1) Mitt Romney’s campaign says that the Republican Presidential candidate is not opposed to regulation of Wall Street, but that “our regulation should be effective, it should be streamlined. It should not be cumbersome and it should not act as a wet blanket or a damper on the economy.” What kind of regulations would satisfy Romney?
a) the kind written in a dead language that nobody knows how to read
b) the kind written in invisible ink
c) give the guy a little credit, okay? He wants serious regulations that are written in stone…on a planet in the Tau Ceti system
2) What will your retirement look like?
a) something Cubist
b) Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”
c) not a Thomas Kinkade painting, you can bet your behind on that!
3) Which of the following responses in a discussion forum is from a troll?
a) thank you for that interesting point of view. I will have to think carefully about what you wrote before I can adequately respond
b) I still believe that you are wrong, but I think this is a point on which reasonable people can agree to disagree
c) EAT WHITE HOT SHIT YOU COMMIE PINKO FAGGOT OVENDODGING BASTARD!
4) He authorized the killing of Osama bin Laden and bailing out the banks. So, why is gay marriage President Obama’s biggest issue?
a) Osama bin Laden? Oh, please! He’s so 2001! Anybody who is serious about fighting terrorism knows that Adnan Gulshair el Shukrijumah is where the real action’s at!
b) bailing out the banks? Oh, please! Did you see what Barclay’s Bank did? Yeah, I don’t understand it, either. And, it is a British bank, so it wouldn’t have gotten any American bailout money. Still, it goes to show that THE BANKS CANNOT BE TRUSTED, THE UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS! AND, BAILING THEM OUT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR THE PRESIDENT?
c) he has seen how hapless Mitt Romney is, and, out of pity, decided to throw the Republican candidate a bone for his rabid base
5) Considering how many millions of dollars America’s wealthiest citizens spend to get the politicians they want elected and the laws they want passed, wouldn’t it be cheaper for them to just pay their fair share of taxes?
a) yes
b) no
c) it’s the principle of the thing
6) Which principle is that?
a) the Peter (Venkman) Principle
b) the “I Don’t Want My Money To Get Into The Grubby Hands Of the Ungrateful Masses Who Will Just Spend It On Frivolities Like Food and Shelter Instead of On Important Things Like German Marble or British Opera, And I’ll Spend Whatever It Takes to See That This Unfortunate State of Affairs Never Happens!” Principle
c) Principle Otis Skinner
7) First, Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney traveled with the family dog in a cage strapped to the top of their car. Now, Conservative British Prime Minister David Cameron and his wife left their eight year-old daughter in a pub. We like to think of ourselves as a world class country – why hasn’t there been a comparable event in Canada?
a) Stephen Harper wouldn’t let kittens out of his sight – he always keeps them close to hand in case he feels like having a snack
b) there was the incident with Jack Layton involving the 400 year-old turtle, the crate of Turtle Wax and the chorus of Waiting for Godot, but will the Liberal media ever report on that? Nooooooooooo!
c) we had Jean Chretien strangling a protester – imagine it was cocker spaniel puppy in his hands instead of a human being and it’s kind of the same
8) Who or what is an “ovendodger?”
a) somebody who hates cooking, and weasels out of it every chance they get
b) somebody who is really good at playing the computer game Mitch Magumbo IV: Not Getting Hit by Falling Appliances
c) not somebody who is Jewish, because YOU’D HAVE TO BE A SICK FUCK TO MAKE THAT KIND OF CASUALLY DISRESPECTFUL REFERENCE TO THE HOLOCAUST!
9) How does your body type affect your dating life?
a) I’m just a Times Roman gal in a Helvetica world
b) I’m drawn to women with big serifs, if you know what I mean
c) my body type has given my dating life a full stop 🙁
10) A bill that would help homeowners whose houses are destroyed by floods is currently making its way through Congress. Senator Rand Paul has offered an amendment to it that would define when life begins. What does an anti-abortion amendment have to do with a flood insurance bill?
a) obviously, if somebody isn’t born, they won’t be eligible for relief when their home is flooded
b) obviously, Paul is an alien from a dimension where abortions cause flooding
c) obviously, Paul has been taken over by aliens, because a true Libertarian would actually believe that governments should not be interfering in a woman’s choice of what to do with her own body
11) Why do good things happen to bad people?
a) because Senator Rand Paul will do whatever it takes to derail Democratic legislation (sorry for the delayed response to the previous question)
b) because peels need to have a purpose after you’ve eaten the banana
c) because if they didn’t, we wouldn’t have blues music, and the world would be a sadder, darker place
12) A proposal before Toronto city council would spend $30 billion over 30 years to completely remake public transit. Some of this would be paid for by raising residential taxes, which Councillor Doug “Cheney” Ford claims is a “tax grab.” How would Ford suggest improvements to public transit be paid for?
a) infrastructure fairy dust
b) involuntary blood donations from people who live in the 4-1-6
c) corporations would pay for the naming rights…of transit riders
d) improvements to public transit have to be paid for?
13) Sixty-five per cent of respondents to a survey said President Obama would be better suited for handling an alien invasion than Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. But, of course, this is a highly unlikely hypothetical situation. What is a more apt test of their respective presidential strengths?
a) Romney would be better to lead the Fellowship of the Ring, because Obama would be too likely to try to reach a compromise with Sauron
b) Obama would be better suited to fend off an invasion of the demons of Hell, because Romney would likely try to offshore jobs there
c) both would likely be killed in the first wave of a robopocalypse, so that’s a bit of a wash, really…
14) Ontario Conservative party leader Tim Hudak, who never met an issue he couldn’t find the wrong side of, has said that his plans to make the province a “right to work” area by gutting the right of unions to organize and represent working people, is a matter of “choice.” What choice would that be?
a) the choice to see wages fall to China-like levels
b) the choice to have your contractual benefits arbitrarily cut off
c) the choice to pander to anti-union business leaders (what? You thought it was about giving you a choice?)
15) What is “Ferberizing?”
a) storytelling so boring, it will put your child to sleep at night
b) the better known counterpart of “Phineasization”
c) the innovative process of resoling shoes created by Edmundo “Big Left Big Toe” Ferberspiel
16) What was the passion of the Christ?
a) gardening
b) lawn darts
c) redeeming humanity’s sins through his painful death and resurrection
d) collecting stamps
17) A brilliant disc of warm dusty material that had been glowing around the young star TYC 8241 2652 for over 25 years has disappeared. What happened to it?
a) it wasn’t ready for the commitment of becoming a planet, so it fled to Europe to find itself
b) it got sucked into the Hoover 8243 2654 constellation; it should appear again when the dust bag goes nova
c) it went on vacation and forgot to leave a forwarding address
d) other
18) What is “humanitarian imperialism?”
a) foreign powers creating refugees by bombing their villages instead of allowing their own government to create refugees by bombing their villages
b) New Age imperialism with the age old consequences
c) an idea Bill Clinton pushed after he inhaled
19) How has science fiction changed your life?
a) after reading Foundation, I no longer shave the right side of my face
b) Blade Runner isn’t just a movie – it’s a way of existing in the world
c) Arthur C. Clarke posited satellites in geosynchronous orbit, which led to our current communications system. On the other hand, I still don’t have a jetpack. So, it’s a bit of a wash, really…
20) Toronto is the eighth most liveable city in the world. What did we do wrong?
a) we elected a canoe-head as mayor
b) we didn’t festoon the G20 fence with roses and daffydills
c) we encouraged an unsustainable condo boom that – oh, wait – it won’t collapse for another year or two. Still, that will be plenty of time to torpedo a future liveability rating
d) other