901) Although it paid DynCorp $1.2 billion, ostensibly to train Iraqi police, the State Department admitted that it can’t say “specifically what it received” for the money. What did DynCorp do to earn the $1.2 billion the American government gave it?
a) free pages for every Congressman who wants one, no questions asked!
b) gave each potential Iraqi police officer a copy of a Martin Cruz Smith Arkady Renko novel, patted them on the back and wished them luck
c) we know one thing for sure: they didn’t go into Iraq to train any Iraqis to be policemen – that place is dangerous! (Not only that, but, considering how many Iraqis trained as police have defected to the insurgency, by not doing anything DynCorp may actually have helped the occupation. But, do you think Congress is going to give them any credit?)
902) Bracewell & Giuliani, a firm based in Houston that Republican Presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani joined as a name partner two years ago, handles lobbying in the Texas capital for the Citgo Petroleum Corporation of Houston. Citgo is the American subsidiary of Petróleos de Venezuela, the state-owned oil company that happy-go-lucky America-bashing Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez controls. How thick is the irony?
a) as thick as the odor of pesto sauce made by a really bad chef
b) as thick as Frida Kahlo’s eyebrows
c) as thick as somebody who doesn’t appreciate the irony
903) According to recent law, American military commissions could be held not only for foreign “unlawful enemy combatants” but “any person” who aids the enemy “in breach of an allegiance or duty to the United States.” Who is any person?
a) what morgue attendants call somebody whose name is actually John Doe to avoid confusing him with somebody who hasn’t been identified
b) if you look around the table and don’t see any person, any person is you
c) Jack Black
904) Recently, Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton was accused of “playing the gender card.” What card would that be?
a) the six of spades
b) Get Out of Jail Free
c) you know the card deaf people try to hand you in the subway asking for money? It’s like that, only in Serbo-Croatian
905) Given the fact that he has been given $10 billion (that we know of) by the US for being such a good ally in the war on terror despite allowing Al Qeada operatives to seek safe haven within his country and allowing Pakistan’s nuclear secrets to be sold to Libya and Iran, how hard must General Pervez Musharraf be laughing?
a) like he’s just seen a classic Simpsons episode
b) milk is coming out his nose – and he was drinking Scotch!
c) oh, man, he’s gonna need hernia surgery if he keeps this up
906) Who said, “Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it?”
a) George Santayana
b) no, that’s not right – wasn’t it George Santayana?
c) absolutely not! I’m positive it was George Santayana
907) What can Mitt Romney do to show the Republican far right that he’s their perfect candidate?
a) shoot a lawyer in the face
b) kill a penguin with his bare hands and eat its innards before they stop steaming
c) invent a time machine and use it to go back in time to stop himself from supporting abortion rights
908) Who said: “There are circumstances in history that justify ethnic cleansing?”
a) well known butterfly collector and genocidal maniac Adolph Hitler
b) the dance sensation known as The New Hitler, Mahmoud “Chuckles” Achmadinejad
c) not nearly as well known but unselfconsciously bitterly ironic Israeli historian Benny Morris
909) What is “excited delirium?”
a) a psychological state that has no official definition, but does have a cure: 50,000 volts to the ass
b) what some men get when thinking about Angelina Jolie in Beowulf (which is odd considering that she was wearing a full body suit during the entire shoot and her “body” in the film was digitally rendered, but ignorance is part of excited delirium’s unique charm)
c) a delirium atom that has been shot through a particle accelerator and fused with a helium atom, making it highly unstable, with a half-life of three hundred thousandths of a second
910) What is the result of a “muscular” foreign policy?
a) one war, 100,000 dead and $100 billion
b) a longer life, even if more of it is spent in the gym
c) two wars, a million dead and $1.6 trillion
d) more noise and air pollu – no, wait, that’s the result of a muscle car foreign policy
e) three wars, 10 million dead and $3.7 trillion
911) It is “so toxic that laboratory technicians who handle it in its purified state wear masks and gloves.” What is this terrible substance?
a) Jack Black’s underwear
b) in Quebec, a hijab
c) caffeine
912) What is the significance of what happened in Annapolis?
a) it was a high level summit about peace in the Middle East…and, when I say “summit,” I actually mean conference…and, by conference, I mean meeting…or, casual gathering, if you prefer…or…
b) three lame ducks met to determine which would be served first for dinner
c) people discussed peace…in a town noted for it’s military – what do you think was the significance of that?
913) Rudy Giuliani’s polling numbers seem to go down in tandem with Hillary Clinton’s. What could this possibly mean?
a) Republicans are certain that Giuliani can beat a girl, but beyond that…
b) Republicans are not certain that Mitt Romney can beat a girl…
c) the sub-prime mortgage fiasco has a long way to go before the American economy hits bottom
914) Speaking of which, who do you think is ultimately going to pay for the sub-prime fiasco?
a) the mortgage brokers who thought it was a good idea to give mortgages worth several hundred thousand dollars to people who used to sleep on the side of the road and…and…oh, man, I can’t believe I wrote that with a straight face! HA! HA!
b) the stock brokers who packaged the mortgages to people who used to sleep on the side of the road (and who thought that collateral is a kind of triangle) with other, more reasonable debt, to sell to suckers like banks and…and…OH, MAN, I CRACK MYSELF UP SOMETIMES!
c) the service that cleans Jack Black’s underwear
915) What’s the difference between the security certificate laws struck down by the Canadian Supreme Court in a 9-0 ruling as a violation of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms and the new security certificate laws?
a) with every six people who are given secret hearings in which they are not given access to the case against them, the government gets egg rolls
b) that was then, this is now, and if you can’t tell the difference you should give up your seat in Parliament
c) the new laws haven’t been struck down by the Canadian Supreme Court in a 9-0 ruling as a violation of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms…yet
916) A teacher in Sudan was arrested because she let a student name a teddy bear Mohammed. What would a North American need to name a teddy bear to create the same amount of outrage?
a)
b)
c) oh, dear. Have we really become so jaded that there is no name for a teddy bear that will create the same amount of outrage? I blame William F. Buckley…
917) What was the worst Robin Williams film?
a) August Rush (think: Fagan + Bono, a combination the universe didn’t need)
b) Licence to Wed (imagine Adrian Cronauer as a sadistic priest – oh, yeah, the jokes pretty much write themselves, don’t they?)
c) hello! Anybody remember a little thing called Popeye?
d) oh, there are so many to choose from…
e) other
918) What is an NIE?
a) a Niggling Inventory of Excrement
b) a Nodular Irish Education
c) a Newfound Intention to Exfoliate
919) Did any of the answers to the previous question approach reality?
a) define “reality”
b) define “to”
c) sure they did. Not only did they approach reality, they drove right through its front porch, blasted through reality’s front door and only came to a stop when they ran into the fridge in its kitchen! That enough reality for ya?
920) How does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?
a) I don’t know – ever since I got the Botox done, I can’t feel my face
b) roughly, pawing through his clo – oh, wait, was the question how do I feel up one of the beautiful people?
c) pretty good, actually. Why? Were you really expecting anything different?