Let’s say you read 50 pages an hour, and that you can read for eight hours a day. (Maybe you make your living as a book critic or someth – look, it’s just a hypothetical argument. Follow it until you get to the point, will ya?) In a typical week, you would read 2800 pages, or, at an average of 200 pages per, 14 books. In a year, you would be able to read 728 books. Not bad. Except that, in that same year, over 100,000 books will be published.
The amount of knowledge you have can be displayed as a simple equation: k/p, where k is the amount of knowledge you accumulate and p is the amount of knowledge humanity accumulates (which is, let us say for the sake of argument, the amount that is published). Since k increases at a much slower rate than p, the absolute amount of what you know is continually getting smaller, approaching zero.
As a famous philosopher once said: “Nobody knows nuttin.” And, now, we have the mathematics to back him up.
Here at Les Pages aux Folles, we take our ignorance seriously. In fact, the following quiz contains no new information; it is the intellectual equivalent of empty calories. By not offering new information, we feel we are not adding to your ignorance in any significant way.
As always, if, after answering the questions, you feel the urge to send a completed quiz back to us, don’t do it! You’ll just force us to get out our calculators to do the math for you again.
1) A recent article written by Bruce Springsteen identifies him as “an American rock musician.” Bruce Springsteen is an American rock musician? That’s like saying that…
a) the Grand Canyon is a hole in the ground.
b) Albert Einstein knew some math.
c) the surface of the sun is warm.
2) Why is the Canadian government not doing more to protest the fact that Israeli spies in New Zealand appear to have been travelling under Canadian passports?
a) if it did, the Canadian Jewish Congress would get all pouty, and nobody wants that
b) the Canadian government spent all night with Alison Garant – made it all the way to second base! – and now just wants to get some rest
c) it’s putting all of its energy into convincing Iran to get serious about finding the killer of journalist Zahra Khazemi
3) An advertisement for a course in advertising writing says “Writing is not about language. It’s about ideas and thoughts.” What do you think?
a) what did Hemingway know, anyway?
b) what I think would get me arrested in 40 states, 8 provinces and Yemen – are you sure you really want me to tell you?
c) that explains a lot about advertising – think I’ll find myself a career in cattle parts rendering instead
4) The new slogan of the George W. Bush’s Republican Party is “Results Matter.” To what could this possibly be referring?
a) capturing Osama bin Laden in the war on terror
b) creating hundreds of thousands of new jobs through tax cuts
c) Florida’s role in electing the President, of course
5) Cardinal Bernard Law, who was forced to resign as archbishop of Boston because of the way he shuffled priests who had been accused of abusing parishioners to different parishes, held his first public mass in Rome’s Basilica of St. Mary Major. What is a reasonable person to make of this?
a) Law has yet to reach his level of incompetence
b) not much – I’ve never liked basilica in my food
c) good, lord – evil is fractal!
6) New York transit officials are considering selling “naming rights” to the city’s subway lines, bus routes, tunnels, stations and bridges to corporations. How would this work if Toronto tried it?
a) the York University Rocket would be renamed the Molson Beer Run
b) Union Station would be renamed Kaopectate Central
c) Yorkdale Station would be renamed…well…Yorkdale
7) Why did you line up for hours to have Bill Clinton sign his autobiography when he was in Toronto?
a) I thought the line-up was for the Tilt-A-Whirl – man, I would wait hours for that ride!
b) oh, I would be his intern in a second, if only he would ask me!
c) Heather Reisman is a pretty persuasive babe, and if she recommended I jump off the CN Tower, well, that’d be good enough for me!
8) How do you feel about physicist Stephen Hawking’s announcement that he was wrong, and he now believes that some information actually does escape from black holes?
a) I’ll never trust him with the rent money again!
b) he should be made to give Isaac Newton’s chair as the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge back. I mean, I never did understand why he needed it – he always sat in his wheelchair. Isn’t it time he gave somebody else a chance to sit down?
c) like, if he can’t figure out a simple thing like a black hole, how am I supposed to, like, figure out my boyfriend!
d) other
9) What is the difference between John Kerry’s intentions for Iraq and President George W. Bush’s intentions for Iraq?
a)
b)
c)
10) What is the difference between interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi’s government and that of Saddam Hussein?
