1) Hey! How come the people who are upset about the so-called “deep state” support a President who wants to turn an independent law enforcement system into his own personal police force? Don’t they see a contradiction there? Hunh? Even a little bit of one?
a) they support the “shallow state”
b) they confuse “deep state” government with “deep dish” pizza, and they are hungry, oh, so very hungry
c) they believe everything that Sean “See No Contradictions” Hannity, Tucker “Hear No Contradictions” Carlson and Steve “Speak No Contradictions” Doocy say, so, no
2) Who said, “They do not fight directly, but by stealth; they are not honourable, but unprincipled; they are not national, but international; they do not believe in work, but speculate with money; they have no homeland, but feel that the whole world is theirs. They are not generous, but vengeful, and always attack at the heart…?” Who or what was he referring to?
a) Hungarian President Viktor Orban
b) Karl Marx
c) Mister Spock
i) Czechoslovakian washing machines
ii) tribbles
iii) vegetarians
3) What is the name of the Trump government’s policy of separating children from their parents when they cross into the country without documentation?
a) Zero Empathy
b) Zero Humanity
c) Coke Zero Tolerance
4) In a heated exchange with a reporter, White House Spokesdaemon Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “Hey, Brian, I know you want to get some more TV time, but that’s not what this is about.” What, exactly, was that about?
a) getting more TV time for White House Spokesdaemon Sarah Huckabee Sanders
b) going on the offensive in order to avoid whatever that was, exactly, about
c) Czechoslovakian washing machines
5) Against recent historical practice, Doug Ford’s Ontario government will not be making mandate letters to cabinet ministers public. What is the principle behind this move?
a) what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas
b) the first rule of Fight Club is: you don’t talk about Fight Club
c) there is principle behind anything Doug Ford’s Ontario government does?
6) Flaming condoms are in the news. Why?
a) the band is planning a reunion tour
b) Palestinians float them over the border to attack Israeli farms
c) the way people get sexual pleasure is a constant source of fascination for journalists
7) According to Homeland Security head Kirstjen Nielsen, the American mid-term elections are safe from Russian meddling. How did the department accomplish this?
a) President Trump asked Russian President Vladimir Putin to stop interfering in American elections, and Putin laughed in agreement. At least, we think his laughter signalled agreement…
b) Nielsen asked a 400 pound hacker living in his parent’s basement to counter the 400 pound hacker living in his parent’s basement in a country that was not Russia or China
c) Homeland Security consulted Sean “See No Meddling” Hannity, Tucker “Hear No Meddling” Carlson and Steve “Speak No Meddling” Doocy and was told that everything was cool, so everything is cool
8) Facebook lost $119 billion, the biggest single day stock devaluation in the history of stock devaluations. Where did the money go?
a) around the corner to the Keyne’s Alehouse and Apothacarie for a good, stiff drink – not to worry, though: it will be back just as soon as it finds its feet
b) an alternate universe where Mark Zuckerberg is a drug trafficker (well, a trafficker of a different kind of drug, in any case) – but not to worry: the TV series based on his life, Breaking Mud, will end badly
c) to the 400 pound hacker living in his parent’s basement that Homeland Security head Kirstjen Nielsen asked to protect America’s election system – ooh, he’s good!
9) How do I improve my balance?
a) ask for a raise
b) get an account at a new bank, get a credit card from it and just do what comes naturally
c) stay out of Czechoslovakian washing machines
10) The number of people who died in Puerto Rico because of Hurricane Maria is officially 64. No, wait, that’s being updated…give us a second…it’s about to Holy Mother of Conflagration! The number of deaths now stands at 1,427! How did this happen‽
a) actually, the official death toll is 2,975 – please try and keep up!
b) oh, sorry
c) don’t worry about it – the Trump government refused to release the real number for almost a year – even now, the President is calling the number fake news
d) tough break for the people who were killed
e) even tougher for the families, who are being told by the leader of their country that their relatives didn’t actually die
f) oh, yeah, I can see tha – hey, umm, this is What the Heck Do You Know?, not Press the Meat. What was the question, again?
