What the Heck Do You Know? — The Web Version

Have you ever wondered what happens to those online surveys you spend literally hours filling out and sending? Perhaps Bill Gates reads your pithy comments and decides he doesn’t really need to control world communications. Maybe the engineers at Intel have taken your latest post to heart and won’t mess up their next attempt at floating point calculations. It could happen, right?

Yeah, right. In your heart of hearts, deep in that secret place where you know that downloading a photo of Pamela Lee Anderson will never bring you closer to her physical body — yes, that place — you know your surveys will be chuckled over by lunkheaded high school dropouts before being sent to the delete bin.

The nice thing about filling out What the Heck Do You Know? — the Web Version is that there is no uncertainty about what will happen to it — it will go straight to the delete bin. Why? Because we here at Les Pages Aux Folles truly, totally and utterly do not care about your opinion. We are, in fact, so indifferent to the state of your knowledge that we won’t even bother to laugh at it.

So, please, by all means, complete the following survey. Then send it to a friend, a loved one overseas or some know-nothing drone at the Fraser Institute. Whatever you do, don’t send it to us! If pressed, we’ll claim we don’t even know how to turn our computers on!

1) Is increasing use of the World Wide Web causing people’s attention spans to get shorter?
a) Obviously, moving from page to page with such ease makes it more lik
b) There have never been any studies which have conclusively proven tha
c) What was the ques
d) Other

2) What if they held a war and nobody came?
a) The military budget would only go up by 5% next year instead of 10%
b) Pat Buchanan would be very, very, very disappointed.
c) Life would go on.

3) Which apocalypse would you choose?
a) The Evangelical Christian, which will occur in 2,000, when all the righteous will float up to Heaven in the Rapture while everybody else will die in horrible wars.
b) The techno-pagan, which will occur in 2012, when a time bifurcation will signal the end of history and the beginning of a new spiritual age.
c) The one of the nut on the corner, which will happen any time, now, where everybody dies in agonizing pain in a sea of molten fire because nobody is worth saving.
d) That of Chicken Little, which is currently in progress, where the physical structure of the sky begins to decompose and collapse around us.

4) Why do trains never run on time?
a) Sunspots.
b) As systems grow in complexity, it becomes increasingly difficult to coordinate all of their components, especially on the periphery, from a central location.
c) It’s their nature.

5) Why is it wrong to send an electric penis skittering across the floor of a provincial legislature while the government is in session?
a) You may wake up some of the politicians on the back benches.
b) Some people have no sense of humour!
c) The press will make your party look bad — the prudes!
d) I give up. Why is it wrong to send an electric penis skittering across the floor of a provincial legislature while the government is in session?
e) Other

6) who should be the next member of NATO?
a) Switzerland.
b) Mars.
c) Mrs. Szawicki, my next door neighbour.

7) Why do people say things are “safe as houses?”
a) I started saying it after I heard my father say it, yes and his father before him! In fact, that phrase goes back thirty-seven generations in my family — why we were saying things were safe as houses before there even were houses! So, show some respect!
b) Obviously, because houses are a good investment — everybody needs a place to live. Of course, that hasn’t, strictly speaking, been true since the bottom fell out of the real estate market…but, anyway, houses are sturdy structures which are safe to be in…except during an earthquake…or during a hurricane…or even a very stiff breeze. I don’t know — I guess those people are just misinformed.
c) It sounds great when you say it with a British accent.

8) How soon is now?
a) “The Battle of Evermore.”
b) This is not a debate, young man! You march yourself up those stairs and straight into bed — now!
c) Sooner than you think, friend. Sooner than you think…

9) Scientology will be accepted as a mainstream religion…
a) When Steven Hawking declares himself a god.
b) When it adopts the catchy slogan, “We’re here, we’re Clear and we want your children!”
c) This is a trick question — Scientology will never be a mainstream religion.
d) This is a trick question — Scientology already is a mainstream religion.

10) Enjoying yourself so far?
a) My parole officer told me to take this test — said it would be good for me. Cha, right! Good for me!
b) So far as what?
c) Love is the best special effect of them all.
d) Other

11) Why is Israeli violence against Arab civilians more acceptable than Arab violence against Israeli civilians?
a) Because every bomb used by Israelis to blow up civilian homes or ambulances has “This explosive device courtesy of God’s Chosen People” on the side.
b) Because the weapons are supplied by American corporations, and they like to know that their customers are getting good value for their money.
c) Because everybody’s fantasy of dealing with difficult fourteen and fifteen year-olds is to break their hands with rocks.

12) What would you do if you found yourself in a crippled Russian space station?
a) Phone the central planners for advi — oh, wait. There are no central planners any more…
b) Order out for a pizza (30 orbits or it’s free!).
c) Swallow my pride and ask a passing UFO for directions.

13) Daddy, why is the sky blue?
a) Because if it were brown with reddish streaks, everybody would think that god threw up in the heavens.
b) Because the light comes from the sun, which is very, very, very far away, and it gets so tired that it can’t shine pure white.
c) Because the differential refractory nature of atmospheric transluscence shifts the visible spectrum several degrees to the left. Now, now — I know it isn’t an easy concept to grasp, but, well, you’ll understand when you’re older.

14) Brain is to mind as…
a) Hippopotamus is to ironing board.
b) Walter is to Winchell.
c) Green is to jump.

15) Hey, rube! Where’d you get that hair?
a) Out of a can.
b) Panama.
c) Hey! These plugs and extensions cost more than your entire circus! So, have some respect!
d) Other

16) Do you believe in Extrasensory Perception or other paranormal phenomena?
a)
b)
c)

17) What is the funniest word in the English language?
a) Crackerjack.
b) Fenestration.
c) Pudding.
d) Other

18) Which joke about my name do you like the most?
a) So, when are you going to stop bombing London and make peace with the British?
b) Why should I invest in you when, with a little luck, I can get a much better rate of return on the market?
c) Isn’t that woman’s name? I always thought that was a woman’s name…

19) What is the MAI?
a) Monks on Acid Indefinitely.
b) Mad Aardvarks go Indigo.
c) The death knell for national sovereignty.

20) What next?
a) NeXT (computer companies don’t need to know how to spell).
b) The Naked Babes with Snidely Wiplash Moustaches Fetish page.
c) Declaring personal bankruptcy as a fashion statement.