What the Heck Do You Know?
Thought The Worst Was Over – Boy Was It Ever Wrong!

881) At this point, how can anybody deny that the war on Iraq was not primarily about control of oil?

1. because gerbils have nibbled away at their brains
2. because he stuck his fingers in his ears and shouted “Nyah, nyah, I’m not listening” repeatedly, without a break, for the last six years
3. because she watches Fox News

882) Don’t you agree that several GIs killed each week is a small price to pay for the oil we need?

1. no, because I prefer Ranch dressing on my salad
2. why not? It’s not like, in this volunteer army, I’ll be one of them…did I say that out loud? Uhh, I meant no, of course not!
3. oh, absolutely! See, we get illegal immigrants to enlist, then we send them off to foreign countries to die! Talk about killing two birds with one stone! Karl left all these neat plans before he quit…

883) Who are the Moustache Brothers?

1. they’re not brothers and they’re not moustaches
2. the cause of the 100 years war
3. whose facial hair wants to know?

884) Former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney didn’t declare the $300,000 given to him by German executive Karlheinz Schreiber on his taxes until many years after he received it. While this is perfectly legal in Canada, it does raise the question of what the payment was for. That’s not the question I want to ask, though. Not again. Not at this time. The question is: why did Mulroney wait several years to declare the income?

1. he’s modest
2. he’s otiose
3. you better not be insinuating that he didn’t declare the income because it was part of an illicit payoff, and that he only declared it after the payoff had become public knowledge, buster, because if you are you should expect a hefty lawsuit to come your way!

885) If everything about the payment was clean and aboveboard, as Mulroney (and certain questionnaire answers) insists, why doesn’t he just tell people what it was for?

1. he’s iridescent
2. he’s chilled to perfection
3. oh, you so better expect a lawyer’s letter soon!

886) Paul Pritchard made a video of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Tasering Robert Dziekanski at the Vancouver International Airport, an incident which led to the man’s death. The RCMP, investigating the incident, asked Pritchard to give them the tape, which he did. They have since told him that they will not return it until the investigation is over, which could take years. What was the bus driver’s name? No, seriously, how long before the tape is “lost” for good?

1. six months
2. six days
3. six hours
4. what tape?

887) As a selling point for their new fragrance, He Wood, one of the designers behind DSquared said “Smelling like Canada is sexy.” What exactly does Canada smell like?

1. a cross between a wet moose and Celine Dion just after a shower, only slightly less pungent
2. a cross between Tim Horton’s coffee and the Alberta Tar Sands after an especially humid day, only slightly more appetizing
3. you know what a stripped down 67 Corvette smells like? Well, the opposite of that
4. other

888) When you’re stressed out, what would be the worst choice of a Happy Place to go to?

1. a slaughterhouse
2. Donald Trump’s hairpiece
3. a Conservative Party caucus meeting
4. other

889) Who or what is Mukasey?

1. in Imperial Russia, a proclamation of the tsar, government, or a religious leader (patriarch) that had the force of law
2. an avid fan of waterboarding, which he hopes will be an official sport at the next summer Olympics…or winter Olympics…or the time in between official Olympics – he’s just an agreeable kind of guy
3. nobody you have to worry about because it’s not like he’s in a position of authority or anything

890) President Bush, responding to Michael Mukasey’s confirmation hearings for the post of Attorney-General (ooh, what a giveaway!), said questions about waterboarding should be off limits because “It doesn’t make any sense to tell the enemy whether we use those techniques or not.” Uhh, with all due respect (which, granted, isn’t much), at this point who doesn’t know that the US uses waterboarding in its interrogations?

1. some fetuses in rural areas (well, those in their first trimester, in any case)
2. somebody who stuck his fingers in his ears and shouted “Nyah, nyah, I’m not listening” repeatedly, without a break, for the last five years (he missed a lot)
3. some penguins who live far north, like, really far north

891) Which of the following statements is most likely to be true?