11) Facebook would like to work with banks on e-commerce transactions on its apps, such as Messenger, which would require the banks to share some information with the tech giant. What could possibly go wrong?
a) oh. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t, actually, the question, but…umm…customers of the bank could find their transactions featured on America’s Funniest Personal Financial Disasters
b) nooooooooooo! You never ask that! People ask, “What could possibly go wrong?” before the zombies overwhelm the cabin and eat their brains! People ask, “What could possibly go wrong?” before the aliens blow up monuments from around the world and become our overlords! Actually, if you think about those outcomes, how bad can what Facebook wants beeeee….oh, I didn’t just ask that, did I? – dammit!
c) you know, if jokes about 400 pound hackers weren’t an insidious form of fat-shaming, I could probably milk that concept for one more punchline – dammit!
12) How did Donald Trump choose “Make America Great Again” as his slogan?
a) “Destroy Everything Democrats Have Ever Achieved and End Civil Society as We Know It” didn’t fit comfortably on a baseball cap
b) “Come to the dark side – we have cookies” was already a t-shirt
c) “Make Russia Great Again” made a less euphonious acronym
13) Climate change will push millions from their homes. Where will they go?
a) to Capistrano for the swallows
b) to Casablanca for the waters
c) we don’t care, as long as it’s not here
14) Shale drillers in the Permian Basin of Texas get rid of excess natural gas by burning it. They burn off about 3% of the gas they extract, worth roughly $1 million every day. Why don’t they slow down production so that they don’t waste as much?
a) no worries – it’s not like we’ll ever run out…
b) when the world is running down, you do your best to run it into the ground…I, uhh, may not be remembering the lyrics quite correctly, but I think I got the gist…
c) shale on them!
15) A woman left a loaded gun on a baby-changing table in a Salt Lake City aquarium. You read that right. She left a .380 calibre pistol on the folded-up table in a bathroom when she was distracted by her kids on the way out. But, that’s totally reasonable. It could happen to anybody, right? Right?
a) not me – whenever I’m in a Salt lake City aquarium, I carry an AR 15 – you have to be blind to leave that behind! …Which would make it harder to pass gun tests, if there were any…
b) me, neither – I’m constantly checking my holster to make sure my gun is still there! …I…I’m not obsessive, I’m just preternaturally preoccupied…
c) not me – I would never change my kid’s diaper! (Just, uhh, don’t ask about the incident in the Swedish sauna…)
16) The Doug Ford government of Ontario created an online “suggestion box.” What was the most colourful suggestion submitted in the three weeks that it was live?
a) go [EXPLETIVE DELETED] yourself with a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] garden gnome and a geriatric body stocking!
b) go [EXPLETIVE DELETED] poor people with a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] garden hose and a dozen Presidential paper clips!
c) cut taxes on the wealthy to stimulate campaign donations while passing anti-union legislation to ensure that corporate profits remain high, then go [EXPLETIVE DELETED] Liberals with a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] garden goose and a copy of The Fountainhead!
17) According to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, “He is not putting the country first, but putting his ego ahead of the will of the American people. The coward should do the right thing and resign.” Whom was she referring to?
a) Noel Coward
b) Noel Gallagher
c) The First Noel
18) What is “alternative milk?”
a) milk that relies heavily on synthesizers and limited emotional affect for its effect – no, wait, that’s alt rock
b) milk that adds open racism to its toxic mix of veneration for the wealthy, degradation of the environment and – no, wait, that’s alt right
c) milk that relies on unusual materials and gravity-defying angles to revolutionize the places in which we work and li – no, wait, that’s alt architecture
19) What is a “coooeration agreement?”
a) Rudy Juliani trying to discuss Paul Manafort’s plea deal without mentioning pee
b) it’s like a cooperation agreement, but without green places to park
c) one more reason, as if more reasons were necessary, to keep Trump administration officials off Twitter
20) A white police officer walked into her apartment to find a black man and, assuming that he was a thief, shot him dead. Only, it turns out that she had entered his apartment, which was one floor below hers. Oops. How can this be made right?
a) I’m sure that newly installed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh has some helpful ideas on this subject
b) a murder trial in which the white police officer is found guilty and sentenced to a lengthy prison term?
Ha ha – but, I kid…
c) give the dead man a Czechoslovakian washing machine as a dearly departing gift