1) Karl Rove has asked the Obama administration to give him executive privilege so he won’t have to testify in Congress about…well, anything, really. Torture, US Attorneys firings, the outing of the identity of a CIA agent – you name it, he won’t. Considering how much responsibility he bears for Republican dirty tricks over the last decade, he has once again redefined the term “chutzpah.” How should Rove be left twisting in the wind?
a) like a gentle breeze on a lovely summer’s day
b) like a stiff wind that, accompanied by the increasing gloom of the dark clouds moving in, foreshadows the economic storm that so many Americans will have to weather
c) like hurricane Katrina (while Heckuvajob Brownie was still in charge of FEMA)
2) What exactly does “executive privilege” mean anyway?
a) if you’re not an executive, you don’t have the privilege of knowing
b) you can say anything you want on television news shows and you don’t have to repeat any of it in front of a Grand Jury
c) never having to say you’re guilty
3) When is enough enough?
a) any second now…
b) …nope, still not yet, but enough is coming…I know it will be here soon…
c) …still not here, but, tell you what, I’ll let you know when enough arrives…
4) Will I ever see a black Prime Minister?
a) it depends how dark your sunglasses are
b) you know, they’re doing amazing research into longevity, these days; you’re only one miracle treatment away
c) that’s what Photoshop is for
5) Where is Canada’s Obama going to come from?
a) the pumpkin patch
b) our collective yearning for a better society
c) Mrs. O’Leary’s cow
d) other
6) A banner headline on the front page of the National Post asks: “Can Canadian anti-Americanism survive Obama?” Well, gee, can it?
a) yes
b) no
c) you know, setting up straw bogeymen in order to ask meaningless questions looks like fun. Can I try? Can Canadian Conservative anti-progressivism survive Obama? Wow. That felt good.
d) …enough sure is taking it’s time, isn’t it? But, when it does arrive, I’m sure it will have been worth the wait…
7) Speaking of his impeachment, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich stated, “There are tens of thousands of people across America, just like me, who are losing their jobs or lost their jobs.” How is Blagojevich like other Americans who have lost their jobs?
a) he has two legs, two arms, a trunk and a head; at the end of each of his legs are feet with five toes each; at the end of his arms are hands with five fingers each; his head has two ears, two eyes, a nose, a mouth and, on top, hair; in his head is a brain that nobody knows the contents of (probably not even himself)
b) the million Americans who lost their jobs in the last two months will all be appearing Monday on The View
c) the four million Americans who lost their jobs in the last two years would be happy to get money for Barack Obama’s vacated Illinois Senate seat, too
8) Television person (personality may be giving him too much credit) Sean Hannity said: “Explain it to me. I’m just a regular guy. And, I’m wondering if you can’t keep the promise to your family, can’t keep your promise to your wife, you’re having an affair, you’re lying about the affair repeatedly, why should the American people trust you when you say you’re not going to lie to them? Why should we trust you?” To which American politician was Hannity referring?
a) Rudy Giuliani
b) Newt Gingrich
c) John McCain
d) Larry Craig
e) David Vitter
f) shall I go on, or have you gotten the point?
9) The Alberta government has promised new rules for the cleanup of tailing ponds, byproducts of tar sands operations that have claimed the lives of at least 500 ducks. What is included in these new rules?
a) letting the eastern bastards freeze in the dark (just because Premier Stelmach was feeling nostalgic)
b) using the bodies of the ducks to soak up the toxic sludge (hey! – they’re dead anyway, so their bodies may as well be put to good use)
c) a “don’t smell, don’t tell” provision
d) the claim that a sprinkling of toxic sludge in your diet is actually good for you
e) …when enough arrives, the Alberta government will be the first to feel its effects…and it’s gonna arrive soon…
10) A Gyeongsang National University team said they have succeeded in cloning cats after modifying a gene to change their skin color. The modified cats glow in the dark. What good are cats that glow in the dark?
a) they can help you find your car keys in an unlit hallway…late at night…very late…in fact, after you’ve gone to bed…and you weren’t really planning on going anywhere…
b) if you can just get them to play the piano, your 15 seconds of YouTube fame are guaranteed!
c) they look spectacular when you juggle them (could a Vegas show be in the cards?)
11) Who recently said: “I Hope Obama Fails?”
a) Osama bin Laden
b) Vladimir Putin
c) Rush Limbaugh
12) What did Republican Congressman Pete Sessions compare to an insurgency like the Taliban?
a) Wal-Mart’s efforts to obstruct and ultimately destroy union organizers in their stores
b) Brain’s efforts to take over…the world!
c) Republican efforts to obstruct and ultimately destroy the Democrats
13) What is the Cato Institute?
a) a think-tank dedicated to the study of the Green Hornet’s sidekick
b) a think-tank dedicated to the study of Inspector Clouseau’s sidekick (back in his earlier, funnier films)
c) a think-tank dedicated to the study of the polar opposite of whatever you happen to believe in
d) …a think tank that doesn’t believe enough will ever be enough…boy, will it be surprised when enough kicks down the Institute’s door and announces its presence…
14) Given the current economic…situation, what are you prepared to do without until things get better?
a) my wife’s cooking
b) my husband
c) my collection of Internet porn (which may help explain answers a and b)
d) other
15) Does god play favourites when it comes to football?
a) yes – he’s firmly behind the New York Yankees (okay, god is a little confused, but you have to admire his enthusiasm)
b) no, he has more important things to concern himself with (such as whether the Lakers will beat the Raptors this weekend)
c) yes – but he isn’t going to tell you which side he’s rooting for (god can be inscrutable that way)
16) What would Elmer Fudd do?
a) diversify his portfolio in order to spread the losses more evenly and hope that some sectors rebound before he loses everything
b) cash out in 2006 and use his ill-gotten gains to buy himself an island in the Pacific that is easily defensible against the starving masses
c) get all confused and end up shooting himself in the face
17) To thank the Democratic administration for including some of their concerns (for example, more tax cuts) in its recently submitted budget, House Republicans voted unanimously against it. How do the Republicans define “bipartisanship?”
a) one for all and all for me
b) actually, the Republican dictionary is missing the letter “b,” so they don’t have a definition of bipartisanship (or, for that matter, basement, bitumen or balloons, although, not surprisingly, they seem well acquainted with the word bitter)
c) they’re totally opposed to bipartisan marriage; they’ve been trying to get a Constitutional amendment against it for years!
18) Despite blindly supporting the perpetual pork machine that is the Pentagon (a trillion dollars a year, and rising), Congressional Republicans are poring over the Democrats’ stimulus package looking for pork. Republicans as sober minders of the public purse? This proposition makes as much sense as…
a) if dogs wore dentures, the Wall Street bailout would have been half as expensive and twice as effective
b) if you haven’t been to Disneyworld, you shouldn’t be eligible for jury duty
c) if logic was a colour, the British monarchy would have been abolished in 1732
19) What is the Bush System?
a) a weight loss programme that actually causes you to gain weight
b) system? I see no system here
c) what John Yoo confusedly called the Bush Doctrine
20) What is the Bush Doctrine?
a) we could tell you, but we’d rather invoke executive privilege and not
b) the policy of destroying a nation’s indigenous populations (example: liberals)
c) what John Yoo mistakenly believes is called the Bush System (aren’t you glad you asked?)
d) …we should go.
e) we can’t go.
f) why can’t we go?
g) we’re waiting for enough.
h) oi!