Okay. The Christmas turkey has stuffed you. You’ve watched all 27 hours of It’s a Wonderful Life (no, it’s not your imagination – it does, indeed, get longer every year). You know what’s in every package under the tree because nobody in your family can keep a secret. And there are still hours to go before anybody will break down and let you open your presents.
What to do? What to do?
You could try to eat the fruitcake. Then, there are always…board games. Or, you could fill out the simple quiz below. As time wasters go, What the Heck Do You Know? is one of the best (according to the Newfoundland Ministry of Wasting Time, the nation’s leader on the subject). But, whatever you do, don’t send completed quizzes to us! We’re too busy trying to figure out what our presents are by the sound they make when we shake them in the blender.
1) Which of the following is the best anti-environment slogan?
a) “Putin! Putin! He’s our man! If he can’t kill Kyoto, no one can!”
b) “Two, four, six, eight! Don’t ratify! Eradicate!”
c) “You’ll get my SUV when you pry the steering wheel from my cold, dead fingers.”
2) Which of the following areas of expertise would you most like to have?
a) pogonologist (an expert on the work of Walt Kelly)
b) paedonosologist (an expert on diseases if the foot and nose)
c) pisteologist (an expert on handguns)
d) tartarologist (an expert on sauces for fish)
e) phthisiologist (an expert on words that are impossible to pronounce)
3) American President George W. Bush told Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao that their two countries were “partners in diplomacy.” How could Bush say such a thing?
a) the term “partners in theocracy” is saved for his friends in Saudi Arabia, while the term “partners in piracy” is reserved for his friends at Halliburton (the term “partners in democracy” is up for the highest bidder)
b) you know that little voice in your head that stops you from talking before you ask somebody about their sex life, bank balance or other embarrassingly personal subject? President Bush had his strangled at birth
c) how many times do I have to tell you that billions of dollars in trade trump any sense of political morality! I’m serious! Don’t make me come over there…!
4) Where are Toronto’s old boy networks headed?
a) to the girl’s bathroom, where they are sure to cause trouble
b) the wrong way down the politically correct highway of life
c) south to Alaska
5) Is it “pizzle” before “schmizzle,” or after “schlemozzle?”
a) is that English?
b) let’s see…is it I before E except after…after…you know, I could have been another Martin Amis if English wasn’t such a damn complicated language!
c) I know drizzle comes before fizzle, but maybe I should stop reading dictionaries for fun, cuz my mother is beginning to worry about me…
d) it’s Mister Whitzzle in the denzzle with the lead pipzzle
e) no, seriously, is that English?
6) How do ads with supermodels such as Kate Moss being posted in front of urinals in public washrooms affect you?
a) I hate to admit it, but I…I can’t perform – I have to go out back and find a bush or something…
b) I don’t compare peepee sizes now that I have something else to look at – and, you don’t know what a relief that is!
c) not at all – I’m too busy comparing peepee sizes…
7) What is 21 grams?
a) the temperature at which paper burns
b) enough to get you put away for 25 to life
c) the amount of fat the average person in the world consumes in a day (even though, at 61, North Americans are trying to raise the average)
8) How will Saddam Hussein’s capture change your life?
a) there’s a jog in my step and a song in my heart
b) the odds of my marrying Hilary Duff have increased substantially
c) oh my god! I just won the lottery! Thank you, coalition forces!
d) my wife left me, my dog hates me and my truck battery died – you couldn’t have captured him a week ago?
9) What is the best rationale for putting surveillance cameras in high schools?
a) the little buggers won’t get any privacy in prison, so they should get used to it when they’re young
b) the little buggers won’t get any privacy in their work environment, so they should get used to it when they’re young
c) parents have never trusted their children – you expect me to feel guilty because I have access to better surveillance technology than previous generations?
