1) Right wing commentators are lamenting the fact that the US government has bought a controlling interest in General Motors, claiming that business always makes better decisions that government. Really? How could government control possibly make GM worse?
a) insisting that every GM car be made with octagonal tires
b) mandating that every GM car be run on Cheese Whiz
c) putting Dick Cheney in charge of customer relations
2) Prime Minister Stephen Harper has threatened that if Michael Ignatieff tries to force a summer election, he will release old tapes that will embarrass the Liberal leader. Oooh! What could possibly be on those tapes?
a) a sexy orgy…with his wife!
b) Ignatieff admitting that he liked “The Star Spangled Banner” more than “O Canada”
c) Ignatieff giving a six hour, 12 minute lecture explaining his position on torture
3) According to some estimates as many 119 million Americans are ready to dump their private insurance plans and jump to something more like Medicare. According to Congressional Republicans, this is proof that they shouldn’t be allowed to have the option. How Alice in Wonderland is this position?
a) Cheshire cat disappearing into his own smile Alice in Wonderland
b) Mad Hatter having fun at the tea party Alice in Wonderland
c) hookah smoking caterpillar doing anything Alice in Wonderland
4) What is the difference between a Democratic filibuster of a Supreme Court nominee and a Republican filibuster of a Supreme Court nominee?
a) a smile, two fangs, and an “Excuse me”
b) Democrats will usually only be accused of thinking about the possibility of maybe some time down the road doing a filibuster; the Republicans will start filibustering before the nominees name has even been announced
c) where you place your index finger
5) Why do Republicans hate empathy?
a) they were inoculated against it when very small
b) they believe that only psychics have empathy, and they live in dread of anybody reading their minds
c) it’s part of the larger war on nouns
6) President Obama signed legislation forming the Ronald Reagan Centennial Commission Act, an 11-person panel that will decide on the activities used to celebrate the late President Ronald Reagan’s 100th birthday. How do you plan on celebrating the centennial?
a) by having an abortion
b) by invading a left-wing Latin American country
c) by confusing his presidency with a movie in which he played a character that wanted to be president
7) In an effort to save fuel during the recession, Northwest Airlines has excluded spoons from its in-flight cutlery package if the meal doesn’t require them and JAL has shaved a fraction of a centimeter off all its cutlery. What other measures could airlines take?
a) require all flight crew to not wear underwear
b) make the drop down oxygen masks out of Cheese Whiz
c) refuse to show the film Heavy Metal in-flight
8) Can non-violent protests be memorable?
a) I forget
b) maybe. It depends on…what was the question, again?
c) if you have to ask, you can’t afford I – what?
9) The Prime Minister has reacted to the shut down of the Canadian Chalk River nuclear research reactor that supplies a majority of the radioactive isotopes needed for medical tests in North America by saying that everybody should remain calm because it isn’t the end of the world. When the same thing happened in 2007, the Prime Minister responded with calls for panic because it was the end of the world. What happened?
a) it’s an older, wiser Stephen Harper who approached the current situation (TRANSLATION: he’s decided that he doesn’t need the support of foreign doctors to win the next election)
b) Stephen Harper can only deal with one crisis at a time, and the one he is currently dealing with is Michael Ignatieff
c) Cheese Whiz
10) The next time you’re diagnosed with terminal cancer, which of the following cliches will give you the most comfort?
a) when one door closes, another one opens
b) when life hands you lemons, make lemonade
c) every cloud has a silver lining
d) if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again
e) the shiniest rock sticks to the sharpest surfaces
f) other
11) The headline on the government ads claims: “Canada’s Economic Action Plan: 80% Already Underway.” The NDP, on the other hand, claims that most of the money dedicated to economic development has yet to be spent. For example, only $1.9 has been spent of the $622 million promised for the Toronto subway extension, while just $5 million of the promised $100 million expansion of the Trans-Canada Highway near Banff has been spent. In what universe can both of these propositions be true?
a) in a universe where the speed of light is not absolute
b) in a universe where Jon and Kate don’t get any attention
c) in a universe where the Prime Minister feels physically ill every time his government spends a dollar, so he clutches each and every one of them to his bosom for as long as he can
12) Which of the following cannot be ascribed to “the Obama effect?”
a) the fact that the moon looks larger on the horizon than it does higher up in the sky
b) the hormones that start coursing through your body when you see somebody you find attractive
c) the way Napoleon was routed at Waterloo
d) a and b
e) a and c
f) q and a
g) b my baby or c you later
h) Sacco and Vanzetti
13) The stress tests of 19 of America’s largest bank holding companies involved an imagined scenario of stagnant growth, falling real estate prices, and an average unemployment rate of 8.9 per cent. How could the government have made it more complicated?
a) bankers would have to do it all…in Esperanto!
b) by throwing health care reform into the mix
c) by taking into account the salaries of the banks’ senior management
14) How could the government have made it more realistic?
a) well, nobody was buying the happy ending…
b) by including those who have given up looking for work in the unemployment rate (just like god meant it to be)
c) by taking into account the salaries of the banks’ senior management
15) Why didn’t the government just look at the balance sheets of the banks to determine if they had enough assets to cover their debts (aka: if they were solvent)?
a) you know the sound an object makes when it succumbs to gravity and disappears beyond the event horizon of a black hole? Well, in a worldwide economic collapse, nobody can hear you scream
b) stress tests cause less stress
c) because hundreds of billions of dollars in bailout money only gets you a peek at the covering sheet – if you want to see the whole ledger, you have to pony up real money!
16) Sandra Bullock insists that her new film, The Proposal, is not a romantic comedy. What is it, then?
a) a slice of apple strudel with butterscotch ice cream and sprinkles
b) a fast ticket on a slow boat to China (and sprinkles)
c) Annie Sprinkle(s)
17) Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has seemingly agreed to a two state solution to the Palestinian question. Which of the following conditions that he has put on the two state solution make you most question his commitment to it?
a) that Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas must dance the hora in a tutu by the Wailing Wall every Sunday from 2am to 5pm
b) that Hamas adopt Radio head’s “Creep” or Beck’s “Loser’ as its anthem
c) that settlements in the Occupied Territories be expanded…to Italy!
18) Canada has secretly been giving weapons to civilians who were hired as security guards at a forward operating base in Afghanistan. What could possibly go wrong?
a) the guns could be used as planters instead
b) the Afghanis could start killing each other to settle old family scores instead of killing each other to solve our current political problems
c) why…nothing…nothing could possibly go wrong. Why…do you ask?
19) Conservative Transport Minister John Baird, asked about the city’s request for infrastructure funding, said that Toronto “should fuck off.” Most of Canada was indifferent to, if not supportive of the statement. What would most likely have happened if he had said this about another Canadian city?
a) if Baird had told Calgary to fuck off, old Reform Party hacks would have had Stephen Harper fire him and fly him out to Syria, from which he would never be allowed back into the country
b) if Baird had told Montreal to fuck off, they would have shrugged and made a dozen movies on the subject of Quebec’s oppression by Ottawa
c) if Baird had told Moosejaw to fuck off, he would have beemn buried underneath a ton of snowballs
20) Why is there something rather than nothing?
a) nothing was getting lonely
b) something was getting bored
c) you have too much time on your hands