1) What Lord of the Rings character are you most like?
a) Spock
b) Hunter S. Thompson
c) Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins, King of the Wild Frontier
2) What is your kissing style?
a) I kiss with my elbows (and, yes, I have given more than my share of dates black eyes, but, considering how they ultimately treated me, they got off lightly!)
b) Tudor, with ample balustrades
c) contemporary geek, with a side of braces
3) Barack Obama has said that he intends to end the war in Iraq, but keep 50,000 troops in the country afterwards. This is like…
a) saying you’re finished eating, then scarfing down three more burgers, two boxes of fries and an apple turnover.
b) limiting yourself to one hour of Internet time a day, but not counting checking your email, Facebook updates or Tweets.
c) getting married, then sleeping with 50,000 other women.
4) Who does he think he’s fooling?
a) Eddie Horowitz (of the Kentucky Horowitz’)
b) Francine Dubrowitzer (the society columnist – yes, they still exist – of the Schenectady Post and Fishwrap)
c) you. Shhh…
5) During the impeachment committee hearings investigating former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, Roland Burris claimed he had no conversations with anyone from the governor’s family prior to his appointment. Having been appointed to Barack Obama’s vacated Senate seat, he now admits that the governor’s brother asked him to raise $10,000 to $15,000. Burris doesn’t seem like such a nice guy now, does he?
a) they define “nice” differently in Washington
b) I’d start a mail romance with him if he ended up in jail
c) you know, when you’re contemplating the nation’s business, details like who asked you to raise money for him when can slip your mind. They can just slip…your…mi – what were we talking about, again?
6) After accepting over $160 billion in government bailout money, insurance company AIG gave the people in its derivatives department – the people arguably largely responsible for its bankruptcy and much of the damage to the economy – over $150 million in retention bonuses. Have they no shame?
a) shame is for the little people
b) sure, they have shame. Lots of it. They just can afford to pay other people to feel it for them…
c) shame is just another word for nothing left to losers
7) How did you celebrate National Pi Day?
a) irrationally
b) I baked my 3.14 with cherries
c) I made bad Pi/pie puns (see answer b for an obscure, possibly absurd, definitely awkward example)
8) General Motors, while requesting as much as $30 billion in bailout funds, promised, in return, to cut 47,000 employees worldwide. How unclear on the concept are the people who run the joint?
a) as unclear as somebody who sells pornographic photographs to blind people
b) as unclear as somebody who sells car insurance to prisoners on Death Row
c) as unclear as somebody who tries to clarify an issue for people who stand to make tons of money as long as they continue not to understand it
9) Why are contracts that give AIG executives over $150 million in bonuses sacrosanct, while contracts that give auto workers things like health insurance and pensions are open for renegotiation?
a) remember question 6, answer a? Substitute “contract renegotiations” for “shame”
b) hey! Do you have any idea how badly the yacht industry is suffering during the economic downturn? Actually, we don’t either, but we bet it’s really bad. This is just a way to help a vital sector of the economy
c) an obscure branch of the legal system known as “tart law”
10) Israeli soldiers killed unarmed Palestinian civilians without provocation or warning and vandalized their property in the recent war in Gaza. This happened because of poor discipline, lax rules of engagement and a low estimation of the value of Palestinian life. Who made these allegations?
a) anti-Semites. Obviously, anti-Semites. Yes, that’s right, I said anti-Semites! You know, the kind of anti-Semites who want the state of Israel to fail. The kind of anti-Semites who, when you accuse them of being anti-Semites, accuse you back of stifling criticism. You get the picture? People who don’t like Jews very much.
b) oi! You again! I just told you – weren’t you listening? What are you, some kind of anti- –
c) some Israeli soldiers who fought in Gaza
11) Israeli soldiers? Really? Umm, how is the AIPAC going to be able to spin that?
a) killing unarmed civilians is obviously a source of post-traumatic stress for the soldiers, so we should take what they say with some salt (say, more than a grain but less than a Lot’s wife)
b) it’s all Rachel Maddow’s fault
c) obviously, those people risking their lives to defend Israel are anti-Semites!
12) would you pay $48 for a tube of lipstick?
a) sure – if it did my taxes and got me a huge refund
b) possibly – how good is the back massage it gives?
c) are you kidding? I don’t have $48 to pay my mortgage!
13) What does FOIA stand for?
a) Federation of International Asslickers
b) Free, Or I’m Asinine
c) you don’t know? Really? You haven’t a clue? Maybe you should file a Freedom of Information Act request to get the government to explain it to you…
14) When did you first feel the urge to slap former Vice President Dick Cheney upside the head in the hopes of getting some sense in there?
a) when I heard squads of assassins were being directed out of his office
b) when I learned that he ordered prisoners to remain in Guantanamo Bay even though he knew they were innocent because to release them would reflect badly on the competence of his administration
c) you know, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to slap former Vice President Dick Cheney upside the head
15) A man who killed two RCMP officers and wounded another has told the court that the life sentence it gave him for the killings sent the wrong message. What message is that?
a) if you eat more Vachon cakes, you’ll grow up to be healthy and strong
b) you don’t have to brush your teeth more than once a week to maintain good oral hygiene
c) you shouldn’t call for the police when you need help, because you may end up killing them
16) Why is it really okay that city councilors Cesar Palacio, Frank Di Giorgio and Giorgio Mammoliti took lunch at a strip club?
a) they didn’t look
b) their wives don’t understand them
c) you can’t regulate what you don’t know
17) What did you do the hour after Earth Hour?
a) hopped on my private jet and flew to Rio to celebrate. Man, this ecological consciousness shit is great!
b) flipped on the tube and basked in CNN’s approval
c) shut off all my lights and didn’t use a – what? You said after Earth Hour? Nobody told me I had to do anything after Earth Hour! Damn, this ecological consciousness shit is hard!
18) Which of the following is actually the title of a book released in 2008?
a) Living with Crazy Buttocks
b) The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-Milligram Containers of Fromage Frais
c) Baboon Metaphysics
d) If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs
e) all – yes, I said all – of the above
19) What motivates Ezra Levant?
a) he hates everything you believe in, and he wants you to know it
b) even if a) was true, he loves his mother
c) when he was a child, he was bitten by a radioactive spider, and he didn’t get any special powers, but to this day it hurts like a son of a bitch, and wouldn’t you be angry and bitter?
20) Einzplat couer remnatio inflagnation satch blech. Erangunt peblem suarzez, dalmarion fez lop clop perflops einem greiptsen?
a) not when the inflagnation happened over 25 years before the suarzez
b) only if the dalmarion is in heat
c) never on Sunday
d) other