1) Republicans are putting much more energy in keeping masks out of schools than guns. Why would they do this?
a) the NMA (National Masquerade Association) isn’t really a thing, so it can’t compete with the NRA
b) they believe that schools should teach children how to live in the real world…of the 1860s
c) masks are scary because you never know who is wearing them, but you always know who is holding a gun on you, which Republicans find very reassuring for some reason
2) Conservative ads feature party leader Erin O’Toole saying, “Take Canada back.” Who does he think we should take Canada back from?
a) Indigenous people who for reasons that he finds inexplicable, think it belongs to them
b) radical commie socialist scum who are ruining people’s lives by forcing them to accept government programmes designed to help them afford food and shelter
c) raccoons
3) A professor at Western Huron College refused to get vaccinated, stating: “I will not submit to having an experimental vaccine injected into my body.” What is Lucretia Pelon teaching her students?
a) it’s okay to refuse to eat your vegetables, as long as you argue that it’s your body and you have the right to decide what to put into it
b) flu shots are for suckers
c) not to trust teachers at Western Huron College
4) What is title 42?
a) the name of Douglas Adams’ biography
b) the name of the book Dostoevsky used before his publisher finally came up with Crime and Punishment (some day, we may discover what the other 41 titles were…)
c) the belief that CEOs have earned that many thousand times the income of the company’s junior employees (or, is that entitlement 42?)
5) According to a news article, advocates for the reform of LTC homes want changes that would allow staff to focus on the needs of residents. What does LTC staff currently focus on?
a) Instagram videos about people who have taken Ivermectin to keep them safe from – keep them safe from – keep them sa – excuse them while they run to the bathroom
b) offensive Reddit discussion groups about how Jews are keeping the truth about Ivemectin’s efficacy against COVID-19 away from the public, not to mention the keys to the bathroom
c) lunch
6) What is the other red meat?
a) gay rights (but after abortion is outlawed, expect it to appear on the Supreme Court’s menu)
b) statues’ rights (states’ rights are the favourite item on the menu, but white heritage makes a tasty alternative)
c) Anthony Fauci
7) There is a Facebook group called Ontario Businesses Against Health Pass. Was this group set up to support or condemn the province’s vaccine passport system?
a) support: nobody should get a pass on doing the right thing by getting vaccinated against a highly infectious, deadly disease
b) condemn: nobody should be forced against their will to do the right thing by getting vaccinated against a highly infectious, deadly disease
c) hard to tell: on the one hand, they hate anybody telling them how to exploit their workers; on the other hand, they love Conservative governments because they don’t interfere with businesses exploiting their workers. Obviously, Ontario Businesses Against Health Pass is conflicted…
8) What makes Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell look like a turtle doing its best impression of a cat that just swallowed a canary?
a) a fight over the debt ceiling
b) a fight over ratification of an international agreement that would set a minimum corporate tax
c) a fight over whether today is really Tuesday and the sky is really blue
9) Toronto has used police to move homeless people living in tents out of public parks at a cost of $2 million, approximately $33,000 per person. What could that money have been better spent on?
a) champagne dinners for each homeless person for the next three months
b) champagne dinners for each member of City Council for the next month and a half
c) just about anything else, really
10) Without any realistic alternative, the people who were hustled out of the parks just moved to other parks. What was the ultimate point of this exercise?
a) puh-leaze! The city’s billion dollar annual police budget won’t spend itself!
b) to help honest, hard-working citizens who live near the parks lessen their angst over the invasion of homeless people by making them take turns sharing it
c) to make the RCMP look better by comparison
11) Toronto Police are parking their cars in front of 52 Division on a plaza that was meant to be a public space. They say that they have chosen the “least intrusive” solution to their parking problem. What was the most intrusive solution they considered?
a) parking their cruisers on top of the tents of homeless people they were “evicting” from public parks
b) parking their cars in the driveways of Defund the Police supporters
c) parking their cars on Defund the Police supporters
12) What would Canada look like without equalization payments?
a) France without generous holidays and parental leave
b) England without the Belfast Agreement
c) Iran without the theocracy
13) Colin Powell, the former general who died recently, admitted that he had regrets about the mistakes he had made in his life. What was his biggest regret?
a) that he lov’d war not wisely, but too well
b) that he went to the United Nations and lied about Iraq’s non-existent weapons of mass destruction; if he had to do it all over again, he would have sent a card
c) not asking Beckie-Jo Sperberfield to the junior prom
14) Over 50 staff members of the Toronto District School Board have called the police over mandatory mask mandates. What did they think the police were going to do?
a) charge school principles with fashion crimes
b) lecture students on the importance of obeying the law (the police break it enough for the entire population, and much of Alberta)
c) let the school staff breath on them as a gesture of union solidarity
15) People are asking for “creed exemptions” to vaccine mandates. What creed would that be?
a) do unto others before they do unto you
b) god will look after us; heathens are on their own
c) Apollo
16) Why is the Republican National Committee paying the legal fees for Donald Trump’s defence against investigations about his finances before he become president?
a) he asked nicely
b) he demanded belligerently
c) if it didn’t, his base might get angry, and they really wouldn’t like his base when it gets
angry!
17) Which of the following conspiracy theories makes the least amount of sense?
a) COVID vaccines will cause a worldwide recession because health care staff will no longer be needed and be laid off.
b) COVID vaccines will cause a worldwide recession because people will start using cars to travel again, and traffic accident fatalities will rise.
c) COVID is just a bad cold; governments are exaggerating its seriousness to justify spending money on cheesy ads promoting vaccines. How bad could they be? They could make Ron Popeil turn away in embarrassment
d) all of the above
18) What is the difference between the Heritage Foundation and the Heritage Front?
a) one works behind the scenes to undermine America’s democratic system, the other openly works to undermine America’s democratic system
b) one thinks that only men with blond hair and blue eyes can be true patriots, the other is willing to allow that maybe people with black hair and brown eyes can be true patriots, as long as they’re men
c) the difference between arsenic and hemlock
19) Why does Corey Hart wear his sunglasses at night?
a) so he can watch you weave, then breathe your story lines
b) so he can forget his name while you collect your claim
c) he’s too cool for Yule school (or shul, that fool)
d) all of the above
20) Marjorie Taylor Greene has suggested that Kyle Rittenhouse be awarded a Congressional Gold medal. What did he do to deserve such an honour?
a) kept his country together as they fought European fascism
b) designed, manufactured and flew the first airplane
c) spent 27 years in prison fighting an apartheid system in his country that eventually he helped dismantle
d) none of the above – saaaay, why did Taylor Greene recommend Rittenhouse be awarded a Congressional Gold Medal?
i) to further ingratiate herself with her racist base
ii) to further ingratiate herself with her racist boss
iii) to pwn the libs, pwn them into the ground!
iv) all of the above