1) Where have all the good readers gone?
a) gone to ebooks, every one
b) why go to the trouble to read a book when the movie version will come out eventually (and, if it doesn’t, the book obviously wasn’t worth reading in the first place)?
c) didn’t you hear? The good readers just publisher their first novel on Smashwords and are working on the sequel – they don’t have time to read!
2) The House voted 50 times in the past two years to repeal the Affordable Care Act. How could it have better used that time?
a) playing poker (at least that way the Democrats could have raised some money for the next election)
b) smoking a doob and chilling out, maaaaaaan
c) given the general incompetence of Republican leadership, this may actually have been the best use of its time – Jefferson wept
3) According to fashion designer Joseph Abboud, “Men are the new women.” What does this make women?
a) the old women? (oh, you don’t want to go there!)
b) the new board game that’s fun for the whole family!
c) free from the dictates of fashion…?
4) What the heck is “a New York minute?”
a) a Boise five hours, 26 minutes and seven seconds
b) a Venice 30 seconds
c) something too smutty (and a little sad) to describe here, but, if you think about it for a moment, you should be able to figure it out
5) JPMorgan Chase & Co. paid a $13 billion penalty without admitting to any criminal wrongdoing in regard to possibly defrauding investors through repackaged mortgage securities. If it did nothing wrong, what did it pay the $13 billion for?
a) to stop the FTC’s nagging
b) peace of mind (it was misinformed)
c) guilt for all the small animals it killed when JPMorgan Chase & Co. was but a tot
6) Lawyers in the Florida Attorney-General’s office argued that a federal judge’s ruling striking down the state’s ban on same sex marriages applied only to the couple that brought the suit, not all gay couples. When this bit of sophistry is destroyed in the judge’s clarification of his ruling, how will Florida officials obstruct gay marriage further?
a) they will argue that the ruling only applies to the day of the year when it was made, and that county clerks do not have to issue marriage certificates to gay couples the other 364 days a year
b) they will insist that the ruling only applies to the first marriage certificate issued to a gay couple, and any other gay couple that subsequently wants to marry will have to white out all of the fields of the form and fill in their information over it
c) they will label the federal judge a gay marriage and initiate proceedings to have her annulled
7) The Interview was Google Play and YouTube Movies’ best selling Video on Demand and electronic-sell-through title of 2014, even though it was released less than a week before the end of the year. What lesson can we learn from this?
a) nothing can get between Seth Rogen and his fans
b) nothing can get between James Franco and his fans
c) nothing can get between Kim Jong-Un and his fan
8) What is “hate sex?”
a) no idea
b) haven’t a clue, but even if I did I wouldn’t go there
c) why don’t you ask Jian Ghomeshi? After all, he is, you should pardon the expression, the master at it
9) New Russian road safety regulations ban transexuals, transvestites and others with so-called sexual “disorders” from driving. Wwwwwwwwhhhhhhyyy?
a) because at any moment they may snap and plow into a van carrying a father, a mother and their 12 children who only wanted to go to the Museum of Vodka and Other Potato Based Alcoholic Substances and, tragically, will never make it now
b) because their ridiculously fabulous eyelashes may fall into their eyes at just the wrong moment, causing them to plow into a van carrying a father, a mother and their 27 children on their way to the Temple of Pilgrims, Pillaging and Pogroms which, tragically, they will never reach now
c) because Russian Whatever High Office He Has Created For Himself This Week Vladimir Putin is in the closet, and he doesn’t want reminders flouncing by on city streets
10) Guru Baba Ramdev, an ally of Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi who has popularized yoga in its native India, says that the exercise regimen can cure homosexuality. How can yoga cure homosexuality?
a) when bending over doing the downward dog, the practitioner hits his head on the floor so hard he suffers from sexual preference amnesia
b) it can turn their unnaturally pink chakras back to the healthy, heterosexual shade of red that they should be
c) there’s a new position called the wishful thinking warthog
11) What is the best piece of advice the Lithuanian government is offering citizens in case of a Russian invasion?
a) drink all the Vodka they offer you – it will kill you faster
b) tell the soldiers that the tanks really bring out the blue in their eyes (even if they are so bloodshot you cannot tell what colour they are) – they may be hardened killers, but even they appreciate a little flattery now and then
c) never, under any circumstances, make fun of Vladimit Putin’s dog
12) Why is composer Frederic Chopin’s body buried in France while his heart is buried in Poland?
a) San Francisco was taken
b) the FedEx courier was a bit confused
c) because his body would have had to go through Germany to get to Poland, and his heart was the only part of him that wasn’t allergic to sauerkraut
13) Are you pregnant with a full time job?
a) no, the ultrasound showed that I am pregnant with twin part-time jobs
b) no, I’m pregnant with a pause
thank you for indulging me
c) yes, and if the next 30 years are anything like the past three months, I will never have sex again in my life!
14) After Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah died, world leaders praised him as a “reformer.” What does that mean?
a) women could think about driving (as long as it was in the privacy of their husband’s kitchens)
b) people would only be flogged with a cane with a smiley face on the handle
c) executions would no longer be televised on the reality show called Sorry, But I Seem to Have Lost My Head
15) Greece has just elected a left-wing government that promises to lighten some of the worst problems associated with the country’s foreign-imposed austerity programmes. This can only be good for the Greek people. Why does the international financial community believe it is a sign of Armageddon?
a) because it will only be good for the Greek people
b) because if it is good for the Greek people, other countries might try it, and then how would the IMF fill its social calendar?
c) they’re grateful for the distraction from the reality that the fall in oil prices is the sign of Armageddon
16) The Harper Government of Canada tabled legislation yesterday to unprecedentedly increase the powers of the country’s security agencies to combat terrorism. How soon might we expect CSIS, the RCMP or your local police force to start arresting innocent people on suspicion of vaguely naughty things?
a) the day after the bill passes
b) the day after tomorrow
c) would you please come with us, sir? We have some questions we would like to ask you…
17) What? But, I haven’t done anything wrong! Why should I go with you?
a) by questioning the government’s policies, you have given verbal comfort and support to terrorists. We just want to know if you are intentionally a terrorist, or if you are only an unconscious terrorist.
17 continued) But…but…but…
b) Please, sir. Things will go easier on you if you cooperate…
c)
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