1) Toronto Mayor Doug Ford’s Housing Affordability Task Force reported that there is more than enough land already zoned for housing. So naturally, the Premier plans to open parts of the Greenbelt to developers. What is his reasoning for this?
a) the Premier is all about the green, just not that green
b) you can’t feed your lust for power on nuts and berries
c) when he was young, Mayor Ford’s father threw his Kermit the Frog doll into a blaze in the family fireplace, and ever since he has hated the colour green (just not that green)
2) Many companies that have pledged to cut their greenhouse gas emissions to “net zero” only plan on cutting them by an average of 36%. How do they expect their emissions to drop to zero?
a) wishful thinking and negligent bookkeeping
b) Harry Potter will wave his magic wand and the remainder will disappear
c) by the time anybody holds them to account, human beings will have evolved in a direction that allows them to breath carbon dioxide, so the problem will solve itself
3) A motion in the Quebec legislature proposed by the Bloc Quebecois that states, “The use of the notwithstanding clause to trample on minority rights is just fine with us” (I may be paraphrasing a bit) was defeated by the Liberals, NDP and Greens. “Aha!” BQ leader Yves-Francois Blanchet crowed, “they don’t believe in their own Constitution!” How cunning was Blanchet’s cunning plan?
a) it was truly Johnson-worthy
b) it was madly Trump-worthy
c) it was deeply Baldric-worthy
d) are you getting the sense that I don’t think it was very cunning yet?
4) According to the International Monetary Fund, Britain would likely be the world’s only major economy to contract in 2023. What is the cause of this?
a) (not Brexit)
b) (definitely not Brexit)
c) (stop talking about Brexit, already! Brexit has nothing to do with it, okay‽ Shut up!)
5) According to the foreperson of the special grand jury investigating Donald Trump in Georgia, perhaps a dozen of the witnesses had perjured themselves in their testimony. My, oh my, who could they possibly be?
a) Lindsey Graham
b) John Eastman
c) Rudy Giuliani
d) Mike Flynn
e) all of the above, and so many lesser
6) A train derailment occurred on February 3, 2023, at 8:55 p.m. EST, when 38 cars of a Norfolk Southern freight train carrying hazardous materials derailed in East Palestine, Ohio. How is it the Democrats’ fault?
a) when it became clear that Ohio Governor Mike DeWine would not be asking for federal help to deal with the emergency, President Biden should have realized that he was just shy and taken the initiative by offering the help on his own
b) when Governor DeWine ignored President Biden’s offer of help, the Democratic leader should have wooed him with chocolates and flowers and tried proposing the offer again
c) the President should have hopped into his time machine and warned Congress of the dire consequences of their decision to repeal rail safety regulations. What? The President doesn’t have a time machine? Well, then, he should have put money for time travel research into a line item in his first budget. What? Republicans would have excoriated him for wasting precious government resources if he did? You just hate Donald Trump and want to pin this disaster on the Republicans, don’t you‽
7) One analysis has shown that for-profit nursing homes in Ontario had four times as many COVID-19 deaths as city-run homes. So, naturally, Premier Doug Ford plans to put more funding into for-profit homes. What is his reasoning for this?
a) wow! What an insightful question! You sure nailed the essence of that issue! My hat’s off to you!
b) did you go to school to learn how to ask questions like this? Because it’s hard to believe that an amateur could come up with something so brilliant!
c) look, I could go on at some length about what an amazing question this is, but we both already know that that’s true, so I’ll stipulate that you have perfected the art of questioning and we can move on…okay?
8) You’re not going to answer the question, are you?
a) you’ve done it again! Thoughtful. Incisive. Umami. I tell you, this question has it all!
b) and the hits just keep on coming! Good to see you have mastered the art of the follow-up question!
c) probably not, but don’t take it personally; it’s not the question (which was fantastic), it’s me
9) Ann Coulter has finally admitted out loud what everybody else in the world had already known: Donald Trump is “profoundly stupid.” Given her opinion of the man, how does she justify writing a book called In Trump We Trust (E Pluribus Awesome)?
a) he has surrounded himself with brilliant people to make up for his intellectual shortcomings. You know, stable geniuses like Sydney Powell…and Mike Lindell…and Rudy Giuliani…so, uhh, there’s that…
b) have you seen how many copies she can sell to right-wing think tanks and foundations? A couple of them may even be read, too, but who cares? She can make a ton of money as a bestselling author!
c) Ann Coulter is still alive? I mean, I hadn’t heard anything about her in so lon – are you sure Ann Coulter is still alive?
