1) The Harper Government of Canada is spending $22 million on a public relations campaign in the US, Europe and Asia on the subject of the Alberta tar sands, but don’t call it an advertising campaign. What is it?
a) a coordinated – hee hee – and multi – ha ha – multi-faceted – oho – response to engage business, policy and – and – and – ha ha ha, hee hee, ho ho – I’m sorry, I can’t say this with a straight face
b) a misfiring burrito at twenty paces in the light of dawn
c) late for dinner – but that’s okay because it can stand to lose a little weight
2) Digital discount broker E*Trade Financial Corporation has fired the baby that has represented it for the past six years. What will the E*Trade baby do now?
a) play the lead in an off-Broadway version of Hamlet in an attempt to be the next Gilbert Gottfried
cb) grow up and eventually
father a baby who will be a spokesperson for Jetson Jet Pack (our motto: “Anybody else’s jet packs will make you drop from 10,000 feet like a rock!”) – and the circle of corporate shilling will be complete
c) throw up its pureed caviar and carrots in disgust
3) Radio station “The Edge” now refers to itself as “Toronto’s alternative.” The alternative to what, exactly?
a) the alternative it used to be
b) the other current alternatives
c) a poke in the eye with a sharp radio format
d) other
4) How shameless do you have to be to campaign for re-election in front of a fire truck when your latest budget cuts funding for the fire department?
a) using the orphan gambit in a game of chess shameless
b) your picture accompanies the definition of chutzpah in the dictionary shameless
c) Toronto Mayor Rob Ford shameless
5) According to Section 34 (l) (f) of the Immigration and Refugee Protection Act, which of the following acts is considered grounds for deportation on the basis that it is terrorism?
a) signing an office get well card to somebody who designs anti-government posters
b) being Nelson Mandela
c) saying anything mean about oil
d) saying anything mean about the Harper Government of Canada’s non-advertising campaign advertising campaign about oil
e) all of the above (*SIGH*)
f) other
6) What does “bandyta” mean?
a) it is the Ukrainian word for “politician”
b) it is the French word for “social intercourse”
c) it is the Polish word for “tech support”
7) When is pomegranate juice not pomegranate juice?
a) when it is a post-steam, pre-fission disintegrated circuit
b) when major agrifood corporations think they can squeeze – ha ha – more profit out of pomegranate juice made with extract of snail droppings
c) when government regulators allow major agrifood corporations to label extract of gastropod droppings “pomegranate juice”
d) I’m going with answer a because anything else is just too depressing
8) In the wake of the American Supreme Court striking down net neutrality rules, the FCC is planning on taking another go at them. What new net neutrality rules is the FCC considering?
a) ComCast gets the same amount of bandwidth as 100,000,000 Americans – that’s even-handed, right?
b) ComCast gets the same amount of bandwidth as 200,000,000 Americans – because they invented the Internet, so they should be able to do with it whatever they want
c) ComCast gets the same amount of bandwidth as 300,000,000 Americans – because campaign contributions
9) Who said, “They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said, ‘No. No. No.'”?
a) Napoleon Bonaparte
b) Charles Manson
c) Marilyn Manson
d) Jeff Hanson
e) Jim Henson
f) Barbi Benton
g) Lamb Chop
h) (you were expecting a Rob Ford joke? Sorry – too easy)
10) Why does corporate Canada shun our soldiers?
a) how can a worker prove his loyalty to the company by losing a limb on an assembly line if he doesn’t have a full complement to begin with?
b) according to the fairy tales they grew up with, that’s what governments are for (in fact, it’s the only thing governments are for)
c) corporate leaders are not big on people who blindly follow the orders of their superiors
11) Peter Ustinov once described Toronto as “New York run by the Swiss.” If he wasn’t, you know, dead and stuff, how would he describe it now?
a) Paris run by Ukrainians
b) North Tonawanda run by Martians
c) Caras Galadhon run by Australians
12) What is the difference between a drawstring, a G string and superstrings?
a) you pull on a drawstring to reveal a G string while superstrings make matter in the universe cohere
b) drawstrings make the wearer vibrate, G strings make the viewer vibrate and superstrings make the universe vibrate
c) 27 Angstroms and an excuse me
d) other
13) Why does McDonald’s new mascot Happy look so demented?
a) he knows what went into making him
b) he’s drunk one too many McFlurries
c) if you had to share a locker with the Ham Burglar, you’d probably be somewhat miffed, too
14) What the [EXPLETIVE DEFEATED] is a polar vortex, anyway?
a) a local weather phenomenon that, after who knows how many millennia, decided it needed a vacation and traveled south, with devastating consequences
b) the angle you can calculate by squaring the length of the two opposite cold fronts
c) an alcoholic beverage served at the Climate Change Pub – one drink and you’ll wonder why your seat is so wet!
15) Former Prime Minister’s Office staffer Bruce Carson has been accused of using his contacts to lobby politicians after he left in contravention of the law. His lawyer has argued that he was not lobbying, “he was simply attempting to gather support for the creation of a national energy policy.” What is the difference between lobbying and gathering support?
a) lobbying is what former members of other parties’ governments do
b) gathering is such a nice word. You gather your friends and relatives around your hospital bed before you d – okay, perhaps not the best example. You…gather leaves as they fall from – well, no, that indicates winter is on the way, which makes it also not a very positive example. You, uhh, you gather intelligence from telecommunications companies to – okay, look. There’s nothing warm and fuzzy about hanging around in a cold, sterile lobby waiting to force yourself on somebody who would rather not talk to you, okay? Just take the government’s word for it: gathering is much more pleasant!
c) the quality of lawyers your efforts can help you afford
16) Let X = X. Then, what?
a) go home – that’s enough higher math for one afternoon
b) psssht ssshhh SSSSHHHH! – are you mad? Ask too many questions like this and the whole fabric of reality could fall apart! Have you learned nothing from Wes Craven?
c) then, we have to wonder Y
17) “Political correctness restricts and restrains humor,” somebody named Brooks reportedly said. “Humor has to be very crazy and very free and very liberated.” Which Brooks said that?
a) Mel Brooks
b) Albert Brooks
c) Avery Brooks
d) Brooks Brothers
e) Brooks Shields
f) babbling brooks
18) Is Sigourney Weaver flat?
a) I’ve never heard her sing, so I cannot comment
b) I assume that she has a full complement of dimensions – how would her kidneys function otherwise?
c) are you attempting to make a derogatory comment about the size of Sigourney Weaver’s chest? The woman who kicked the ass of aliens in four movies? Do you really think that’s wise?
19) A Wolfeboro, New Hampshire Police Commissioner resigned after he called President Obama a nigger. In a subsequent email, he wrote: “For this, I do not apologize – he meets and exceeds my criteria for such.” What criteria would those be?
a) Obama is black
b) in addition to being black, Obama is coloured
c) as if being black and coloured wasn’t enough, Obama has dark skin
d) this black, coloured man with dark skin thinks that he can run the United States of America – that is the very definition of the word “uppity”
20) How smart are you about finances? Complete the following sentence: “I am a…”
a) …money moron.”
b) …cash cretin.”
c) …dollar dummy.”
d) …loonie lamebrain.”
e) …simoleans simpleton.”
f) …dineros doofus.”
g) …gold ingot idiot.”
h) …toonie twit.”
i) …PERSON WHO IS NOT VERY SMART ABOUT FINANCES, OKAY? Really, I could have done without the invective…