a) Allawi’s list of political dissidents who must be detained is still approved by the United States, whereas Hussein’s list of political dissidents who must be detained wasn’t approved by the United States…well, not after 1990, anyway…
b) when Allawi shuts down a media outlet, he furthers the cause of democracy
c) Hussein didn’t pretend to be a democrat when he announced that elections would be postponed for a while
11) Why do people say somebody is wise as an owl?
a) because wise as a mongoose just doesn’t cut it
b) because perspicacious as an owl doesn’t trip as easily off the tongue
c) don’t have a clue, but, then again, nobody ever compared me to a nocturnal, rat eating predator
12) When Howard Dean suggested that President Bush’s post-9/11 policies on terrorism hadn’t made Americans safer, he was vilified by the press and Republicans. Yet, terrorist attacks on Americans have increased since 9/11. When Howard Dean suggested that the timing of the latest “orange alert” (the end of the Democratic National Convention) was suspect, he was vilified by the press, Republicans and senior members of his own party. Yet, soon after it was revealed that there was no serious new information behind the alert. What does this say about Howard Dean?
a) he’s a complete loon
b) he’s nuttier than a fruitcake
c) he should have been born a girl so that he could have been named Cassandra
13) Why did Peel Regional Police Chief Noel Catney hold up a picture of a suspect in the murder of Cecilia Zhang during a press conference and say, “This is not just a murderer. This is the most despicable of criminals. This is a child murderer”?
a) knowing how restrained budgets are these days, he was trying to save the city the cost of a trial
b) he’s never seen an episode of Law and Order (especially the part in the beginning where the gloomy announcer talks about the “two separate yet equally important groups:” police and prosecuting attorneys)
c) he was flustered by all the cameras (you know how easily police chiefs can get flustered…)
14) This year’s American deficit is projected to be $445 billion, less than the expected $521 billion. How should we celebrate?
a) Mercedes for everybody in Treasury!
b) it’ll take the country so long to pay off this debt that those welfare queens will never again eat at the public trough!
c) uhh, am I missing something? Because, frankly, a $445 billion deficit doesn’t sound like something worth celebrating to me…
15) When does respect for the potential life of a fetus turn into contempt for actually living human beings?
a) when stem cell research could help people with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s diseases
b) when the life of the mother is threatened
c) when you shoot a doctor who performs abortions
16) What does the anniversary of the blackout mean to you?
a) nothing much – after my doctor put me on this new medicine, I black out all the time
b) my kid’s about to celebrate his three month birthday
c) I would turn off all my appliances for two minutes in remembrance, but it would take me more than two minutes just to get to every room in the house to turn off all the appliances
17) According to Vice President Dick “Chameleon” Cheney (who blends into the background any time a reporter walks into the room), John Kerry is the most liberal member of the Senate, while John Edwards is number four. What does this mean?
a) Edwards is going to have to kill a lot more unborn babies if he wants to catch up
b) Fox reporters have their talking points for another week
c) this means “bestowed in a large way or more than sufficient”…no, wait, maybe it “means befitting a freeman or gentleman” – no, that doesn’t make sense either – how about “generous, bounteous or open-handed” – gee, I know Cheney was trying to be insulting, but that sounds pretty good, actually…
18) William (Captain Kirk, T. J. Hooker, parody of himself) Shatner is planning on releasing another album of rock songs, including Pulp’s “Common People.” What does this tell us?
a) world…going…down…in hail of…bombast!
b) I think that god has a sick sense of humour, and when I die, I expect to find him laughing (oh, god, don’t tell me Shatner is going to cover that song, too!)
c) they killed the wrong Star Trek regular
19) Who said, “Say a lie five times and it will become the truth”?
a) Josef Goebbels
b) Karl Rove
c) Minnie Mouse
20) Food and Drug Administration commissioner Lester Crawford suggested that terrorists could launch an attack on the US using drugs bought through online pharmacies in Canada. That’s not bad, but are there more ridiculous domestic policies that could be irrationally linked to terrorism?
a) sure! If tax cuts for the wealthy aren’t made permanent, the terrorists will have won!
b) absolutely! If Roe vs. Wade isn’t overturned, abortions will ensure that there will be fewer Americans to fight against terrorism
c) you bet! If my district isn’t gerrymandered in a way that ensures my victory, my soft on terrorism opponent will win!
d) other (like that’s not enough?)