10) Russian disinformation about President Joe Biden’s surprise visit to Ukraine (repeated by Fox Fakes News anchorparrots) has a few discernible themes. Which is the most ridiculous?
a) Biden should have been in Ohio according to the FBI to comfort him in the face of the East Palestine train derailment as the Governor pointedly told the President that his presence wasn’t welcome in the state
b) Biden thought he was in Ohio according to the FBI
c) Hunter Biden’s laptop! No, really, this time! Ukraine is at the centre of it all! It has something to do with money laundering or something. Really! It’s all about Hunter Biden’s laptop!
11) What do warning lights really mean?
a) speed up before they turn red
b) slow down or you’re gonna choke on a chicken bone (which will be especially embarrassing if you’re not eating chicken)
c) you can blame the nuclear meltdown on the Democrats
12) What is a “wokeocracy?”
a) a hierarchy of who gets to sleep in and for how long
b) the right’s answer to Idiocracy: a movie that nobody understands but everybody walks out of afraid and angry
c) whatever Ron DeSantis says it is
13) What is rage farming?
a) indiscriminately using the term “wokeocracy” in polite company
b) trolling that takes place in the countryside rather than under bridges
c) sowing the seeds of hatred and division and reaping the whirlwind. No, that isn’t a metaphor. The seeds are black and ooze a viscous grey sludge, and the whirlwind is worse than the Bay Street corridor
14) What is a houseling?
a) one of Norman Lear’s less successful sitcoms
b) a baby house
c) someone who prefers to stay at home than go out (like there was such an attractive night life in the 1500s!)
15) Donald Trump told an audience that: “They used COVID to cheat.” Who are “they” and what was the event that they used COVID to “cheat” at?
a) the Illuminati
b) the illiterati
c) the Adams family
i) the 1919 World Series
ii) the election for President of…Thomas E. Dewey in 1948
iii) Kimberly Guilfoyle’s birthday party
16) According to the FBI, in 2017, there were 1,890 cases of domestic terrorism. In 2018, that had jumped to 3,714. By 2021, there were 9,049. What changed in 2017?
a) Hunter Biden’s laptop (it really gets around!)
b) the Chinese spy balloon
c) the party of the thin blue line got into power
17) James Comer claims SVB was “one of the most woke banks.” What does it mean for a bank to be woke?
a) its tellers aren’t allowed to sleep on the job
b) it depends upon bank regulators to be asleep on the job
c) whatever James Comer says it is
18) According to President Trump: “If they can do this to President Trump, they can do this to you.” To what was he referring?
a) arrest you for taking a thousand government documents back to your one bedroom apartment and lying to government officials about having them
b) arrest you for getting your followers to violently storm the Capitol to overturn the legal results of a presidential election (all seven of them)
c) arrest you for paying a porn star not to discuss your affair with her in the middle of your presidential campaign (but not declaring it as an election expense)
19) Part of the argument for outlawing abortion pills is that when women use them, doctors will be denied the fees they would be entitled to if they brought the fetus to term and had to administer to its health needs. By this logic, what other health measures should be outlawed?
a) health warnings on cigarette packages, since this would deny doctors the income from long-term cancer treatments
b) diets, since they would deny doctors income from heart disease, diabetes and a whole host of other physical horrible ailments
c) leeching (because it’s just nasty)
20) Far-right Tennessee Congressman Andy Ogles raised nearly $25,000 via GoFundMe using a photo of a stillborn child. He promised to use the money to build a place for the burial of babies, with benches for families and a life-size statue of Jesus. You can see where this is heading, can’t you?
a) no. Please spell it out for me
Fine. The place was never built, and Ogles refuses to tell anybody what he did with the money. What did Ogles do with the money?
a) made a papier-mache bust of Kevin McCarthy out of it. He’s an art lover, really…
b) rolled up each $100 bill and used them to light 250 cigars
c) you’re really cynical, you know that? Andy used the money for a worthy cause – such a worthy cause – even better than a place to bury dead babies! And when he’s ready, he’ll tell you. And you will be so sorry you doubted him. Of course you will…