Can’t talk – must dash – you know the drill: fill out – throw away – DO NOT SEND TO US! – we’ll be out of the office until next Thursday.
1) There is a Trojan condoms ad with the line, “Reduce the risk” What risk are they suggesting their product will reduce?
a) having fun
b) acid rain
c) being kidnapped by Borneo pygmies who, mistaking you for Unpronounceable, their ancient god of Tupperware, want you to return to their country and reveal to them the secrets of plastic ice trays
d) I can’t believe you’re doing this again
2) Can you believe I’m doing this again?
a) do you pay attention to what you write?
b) you did this before
c) I can believe anything you tell me, as long as you look deep into my eyes and say it like you mean it. The wine helps, too
3) What does a George W. Bush Presidency mean?
a) Dan Quayle’s revenge on the American political system
b) six more weeks of winter
c) all those people who said the intense scrutiny given the personal lives of politicians will result in only mediocrities running for high public office have been proven correct
d) all of the above
4) After September 11, Americans kept saying: “the world will never be the same.” What did they mean?
a) they would start paying attention to the rest of the world, examine their role in it and redouble their efforts to minimize the suffering therein
b) they would gaze ever more deeply into their navels
c) Friends would never seem as charming and bubbly as it once had
d) nothing – the world is always changing
5) What do people have against A Flock of Seagulls?
a) it’s the hair, man. It’s not human, man
b) I lived through the 80s, man, and all I got was this lousy hangover
c) hey! My man Quentin dissed them in Pulp Fiction, and that’s good enough for – what? What are you talking about? Course it was a diss! Man, you don’t even know a diss when you hear it! This quiz is soooo lame!
6) What are you looking at?
a) I…err – uhh, well, you know…nothing
b) waddya got?
c) it’s not very big…it’s got orange and puce wings…it tastes better in a crème brule sauce…eyes like the devil on a Sudbury Saturday night…mottled crue with oak leaf clusters…and it goes by the name of Harry
d) no, no, no. It’s “Wha choo lookin’ at?” The sentiment was right, but if you wanna pass for a New Yorker, you’ve get the attitude down
e) a loser giving me attitude
7) What is the value of a voluntary set of ethical guidelines for corporate CEOs?
a) 50 shares of ImClone stock
b) 100 shares of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Inc. stock
c) 100 shares of WorldCom stock
d) 100 shares of Global Crossings stock
e) 100 shares of Tyco International stock
f) 500 shares of Adelphia Communications
g) 1,000 shares of Enron stock
h) an accountant’s wildest dreams, and who can put a price on that?
8) Ontario is about to allow for-profit clinics to conduct MRI and CT scans for paying customers, but only for medically unnecessary services. What might they be?
a) to determine the contents of a golf ball
b) to determine the contents of your wallet
c) to determine the contents of Health Minister Tony Clement’s head
d) cracking walnuts
e) Placebo Junction
f) to determine the gender of your unborn child
g) to determine the gender of your spouse
h) dental hydrogeny
9) Do you find, having done so many What the Heck Do You Knows, that you repeat yourself?
a) no
b) no…did I just say that?
c) interesting. You know, the thought had never occurred to me that I might have – I mean, uhh, you try to do your best to – umm, I’m sorry, could you please repeat the question?
d) no…have I already said that?
10) What is the proper reaction to Britain’s new policy of not arresting marijuana smokers?
a) “High time!”
b) “High treason!”
c) “Have you ever noticed, like, the vibration of the cosmic string…the colours… giggle – snort!”
11) What the heck is that?
a) a rare Australian duck-billed, side-winding, twin-prop, mini/maxi, double-breasted, pompous, square, laughable, mind-expanding, pejorative, discoloured, antediluvian, often imitated, never duplicated, rarely depilitated Fred.
b) my nose?
c) a Saturday Night Live flashback
12) What do aggressive chefs call their restaurants?
a) You Gotta Paella Wit Dat?
b) Yo! Wadda You Cookin’ At?
c) Quiche, My Ass!
13) What do you hope to get out of RushCon II?
a) a better sense of the meaning to the lyrics of “YYZ”
b) an autographed photograph of Neil Peart reading The Fountainhead
c) a slap in the face from Geddy Lee for suggesting that we share a mutual interest in whale blubber
d) there is actually a convention devoted to the rock power trio Rush?
14) How about those Jays?
a) you know, there’s no shame in being 15 games below 500 at the All Star break…I mean, I’m sure their mothers still love them
b) I lost interest in baseball the day Doug Ault retired
c) Ach, it’s all about money! On the opening day of the season, they should just hand the World Series to the Yankees and save the rest of us all the bother!
9) Do you find, having done so many What the Heck Do You Knows, that you repeat yourself?
a) no
b) no…did I just say that?
c) interesting. You know, the thought had never occurred to me that I might have – I mean, uhh, you try to do your best to – umm, I’m sorry, could you please repeat the question?
d) no…have I already said that?
15) Blue?
a) wouldn’t you?
b) no, sunny
c) I don’t know. Why don’t you ask Joni Mitchell?
16) What have you learned from the recent garbage strike?
a) Torontonians must love their garbage, because they produce so much of it
b) Mayor Mel Lastman is an obnoxious little twerp who is the last person anybody should want in charge in a crisis. (Okay, okay, some people are slow to learn.)
c) despite alarmingly piggish behaviour by corporate CEOs, it’s unions trying to get a better deal for workers that are really destroying the economy
d) garbage is dirty. Garbage left in the street on a hot summer’s day is stinky. The people who clear it away make our lives immeasurably better. Too bad we don’t want to spend the money to allow them to keep their jobs
17) What’s the best thing about the computer revolution?
a) I can get my favourite ads on my handheld so I don’t have to wait until I get home to see them
b) Internet porn
c) the illusion of community without the need to actually take another human being’s reality into account
18) What are the letters of the alphabet?
a) A
b) B
c) C
d) D
e) E
f) F
g) G
h) H
i) I
j) J
k) K
l) L
m) M
n) N
o) O
p) P
q) Q
r) R
s) S
t) T
u) U
v) V
w) W
x) X
y) Y
z) Z
aa) all of the above
19) What does Krispy Kreme mean to you?
a) the fulfillment of a childhood dream
b) I better check my dental adhesive
c) Nothing. If it ain’t Tim Horton’s, it ain’t sh –
20) Okay. Got the picture. Do you have to use such language?
a) it’s only words, man
b) there are no obscene words, only obscene actions (like creating Survivor)
c) Oh, shut the fuck up
9) Do you find, having done so many What the Heck Do You Knows, that you repeat yourself?
a) no
b) no…did I just say that?
c) interesting. You know, the thought had never occurred to me that I might have – I mean, uhh, you try to do your best to – umm, I’m sorry, could you please repeat the question?
d) no…have I already said that?
9) Do you find, having done so many What the Heck Do You Knows, that you repeat yourself?
a) no
b) no…did I just say that?
c) interesting. You know, the thought had never occurred to me that I might have – I mean, uhh, you try to do your best to – umm, I’m sorry, could you please repeat the question?
d) no…have I already said that?
9) Do you find, having done so many What the Heck Do You Knows, that you repeat yourself?
a) no
b) no…did I just say that?
c) interesting. You know, the thou
