1) According to US Army Colonel Wayne Marotto, “there is no other military in the world that works as hard as we do to be precise” in targetting bad people and avoiding civilian deaths when they bomb foreign targets. How does the US military do this?
a) they do not bomb targets without a formal invitation (you know: grey print elevated on a cream background, starting with something like, “You are cordially invited to bomb the shit out of our country…”)
b) journalists are not allowed to report on civilian casualties without an invitation from the Pentagon (usually etched in Plutonium on a cream background, starting with something like, “Mention the following to anybody and it will be the end of your career…!”)
c) badly
2) According to a report by Airwars, a project that tracks international air strikes, US led bombing raids against Islamic State in Iran and Syria have killed at least 459 civilians in the past year. How has the old precision targetting thing been working out for you?
a) hey! You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few civilian’s legs!
b) Yeah, yeah! Listen, you bleeding heart Commie bastard! If they had really wanted to live, those “civilians” would have gotten out of the way of our bombs, wouldn’t they?
c) better than Vietnam, but you have to understand that it is a work in progress…
3) Which of the following artists did not record a theme song for a James Bond movie?
a) Rene Magritte
b) Andy Warhol
c) J. M. W. Turner
4) Can you answer a few simple questions?
a) it depends how simple they are (I get all my information about the world from Fox News, so I’m talking ultra-uber-majorly-simple, here)
b) can you guarantee that my answers will not appear on Fox News?
c) yes
5) Umm, so, will you answer a few simple questions?
a) oh. That’s totally different. No. No, goodness me, no
b) why don’t you run them by my quiz tester? If his mind doesn’t seize up, I will
c) ask me again when this Killjoys marathon is over
6) HSBC has fired six employees who staged a mock ISIS�group-style execution during a team-building exercise. Footage posted online showed five workers wearing overalls and balaclavas laughing as a South Asian colleague wearing an orange jumpsuit knelt at their feet. What was the employees’ mistake?
a) their requisition forms for the balaclavas were only submitted in duplicate, not triplicate as company rules demand
b) cultural insensitivity: Asian businessmen do not wear orange
c) letting the video appear online (these things are only supposed to be viewed at holiday and retirement parties)
7) Former Sri Lanka President Mahinda Rajapaksa was responsible for the creation of an airport in lovely, scenic Hambantota which only receives one flight per day. However, where you see a fiasco, Rajapaksa clearly saw an opportunity. What could you do with the terminal for such an underused airport?
a) hold the most awesome ball hockey game, like, ever! Seriously – it could be played by you and two thousand of your closest friends!
b) shoot the next several Die Hard movies (with enough time for the inevitable Airport reboot)
c) house thousands of Sri Lankans who could have used the money spent on the airport to, you know, live and stuff
8) A Senate committee has recommended that the CBC find new money. Where should the CBC look?
a) under the cushions of the couch in the den
b) in a dark alley in a seedy part of town (wink wink)
c) to a New Democratic government
9) Who is less likely to get their iconic images on a credit card: Karl Marx or The Sex Pistols?
a) Karl Marx, because people will worry that his beard will get caught when they swipe their cards through a reader
b) the Sex Pistols, because Malcolm McLaren won’t allow them to unless he designs the card, and no bank in the world will work with him
c) this is a trick question: they already have: Karl Marx’s face is on a credit card issued by a small bank in Germany; images from The Sex Pistols Never Mind the Bollocks album and “Anarchy in the UK” single are being used on credit cards issued by Virgin Money, the bank backed by Sir Richard Branson. Rebellion is truly dead. Any form of rebellion. Dead as a dodo…
10) Of the following, which would make the most awesome speakeasy password?
a) poppyseed puppies pooped papa’s peonies
b) the cardamom ferry breaks wind at dawn
c) of all the awesome things that happened in the past, this is the one you want to get nostalgic about? Seriously?
i) that’s a bit long for a password, but okay
d) other
11) Russian philanthropreneur Yuri Milner has committed at least $100 million to search for signs of intelligent life in the universe. Scientist Stephen Hawking supports the effort. Why?