10) Why did President Bush float the idea of putting Americans on the moon once again?
a) he didn’t want the United States of America to be beat out by Russian entrepreneurs
b) the US is running out of places on Earth to put its advanced weapons
c) he had a Kennedy moment, but he’s much better now…
11) What’s the difference between neo-liberalism and neo-conservatism?
a) well – sniff – one’s liberal and the other’s conservative, ain’t it?
b) neo-liberalism is actually old liberalism that the left forgot for a while, while neo-conservatism is actually a break from traditional conservatism – as if anybody other than a political science major would care
c) neo-liberals can’t be trusted to have the guts to fully follow their stated agenda, neo-conservatives can
d) when neo-liberals threaten to cut aid to your country if you don’t starve programmes for the poor of funding, they do it with love
12) What did you do to celebrate the hundredth anniversary of the Wright Brother’s flight at Kitty Hawk?
a) reviewed all of the tapes I’ve made of coverage of the Air India disaster
b) tried, once more, to find out what happened to the luggage I lost on a trip to Newark in ’97
c) unionized the pilots and crews of my paper airplane and refused to allow myself to fly it across the room until they were given better benefits packages
13) Which promise are you most sorry the provincial Liberals have broken now that they have gained office?
a) hiring more nurses, because, frankly, the bitch who takes care of me in the home is getting on my nerves
b) capping class sizes in junior kindergarten, because, frankly, my Donnie’s napping skills are not getting the attention they deserve
c) giving two cents a litre of the gasoline tax for municipalities to use towards public transit, because, frankly, commuting to work would be much better if some of those other assholes weren’t on the road
14) The United States has decided to allow only countries that took part in its invasion of Iraq to bid on contracts for the country’s reconstruction. Rank the following proposals from most to least sensible.
a) Eritrea bidding on contracts to supply hospitals with needed medicines
b) Palau (it’s a real country – look it up) bidding on contracts to help restart Iraq’s oil industry
c) Saudi Arabia bidding on a contract to help develop security forces in Iraq
15) In the latest dispatch from the alternative universe in which she lives, Ann Coulter has suggested that burning down the Supreme Court building would have been an appropriate response to Roe vs. Wade and that murdered abortion doctors “had a procedure performed on them with a rifle.” Do you laugh or do you cry?
a) laugh – I’ve got an Ann Coulter action figure, and you should see what she gets up to with Ken when Barbie’s out of town!
b) laugh – at least writing a column keeps her from spreading her genes to children of her own
c) cry – she has more readers than I ever in my wildest dreams will
16) What qualifications does Helene Chalifour Scherrer bring to the position of Minister of Canadian Heritage?
a) she’s not Sheila Copps
b) she saw a play once
c) she supported Paul Martin when he was still in diapers
17) Match the following quotes with the fairy tale character most likely to have said them.
a) “With a heavy dose of fear and violence, and a lot of money, I think we can convince these people that we are here to help them.”
b) “When I conducted the transaction, I did not believe that I possessed privileged or material insider information.”
c) “It is expensive to purchase, ship and deliver fuel into a wartime situation, especially when you are limited by short duration contracts… It is not as simple as dropping by a full service station for a fill-up.”
i) Snow White
ii) Humpty Dumpty
iii) Jack and Jill (through their lawyer)
18) Why are the Toronto Blue Jays so dead set against an old age home being built near the Skydome?
a) they don’t want their players to be reminded of what they have to look forward to after retirement
b) they don’t want their players to be shown up by people twice their age
c) with their wild parties and rampant drug use, the seniors are bound to cause property values to plummit
19) Which of the following is most applicable to the negotiation of long-range tactical missile reduction treaties?
a) Software expands to fill the memory available to it. (Gresham’s Third Law, Twice Removed)
b) Charm expands to fill the character available to it. (Roger Moore’s law)
c) To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, except changing diapers. (Mother-in-law’s Law)
20) What are “hedonic damages?”
a) damage done to your hedons
b) the villains in the next Resident Evil video game
c) the latest bonanza for lawyers
d) you know how you always thought that you couldn’t put a price on happiness…?