1) The United States has a Drug Czar, a Homeland Security Czar and, now, a Car Czar. Oddly dictatorial for the world’s greatest democracy. What next?
a) a Babar Czar
b) an Arctic Char Czar
c) a Circus Clowns Car Czar
d) other
2) The Pope has decided to crack down on spurious Virgin Mary sightings on various objects. What is the most outrageous object for which somebody has claimed to see that famous visage?
a) a socket wrench stained with oil
b) a piece of unagi sushi stained with wasabi
c) the head of a man’s penis stained with…an unidentified fluid (and, to make matters worse, he was Episcopalian!)
3) Which of the following statements was not made up by a satirist to make fun of President George W. Bush?
a) “Keep good relations with the Grecians.”
b) “If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow.”
c) “I did denounce it. I de – I denounced it. I denounced interracial dating. I denounced anti-Catholic bigacy.”
d) “We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge.”
e) “My brother Jeb, the great governor of Texas.”
f) “How do you know if you don’t measure, if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?”
g) sadly, none of the above
4) Who or what are “Encounter Specialists?”
a) people trained to make first contact with aliens (or, are those “close encounter” specialists?)
b) people trained to help you make the most of a speed dating session
c) I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: you have a dirty mind and you are going to Hell
5) When does a recession become a depression?
a) when the value of the annual sales of Valium is 10.3473 times the value of the annual sales of the Big Three automakers combined (not 9.8746, as some pundits would have it)
b) when middle aged men want to go out and buy a sports car to prove their virility and, thanks to the strings on the auto bailout, there’s nothing available out there but electrics!
c) since there is no agreed upon definition of an economic depression, whenever John McCain says it does (and, if that ain’t depressin’…)
6) How can anyone have an orgasm after May, 1968?
a) you’ve been reading Foucault again, haven’t you?
b) is this a trick question? I mean, did somebody invent a new way to get sexual pleasure in May, 1968?
c) human beings have no shame…or, for that matter, self-restraint
7) What is your response to the fact that a comedy CD distributed by former Tennessee GOP chairman and Republican National Committee chair candidate Chip Saltsman contains a song called “Barack the Magic Negro?”
a) he should be drummed out of the GOP for being a racist
b) he should be drummed out of the GOP for knowing a Peter, Paul and Mary song
c) he should be made RNC chairman, because rejecting liberal ideas of racial tolerance will really help the party’s chances in the 2010 mid-term elections
8) By the end of 2008, it was estimated that one billion people lived with hunger, up 75 million from a year before. How are you planning on celebrating?
a) triple bacon cheeseburgers for everybody in the restaurant – I’m buying!
b) with an understated evening featuring caviar and imported champagne
c) hunkered in my living room watching Prison Break and praying I never have to meet any of them
9) The Jane and Finch area is being rebranded; in the future, it will be called University Heights. I know, I know. Still, what were some of the names that were rejected?
a) Baggy Pants Boulevard
b) Elevated Terror Alert Terrace
c) Joe
10) Can you use the phrase “anticipatory self-defense” in a sentence?
a) I warned the Vice President of Research that if we didn’t stop letting the lab rats have smoke breaks, the drug trials would be tainted. Looks like I just anticipatory self-defensed myself out of a job!
b) Stop smirking! If you’re not part of the anticipatory self-defense, you’re part of the problem, mister!
c) no
11) Why did Israel bomb then invade Gaza?
a) it looked at the American success in Iraq and thought, “Gee, why should they get to have all the fun?”
b) it wanted to use up many of its American bombs before they reached their “best before” date
c) what are you implying, you anti-Semitic bastard?
12) The CIA during the Bush presidency has been referred to as a “national pincushion” and “a kind of Gestapo doing the White House bidding.” Where would the common sense position between these two statements be?
a) the CIA has been a ratty old teddy bear with razor sharp teeth
b) the CIA has been a painful disease that makes you pretty, oh so pretty
c) the CIA has been Mother Teresa on a meth-inspired shoplifting binge
13) What is “penis crush?”
a) a flavour of soda that understandably never caught on
b) the next level of “penis envy,” one Freud couldn’t possibly have imagined
c) what happens when a young boy, inexperienced in the way of the world, tries to put down the toilet seat when he hasn’t…OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
14) In his farewell address to the nation, President Bush said “There are things I would do differently if given the chance.” What, specifically, would he do differently?
a) spend more time at his ranch in Crawford, cause, gosh darnit, being President really takes it out of ya
b) let Laura make more of the policy announcements – see, people, they seem to like Laura
c) hire Josh Brolin to play him at press conferences
15) Do you know these people?
a) no, but if you hum a few bars… (I do know bad jokes…)
b) I’ve never seen them before in my life, officer. In fact, I’ve never seen them before in any of my previous lives, eith – oh, wait. Now that you mention it, the skinny one on the left looks like a fishmonger I once knew in 12th century Brittany. I…uhh…don’t suppose that helps you, much, does it?
c) do any of us really know anybody else? No, officer, I’m not obstructing justice, I’m making a philosophical point!
16) Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach says that the debate on whether or not Canada should have a single market regulator is a distraction from things like “building confidence in the economy.” What does Stelmach think will build confidence in the economy?
a) convincing Canadians that rocks blown up to get at tar sands oil make a nice, light snack
b) the federal government waving its magic wand and the price of oil rising to over $80 a barrel
c) having a single national market regulator (he’d just prefer if nobody would talk about it)
17) Which of the following statements would you least like to hear on the subway PA system?
a) “Marg, will you please stop avoiding my calls? I got the test results back from the doctor and I need to talk to you immediately!“
b) “Do not panic. There is no need to panic. Some kind of explosion has happened aboveground that has entirely wiped out the city. However, there is absolutely no need to panic. Control tells us that everybody is perfectly safe…as long as they don’t leave the tunnel for at least 100 years…”
c) “Spadina 24. Spadina 24. Have you found my glasses yet?”
18) Which of the following should be added to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs?
a) to smack the person in the lineup in front of you upside the head
b) to not torture your boss to within an inch of her life with a waterpic…until after the annual performance review
c) chocolate
19) What does an Obama presidency mean for Canadians?
a) four more weeks of winter
b) a growing market for hope and change (although there’s no guarantee they’ll keep you warm through the longer winter)
c) they’ll look at their life partners in a whole new way
20) Why was William Ayers denied entry to Canada to speak at the University of Toronto?
a) the fashion police at the border didn’t like his tie
b) the anti-terrorist pixies waved their magic wands (not to be confused with the government’s oil price changing magic wands) and a letter writing campaign miraculously appeared and touched the hearts of the men and women of the Canada Border Agency
c) no, no, no – it had nothing to do with any pressure put on the government by people with long memories and short fuses – goodness me, no. It was because…Canada wasn’t letting anybody in the country that day who…whose last name began with the letter “A.” Bad luck. Try again next winter…