentals of English usage from a young age, and there enlies the problem.
b) Modern China would not have taken the form it did without him, and there enlies Zhou.
c) that’s not a real phase – you made that shit up, even though you can’t make shit like this up – you make my head hurt! Why do I read you‽