In our never-ending quest to gain knowledge (so we can beat our smart aleck brother-in-law at Trivial Pursuit), we often find ourselves going down blind alleys. Leaving aside, for the moment, the issue of why anybody would want to go down an alley with functioning eyes, it should be apparent that if we don’t get the information we need, it is often because we don’t ask the right questions.
“What is the Planck Constant?” is a perfectly reasonable question in a high school physics class; it has less relevance, however, when you’ve just been pulled over by a cop and you’re desperate to keep his attention away from the back seat. You need to ask the right question. (However, keep in mind that “What was Roy Romano’s contribution to modern culture?” is never the right question.)
What the Heck Do You Know? was designed with just this in mind. Our questions have been developed for maximum information content; they are always right. If, after completing the survey, you still feel you haven’t learned anything, change your life. And, whatever you do, do not send completed surveys to us! We just need a pie in the geography category to kick our brother-in-law’s ass!
1) Match the catchphrase with the group most likely to use it.
a) “We’re here, we’re queer and we want a bissel schmear!”
b) “We’re here, we’re queer and we want to instill fear!”
c) “We’re here, we’re queer and we want you to shed a tear!”
i) gay romance fiction writer activists
ii) gay Jewish activists
iii) gay Pentagon spokesperson activists (like there are any!)
2) Which of the following makes your head the most itchy?
a) “Hobbies can be full-time occupations.” (headline, Toronto Star)
b) “This season will again put sharp focus on that noble waste-management wreck Tony, as both his families begin to further crumble.” (review, Globe and Mail)
c) “Two of the most influential architects of American foreign policy reveal their blueprint for winning the war on terror…” (ad for a book by Richard Perle and David Frum, Globe and Mail)
3) Is there anything less interesting than Ashton Kutcher’s relationship with Demi Moore?
a) no, I can’t think of anything…
b) well, you know, I grew up in Napanee-Wetaskewin, human population 217, frog population 21,799, and I can think of lots of things that are less interesting than Ashton Kutcher’s relationship with Demi Moore – do you know what a bullfrog in heat sounds like? Okay, do you know what 10,000 bullfrogs in heat sound like?
c) uhh, no, there really isn’t…
4) McDonald’s restaurants is planning on developing a “healthy lifestyle” campaign aimed at addressing consumer concerns about rising obesity rates. This is most like…
a) a weapons manufacturer supporting Canada’s gun registry.
b) cigarette manufacturers supporting higher taxes on a pack of smokes.
c) nuclear plant owners supporting increased funding for research on solar power.
5) Which of the following cultural phenomena was the first to become dead annoying?
a) My Big Fat Ethnic Anything
b) This [Time Period] Has [Another Time Period]
c) Paul Martin’s hair
d) other
6) How can Air Canada Chief Executive Robert Milton justify a $21 million bonus when his insolvent airline demanded economic concessions from its unionized staff?
a) he’s trying to give new meaning to the term “flying high”
b) when you’re making over $21 million, you don’t have to justify yourself to anybody, buster!
c) some people are born without the gene for shame
7) Which of the following distinguishes Conservative Party leadership hopeful Belinda Stronach from American President George W. Bush?
a) succeeded in business through family connections
b) looks good in a suit
c) can be controlled by backroom party hacks
d) swept to office with the help of a compliant media
e) had an undistinguished university education
f) sounds best when reading from a carefully written script
8) The Ontario Progressive Conservative Party is considering changing its name. What would be the most appropriate new name for it?
a) the Mike and Ernie’s Folly Party
b) the Happening Young People Who Have Nothing To Do With Racists, Anti-feminists Or Other Boring Fogies Party
c) the Innate Spoons and Personifications Party
d) other
9) What good will come of a public inquiry into the Maher Arar fiasco?
a) several otherwise undistinguished Liberal Party hacks will be employed for a few months
b) every aspect of the life of the Canadian citizen of Arab descent will be subjected to intense public scrutiny, putting his year of torture in Syria into a new perspective
c) the Canadian people will go to bed at night safe in the knowledge that something appeared to be done about the whole sordid affair
10) What’s the difference between the Golden Globes and the Oscars?