1. “I’m moving up to chairman. I’ve decided to slow down.” (Frank D’Angelo, who sold his majority stake in Steelback Brewery, whose CEO will now be a 24 year-old)
2. “There just comes a time when one hears the clock ticking a little bit, and I have realized over the course of these past seven years how much of my energy, how much of my spirit, has been devoted to this enterprise. I was less willing to acknowledge how the other part of my life [his family], and in a sense the most important part of my life, was not receiving that kind of attention.” (Greg Sorbara, announcing his decision to step down as Ontario Liberal Finance Minister)
3. “The job has always come first, and then you start doing some reflection about what does your own life mean and about your own priorities. I’ve had a great run at the CBC. I love the CBC. Radio is doing very well, but I personally need more balance and a re-look at my life.” (Jane Chalmers explaining why she is stepping down as head of CBC English radio after only five years)
4. none of the above

892) What is a MAM?

1. the proper way to address a lady, leastways the way I was brought up
2. you dirty old man! You should be ashamed of yourself!
3. a Military Aged Male, otherwise known as a legitimate target for extermination in Iraq

893) To soften its image, Blackwater has changed its logo, losing the blood red background, making the bear more cuddly and deemphasizing the sniper scope. If the mercenary outfit really wants to make its image softer, more publicly acceptable, what should it do?

1. write love odes to Abrams tanks
2. spray Kate Moss’ new fragrance at civilians along with the bullets
3. uhh, stop being a mercenary outfit?

894) You can be a pain in the ass, but not a pain in the lungs. You can be a pain the neck, but not a pain in the medulla oblongata. By this logic, you can be a pain in the chest, but not a pain in the…

1. crankshaft
2. Oval Office
3. carborundum

895) Oh, my god! First, it’s bad for you, then it’s good for you, then it’s bad for you again! Especially if it’s from China! Is there anything safe for me to eat?

1. good old Canadian beef…unless it came from Rancher’s Beef, which has, uhh, recalled some of its products as part of an ongoing investigation by the Canadian Food Inspection Agency
2. seafood – how can you go wrong with the fruit of the sea? – like shrimp…unless it was breaded shrimp or coconut shrimp sold at M & M Meat Shops, which is being recalled because it may have been contaminated with nitrofurans, drugs banned in Canada
3. carborundum

896) Only a quarter of the Russian population knows that National Unity Day was established three years ago by President Vladimir Putin to replace October Revolution Day with a holiday similarly patriotic but not quite so Communistical. What do the other three quarters of the population think the holiday is about?

1. Halloween (without the treats)
2. another reason to shoot vodka into your eyeballs (as if another reason was necessary)
3. the derivative of the function of x squared plus 27 over the square root of lunch (this parenthesis doesn’t actually have a humourous point to make; it’s here to preserve the pattern set up by the previous two answers)

897) Alex Morrison, president of the Canadian Institute of Strategic Studies, has referred to “the Taliban and the rest of that gangster crew.” What was the tip-off that that Canadian troops fighting in Afghanistan were up against a gangster (or, technically, gangsta) crew?

1. they wear their pants so low, they can moon you with their spit-polished butt cheeks
2. they’ve got so much bling, they need to wear body braces to keep from falling forward
3. Taliban rap lyrics are terrible, but they keep producing CDs

898) Corporate lawyer Hubert Lacroix has been appointed as the CBC’s new president and chief executive officer. What qualified him for the post?

1. he was a Radio-Canada colour commentator for basketball during the 1984, 1988 and 1996 Olympic Games, so he…uhh…knows what a full court press is…err, that is to say…
2. a donation to a Conservative Party candidate in the 2006 election
1. (continued) …no, really, being a basketball commentator did help qualify him for the position because…umm…he knows what a strong defense is like…err…well, actually…
3. his lifelong commitment to public broadcasting…ha ha ha, no, I’m kidding. Seriously, it was donation to a Conservative Party candidate in the 2006 election

899) Why has the Canadian government, despite a decades long tradition, refused to ask for clemency for a Canadian on American Death Row?

1. because there isn’t enough support for the death penalty in Canada, so, for bloodthirsty backbenchers, this is the next best thing to killing Canadian criminals
2. because a poll of 20,000 scientists has confirmed that human activity is a primary cause of global…no, you know, it’s just the red meat to the backbenchers thing
3. because there is no actual evidence linking increased music downloading to the impoverishment of record company executi – no, it’s pandering to the backbenchers, and not only them, but their bloodthirsty constituents, too

900) Why do you ask all the hard questions?

1. because it’s only by hitting our heads repeatedly against a wall that we learn
2. President Bush has already taken all the easy questions
3. Viagra