1) According to NBC, the main character of its new series, The Philanthropist, is a “vigilante philanthropist.” What the hell is a vigilante philanthropist?
a) if a poor person in a third world country doesn’t accept his aid money, he shoots them
b) somebody who jumps into his car and screams dramatically down busy urban streets in order to be on time for his appearance at a conference on world hunger
c) a sad sign of a television network desperate for attention
2) What should be the name of Dick Cheney’s new book?
a) [CENSORED]
b) [CENSORED SQUARED]
c) [OH, MY [CENSORED], HIGHLY CENSORED]
d) [CENSORED OTHER]
3) What song on your iPod gets you amped to hit the town?
a) “I Wanna Be Sedated” by the Ramones
b) “Orinoco Flow” by Enya
c) “Toccata and Fugue in D Minor” by Johann Sebastian Bach
4) The Senate Finance Committee, Chaired By Max “Pharma Money Won’t Influence Me Because My Mind Was Already Made Up” Baucus, is proposing health cooperatives. Whose health are they supposed to help, exactly?
a) sick people who cooperate
b) pharmaceutical (and insurance – never forget insurance) companies who feel they don’t have to cooperate with government when the interests of the people are at stake
c) you’re not being very cooperative, are you?
5) Baucus’ Committee is made up of four Republicans and three Democrats. How did that happen?
a) Alice showed him where the rabbit hole was
b) the composition of the committee was decided on Opposite Day
c) like the Matakai peoples of Indonesiastan, members of the Senate Finance Committee cannot count any number less than a billion
6) The Canadian Security Intelligence Service has admitted that it didn’t tell the court trying to determine if Hassan Almrei was a threat to Canadian security that one of its confidential informants was “deceptive,” and another was not subjected to a lie detector test, even though CSIS had claimed he was. CSIS is planning to defend its actions in camera to Federal Court Justice Richard Mosley. What is its best line of defense?
a) “Hey – he’s a bad guy. So, who cares if the evidence is a little…less evidency than we claimed? Everybody knows he’s a bad guy – please let us send him to Syria. Please, please, pretty please with sprinkles on top. Because, you know, did we mention that he’s a bad guy?”
b) “NATIONAL SECURITY! NATIONAL SECURITY! NATIONAL SECURITY! NATIONAL SECURITY! NATIONAL SECURITY! With sprinkles on top.”
c) “The truth? You want the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!”
7) What is a “pastorpreneur?”
a) an entrepreneur who has passed his best by date
b) somebody who makes a living selling spaghetti
c) a priest who believes that when Christ threw the moneylenders out of the temple, it was so he could keep all of the riches they left behind for himself
8) According to your health insurance policy: “Pursuant to Clause 14, Subsection 12, Paragraph iv of Appendix XI, if average deductible for the ‘procedure’ (as defined in footnote 187 on page 1,244) is greater than the average Amazonian rainfall in the previous fiscal year, Insurer [heretofore referred to as ‘Insurer’] is not obligated to pay out an amount greater than the co-pay {as outlined in Schedule 2B} nine times out of 10 with a margin of error of plus or minus three percentage points.” What does this passage mean for your coverage?
a) if you can stay healthy until you’re 129 years old, you should be fine
b) you should have supported health care reform when you had the chance
c) if you actually get compensated for a visit to your doctor’s office, the shock will kill you
9) Why do Democrats protect Republicans from the consequences of their most illegal and immoral behaviour?
a)
b)
c)
10) How will the Canadian government of 2011 explain not pulling troops out of Afghanistan?
a) if it’s Conservative, it will say that Canada has international obligations, our allies depend on us and SHUT UP BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO DO WHAT WE THINK IS BEST
b) if it’s Liberal, it will say that Canada has international obligations, our allies depend on us and please don’t be mean to us over the decision because, you know, we’re all doing our best and just trying to get along, okay? Really, okay?
c) if it’s New Democratic, they’ll be so stunned that they actually formed a government that they’ll forget to explain not pulling troops out of Afghanistan
11) General Motors is developing a fragrance for men called Cadillac. What will be the dominant note in this fragrance?
a) fear
b) desperation
c) grapefruit and camomile with a mix of geranium, tarragon and cinnamon…with just a hint of fear and desperation
12) What is the most important criterion for winning the Miss Plastic Hungary contest?
a) the limit on your credit card
b) where the plastic is distributed in your body; hard as it may be to believe, shin implants don’t go over well with the judges
c) the contestant’s position on world peace
13) The Canadian mint has lost $16 million worth of gold. What is this in terms people can understand?
a) food for 100 families of four for the next 10 years
b) food for four families of 100 for the next 11 years
c) the cost of six and half episodes of Stargate: Moosejaw
14) How did the Canadian mint lose $16 million worth of gold?
a) it signed itself out. It was there voluntarily – gold can do that, you know, and who are you to judge?
b) it isn’t lost so much as playing an elaborate game of hide and seek; unfortunately, the gold doesn’t respond to calls from its mother to come home before its dinner gets cold
c) the mint could have sworn the gold was in its other pocket!
15) What is a nibble move test?
a) if your dinner moves after you’ve nibbled it, check yourself into a hospital for food poisoning
b) if your lover doesn’t move after you’ve nibbled her, you need a sex manual, stat!
c) if your cat doesn’t move after nibbling at the food you’ve put in his dish…well…that’s just like a cat, isn’t it?
16) When did CNN’s Lou Dobbs jump the shark?
a) when he suggested that illegal aliens should be harvested for their protein
b) when he insisted that Birthers, people who deny that President Barack Obama was born in the United States, deserve to have their case heard, even as a guest waved a copy of Obama’s Hawaiian birth certificate in Dobbs’ face
c) jump the shark? Lou Dobbs was born in the shark!
17) The Toronto CUPE strike that lasted over a month is now over, with both sides making concessions. Naturally, pundits are bitching about the settlement. What did they expect?
a) David Miller’s head to explode
b) the heads of all of CUPE members to explode
c) you think they were expecting anything? Like pundits needed an excuse to bash the Mayor or Unions? How charmingly naive…
18) Although Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei bestowed his formal endorsement on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his second term as President, the SL didn’t kiss him. Why?
a) Ahmadinejad caught Khamenei holding hands with his bitter rival, opposition leader Mirhossein Mousavi, and threw the friendship ring Khamenei had given him in his face; ever since, relations between them have been frosty
b) the last time Khamenei kissed Ahmadinejad, he got a cold sore that lasted a month, and you have to know he doesn’t want that to happen again!
c) people in the Ministry of Information were beginning to talk
19) What did the Nuremberg Tribunal call “the supreme international crime differing only from other war crimes in that it contains within itself the accumulated evil of the whole”
a) a kiss from Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
b) conducting the nibble move test on prisoners of war
c) producing a television series about a vigilante philanthropist
20) Israel evicted 50 Palestinians from their homes in occupied east Jerusalem to allow Jewish families to settle there. Why would it do that?
a) US President Barack Obama had told Israel to stop expanding Jewish settlements in occupied territory, but it was Opposite Day
b) US President Barack Obama had told Israel to stop expanding Jewish settlements in occupied territory, but it’s not like he’s important, or anything
c) anything I could say at this point would be construed as anti-Semitic, so can we just say that Israel must have had its reasons and leave it at that?