a) the Oscars are a celebration of all that is good and right with American film, while the Golden Globes are just a crass commercial come-on
b) the Golden Globes are a celebration of all that is good and right with American film, while the Oscars are just a crass commercial come-on
c) how much Nicole Kidman’s ego is stroked
d) it doesn’t matter – if you don’t vote (for either), you don’t have a right to complain about the results
11) What’s the difference between ordinary drug dealers and the six Toronto police officers who have been charged with (and perhaps 11 more who are suspected of) beating and extorting money from them?
a) the police officers have a union
b) the Toronto Sun does not support ordinary drug dealers
c) the guns of the police officers weren’t smuggled into the country from the United States
d) other
12) The final note of the Beatles’ “A Day In the Life” was made by 13 pianos. Thirteen. Did they really need 13? Wouldn’t it have been just as impressive with 12? Would it have been more impressive with 14? I mean, did it really have to be 13 pianos?
a) yes
b) no
c) you, uhh, really have a lot of time on your hands, don’t you? Have you ever considered getting a hobby?
13) What is the main advantage of allowing Canadian law firms to incorporate and sell stock to the public?
a) lawyers will get firsthand knowledge of the kind of corporate self-dealing that has damaged so many public firms, making it easier for them to defend corrupt direct – uhh…maybe this isn’t as much of an advantage as it at first appeared
b) if you can’t get a lawyer to return your call as a client, you might have better luck as a shareholder
c) think Street Legal meets Traders – and the beauty part is that Sonja Smits was in both!
14) What population has declined from as many as 10,000 in the 1940s to 430 today?
a) the whooping crane
b) the whooping cough
c) the woop-te-doo
15) What does the new Latin phrase pastillum botello fartum mean?
a) chili dog
b) the past through a glass fartly
c) I’m sorry, but that’s just plain rude
16) Who was Matthew “Meat” Cleaver?
a) the black sheep of Ward’s family
b) a goon on the Moosejaw Bohunks (from 1983 to 1987) of the IHL (Imaginary Hockey League)
c) the 18th century British Parliamentarian who perfected the art of ruthlessly cutting funding to social programmes
17) You have just read that making your four to six year-old child listen to the Dead Kennedys for at least two hours a day will stimulate important centres in his or her brain. As a responsible parent, what do you do?
a) cancel the subscription to the publication you read it in
b) start playing the music…right after you slit your wrists
c) get out your Jello Biafra black light posters and groove on, man
18) Which of the following do you think is the worst product endorsement tie-in?
a) MacDonald’s and Peyton Funeral Homes
b) Bell GlobeMedia and Canadian Steamship Lines
c) Hasbro and Playboy Enterprises
d) Hollinger International and just about anything right now
19) He lied about weapons of mass destruction. He lied about links to Al Qaeda. He has stonewalled an investigation into the Saudi Arabian link to 9/11 (not to mention its business connections to his family). And, nobody seems to care. What, exactly, does President George W. Bush have to do to get in trouble?
a) kill Bambi’s mother
b) run over an endangered species in a gas guzzling vehicle while smoking a joint on the way to attend a gay marriage
c) brag about the war being ov – no, he did that. Uhh, dare terrorists to come after American troo – no, he did that, too. Wait, wait, I know there’s an answer here somewhere…
d) other
20) According to the “DOCTRINAL NOTE on some questions regarding The Participation of Catholics in Political Life,” Catholic politicians must not waver from stated Church doctrine, at the risk of losing their right to fully participate in Church life. How can the Catholic Church insist upon this?
a) Cardinal Ratzinger must have forgotten to take his Valium the day the doctrinal note was written
b) the Church is obviously unconcerned about all those people leaving it (especially priests – perhaps the Pope has a plan to begin ordaining fetuses)
c) by invoking the “You’re Not One Of Us, Naah Naah” rule
d) religious other