a) he hopes that aliens will help us fight the robots when they try to take over the world after the Singularity
b) his voicebox has developed consciousness and, against his will, is trying to instigate a war with aliens in the hope that it will distract people from noticing that robots are preparing to take over the world after the Singularity
c) he has given up hope of finding any sign of intelligent life on Earth
12) Which of these things is not like the other ones?
a) Ann Coulter saying Max Cleland, who lost three limbs fighting in Vietnam, should “stop allowing Democrats to portray him as a war hero.”
b) Republican Joe Walsh saying of Tammy Duckworth, who lost her legs in combat in Iraq: “That’s all she talks about. Our true heroes, it’s the last thing in the world they talk about.”
c) Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry saying, “As a veteran and an American, I respect Senator McCain because he volunteered to serve his country. I cannot say the same of Mr. Trump. His comments have reached a new low in American politics. His attack on veterans make him unfit to be Commander-in-Chief of the U.S. Armed Forces, and he should immediately withdraw from the race for President.”
13) On Wednesday, one of the largest oil spills in Canadian history happened to a new tar sands pipeline. On Thursday, Canadian provincial premiers decided to fast track pipelines and tar sands growth. Why the haste?
a) the Premiers wanted to pass the agreement before anybody noticed. Shh…
b) you can’t eat food grown on land that has been earmarked for an oil pipeline…no, wait…
c) Alberta Premier Rachel Notley threatened to build a pipeline through the meeting room if they didn’t agree to her demands (it’s a good thing her government is NDP – if it hadn’t been, the Alberta Premier would have started building the pipeline and then negotiated terms with the other provincial leaders!)
14) Prime Minister Stephen Harper has announced that he will no longer be appointing senators; if the provinces want new members of the Red Chamber, they’ll have to pick ’em themselves. Course, in 2006 he made the same pledge, but subsequently appointed 59 new ones. What has changed since then?
a) Mike Duffy
b) Pamela Wallin
c) Patrick Brazeau
d) all of the above
15) Pundits have suggested that the announcement is an election ploy. What would be the rationale for that?
a) it distances Harper from his problematic appointees (now, if he could just get them to agree to take the selfies they took with him off their Web sites…)
b) everybody knows that the Senate is the number one priority of voters…
c) comic relief
16) President Obama has unveiled an ambitious programme to deal with climate change. Where was this guy for the first seven years of his presidency?
a) in Casablanca. For the waters. (He was misinformed…)
b) he had been hypnotized by the alien symbiote on Donald Trump’s head, but it was distracted by Trump’s popularity in the Republican race, freeing Obama’s mind
c) high on oil revenues
17) FIFA Chief Sepp Blatter won a renewal of his…chiefship handily (and, no, that does not mean he was grasping for all the cash in his general vicinity). Four days later, he resigned. Why?
a) for the good of the game
i) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ii) hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee
iii) whoa, ho, ho, ha ha, hee hee, man, I slay me sometimes
b) he had shown the world that he had the power – what more could he achieve?
c) to confuse Hildegard Kruppe of Westphalia – confusing the rest of the world was just a bonus, a glorious, glorious bonus
18) The Conservative Party of Canada now has a no last names policy when it comes to referring to certain of its rivals; in speeches and advertising, its representatives refer to somebody only named “Justin.” Which Justin would that be?
a) Timberlake; the Conservatives are concerned that his music will leech away voters in their aging base
b) Thyme, because the Conservatives believe that puns lead to social chaos
c) Saint Justin (aka, Justin the Martyr, Justin the Dancing Queen, Justin Justin Who Needs No Adjustin’, et al); the Conservatives are afraid that his argument that Jesus’ ideas (known as logos, the building blocks of the universe) were extant in the universe long before he was will catch on with the kids
19) According to a headline in the Toronto Star, “Canada stuck on the losing side.” The losing side of what?
a) the debate about which side of the roll to let the toilet paper fall on (obviously, the Minister for Bathroom Affairs needs to be shuffled off to a less demanding post)
b) the line in the sand (nobody knows who put it there or why, but apparently it’s very, very, very, very, very important)
c) the Pacific
20) I know what you’re thinking. Do you?
a) of course I – uhh…hunh – wait – what?
b) would I have done this badly on this quiz if I did?
c) Yes, I know exactly what I’m thinking – and I should be bloody ashamed of myself!