1) What is a “jobsworth?”
a) one of Warren Beatty’s failed comedies
b) more than a cup, less than an abandoned dream
c) you’re asking me? I’m sorry, but it’s more than my job’s worth to answer!
2) What is Cryo-coulrophobia?
a) fear of clowns who freeze beef
b) fear of crying a frozen river
c) fear of damaging kohlrabi by freezing it
d) none of the above (and so much less!)
3) Constable Erin Howard pled guilty to discreditable conduct at a Police Services Act disciplinary hearing. According to her lawyer, Andrew McKay, “Constable Howard has taken responsibility and entered a plea of guilty, and is looking forward to a successful career with Durham Regional Police Services while learning a very valuable lesson about rules and regulations and policies and procedures. What valuable lesson has Constable Howard learned?
a) when you accuse colleagues and leadership of being “brainwashed” about COVID-19 mandates, they are often offended – who knew?
b) when you call lawless people “heroes,” you will often offend the people whose lives they have disrupted – nobody could have seen that one coming!
c) when you proclaim that you’re “ashamed” to wear your badge, people who are proud to wear their badges will often be offended – how could she have foreseen that?
d) all of the above (and so much more!)
4) According to Greek Deputy Prime Minister Ioannis Oikonomou, “Democratic values like the rule of law, freedom of speech and transparency are at the very heart of what the government of Greece stands for.” How does this square with the Greek government monitoring the communications of journalists who write critical articles about it?
a) in Greece, geometry has joined with the mathematics of imaginary numbers
b) about as well as the round peg coaxed into the hole with a hammer
c) the Deputy Prime Minister failing basic anatomy in medical school was what convinced him to go into politics
5) What is a “contranym?”
a) an American political scandal that’s a bit before your time (you can be forgiven for not recognizing it – it doesn’t end in “gate”)
b) the civilian name of a Marvel superhero
c) the opposite of what you think it is – no matter what you think it is (it’s the Moebius strip of the English language)
6) What is the difference between slavery and indentured servitude?
a) slavery is “a crime against humanity;” indentured servitude is “business as usual”
b) slavery starts with the kidnapping of free people; indentured servitude starts with high student debt
c) the majority of slaves were black; the majority of people in indentured servitude is bla – umm, this may not make as much of a difference as first meets the eye…
7) Moscow staged a referendum in territories it holds in Ukraine on whether they want to break away from the country and join Russia. How do we know that the referendum was totally legit?
a) the police who accompanied officials carrying ballots to apartment blocks had painted smiley faces on their guns to show voters they had nothing to fear
b) only 99% voted in favour of joining Russia, and hardly any of the one per cent who voted against it will be punished
c) the Russians administering the referendum were advised by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis
8) To celebrate the 10th anniversary of the start of the project, completion of the Eglinton LRT (Light Rapid Transit) has once again been delayed. What is the reason this time?
a) “The dog ate our homework.”
b) “A generation has been brought up experiencing the delays owing to construction all along the street, and we want to ease the shock of it functioning for them.”
c) “We’re getting to it! Okay? We’re gonna get to it…soon. Geez, what are you, our mothers?”
9) The British government plans on cutting taxes while at the same time reducing deficits. Where have we heard this before?
a) Spitting Image
b) Saturday Night Live
c) This Hour Has 22 Minutes
10) What is “eatertainment?”
a) what Alice was advised not to do when she was introduced to her food
b) making a joke at the expense of the food your least favourite aunt has just put on the table in front of you
c) That’s Eatertainment! was the name of a compilation of all of the most luxurious scenes of people eating in food porn movies (half of the film was an excerpt from Babette’s Feast)
11) Is “greedflation” taking place within the Canadian grocery sector?
a) yes
b) no
c) are you going to finish what’s on your plate? Because if not, I’m sure I could find a good home for it…
12) Is freezing grocery prices a solution to greedflation?
a) not if you prefer fresh
b) not as long as groceries can charge customers for the air they breath while in the store
c) maybe, but if the government did that, where would grocers go for their greedflationtainment?
13) What is cynophobia a fear of?
a) priests
b) doing something that pisses off priests
c) cyanide (something you will consider taking if you piss off priests badly enough)
14) What is the meaning of this‽
a) a pronoun used to identify a specific person or thing close at hand or being indicated or experienced
b) it is a form of punctuation to be used when a question mark just doesn’t fully capture the emotion of the moment
c) its certainly not that!
15) Since the Ontario “Progressive” Conservatives were elected, eight of the 15 areas of the Greenbelt where development will soon be allowed were purchased. Nobody in the government has denied that developers were informed before the policy was announced. What is the innocent explanation for this?
a) the government gets a goofy grin on its face and says, “Widdle owd me? I didn’t do nuffin’!”
b) the government gets a blank look and points to a ghost with “NOT ME” on its chest
c) 27 pages of dense legal text
16) According to Municipal Affairs and Housing Minister Steve Clark, proper procedures were followed. What does this say about the government’s procedures?
a) they’re about as effective as a moist towelette deployed to fight a raging forest fire
b) they’re about as effective as gold ingots when you need a laxative
c) there’s no way of knowing, because the Minister won’t tell us anything else
17) How do you know you’re experiencing “funployment?”
a) there is a grin on your face as you finish your 20th hour of work…today
b) you’re singing a happy tune…between bouts of coughing because your employer does not allow you to take any sick days
c) your boss reminds you that experiencing funployment is in your contract
18) What is “independent state legislature” doctrine?
a) a joke on the Founding Fathers
b) John Eastman and Donald Trump’s wet dream (you’re welcome for that image)
c) the legal theory pulled out of the ass of a junior member of the Federalist Society that says that checks and balances are for losers, so state legislatures don’t have to recognize court rulings that go against them
19) Is the Supreme Court of the United States really considering the independent state legislature blah blah? Seriously? And they wonder why the court’s reputation is lower than whale spit?
a) hey! Don’t be so negative – whale spit has 101 uses in the home!
b) hey! Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito and Neil Gorsuch have wet dreams, too, you know!
c) you know what they say: moral authority is for those who don’t know how to wield real power (well, Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito and Neil Gorsuch say it, in any case, so all they need to do is persuade two other justices and it will become the law of the land)
20) One provision of the National Defence Authorization Act is the end to mandatory COVID-19 vaccinations for military personnel. The Republicans wanted this provision. Demanded it as the cost of not blocking the bill, in fact. How does COVID vaccination differ from the 17 other vaccinations troops must get before serving?
a) it is the most melancholy of vaccinations
b) 18 is traditionally an unlucky number in the American military
c) Rupert Murdoch calculated that coming out against influenza or hepatitis vaccines wouldn’t be as much of a crowd-pleaser