1) Which of the following phrases best describes what you’re up to right now?
a) spring break
b) spring cleaning
c) spring training
d) spring loaded
2) Could you please repeat that?
a) sure. 1) Which of the following phrases best describes what you’re up to right now?
b) spring cleaning
c) spring training
d) spring loaded
b) look, it’s really very simple. Fold along the dotted line and insert tab Phineas into slot Adolpho. Turn left at the next light and go three quarters of a velocipede, until you see the on ramp to the Minor Arcana Turnpike. Take two tablets if hiccups recur within 48 hours of the first UFO sighting. And, that’s how you get your three year-old to eat her peas and carrots.
c) sure: GET A HEARING AID, GRAMPS! Did you get that, or would you like me to repeat it?
3) No, I’m good, thanks. What is The Spin Room?
a) a place with padded walls that allow you to twirl around until you’re so dizzy you fall down (it’s very popular with Fox News pundits and other children)
b) a place you can finally get your laundry done (and, it’s very popular with singles)
c) a super-colliding super-conductor (it’s very popular with particle scientists and circus clowns)
4) According to Immigration Minister Diane Finley, Canada’s immigration system is about to “collapse.” What would the most reasonable course of action be?
a) cut taxes
b) give the Immigration Minister the power to throw darts at a board and decide which immigrants will be given a “Get Into Canada Free” card
c) hire more immigration officers to deal with the terrible backlog of cases
d) oh, ha ha, very funny, but let’s get real: give the Immigration Minister the power over life and death and let her get on with her job (while we cut taxes)
5) If the situation is really so dire, why did the Conservative government bury its changes to the Immigration Act in a budget bill?
a) because the Fathers of Confederation forgot to include immigration in their “liste of thinges that contribut to a lacke of confidenc in th’government” (and, the Harper government is all about the confidenc)
b) it wanted to bury its heart at Wounded Knee, but Wounded Knee isn’t in Canada…and, in any case, it doesn’t have a heart…so, it came up with this as a compromise
c) because Jim Flaherty wanted to use his new shoes to stomp all over the hopes and dreams of immigrants who wanted to be united with their families in Canada (and, who are we to spoil a Finance Minister’s fantasy?)
6) According to BMO Nesbitt Burns economist Douglas Porter, “No one should confuse this with a healthy economy.” What should they confuse it with?
a) a gold-plated armadillo
b) a silver Bullitt
c) the brass in your pocket
7) According to Winnipeg MP and Health Ministry Undersecretary Steven Fletcher, the science on safe injection sites is “conflicting,” so the Conservative government will decide whether to continue supporting the site in Vancouver or to shut it down based on “the realities of the situation.” Which realities would those be?
a) how loudly its Big Pharma supporters bitch and moan about heroin cutting into their Xanax and Valium sales
b) how loudly backbenchers complain about drug dealers driving down the values of their constituents’ property (as they order another round of Scotch and sodas – somebody better take away their keys!)
c) waiting for a really big event (ie: the start of World War III or another Liberal sponsorship scandal) to make the closing of a safe drug injection site seem insignificant (especially late on a Friday afternoon)
8) Match the statement to the American Supreme Court Justice who made it:
a) When asked whether the ill-treatment of prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison constituted cruel and unusual punishment, which is banned by the American Constitution: “No. To the contrary. You think – Has anybody ever referred to torture as punishment? I don’t think so… When he’s hurting you in order to get information from you, you wouldn’t say he’s punishing you. What is he punishing you for?”
b) “Is it really so easy to determine that smacking someone in the face to find out where he has hidden the bomb that is about to blow up Los Angeles is prohibited under the Constitution? Because smacking someone in the face would violate the 8th amendment in a prison context. You can’t go around smacking people about. Is it obvious that what can’t be done for punishment can’t be done to exact information that is crucial to this society? It’s not at all an easy question, to tell you the truth.”
c) “Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles . . . . He saved hundreds of thousands of lives. Are you going to convict Jack Bauer? Say that criminal law is against him? ‘You have the right to a jury trial?’ Is any jury going to convict Jack Bauer? I don’t think so. So the question is really whether we believe in these absolutes. And ought we believe in these absolutes.”
i) Antonin Scalia
ii) Antonin Scalia
iii) Antonin Scalia
9) Why is this man a Supreme Court Justice again?
a) hey! Scoff all you will, but you have to give him credit for not taking his legal precedents from Perry Mason!
b) he fills out the robes very nicely, and has the best legs on the bench since Thurgood Marshall
c) he really enjoys stroking President Bush’s…ego
10) Who or what is a “low information voter?”
a) a black and white voter whose image is fuzzy and whose voice cuts in and out every so often (not like today’s high def voters)
b) wouldn’t you like to know?
c) a voter who believes Sean Hannity is Edward R. Murrow (heaven help us all!)
11) Who or what is a “scuppie?”
a) a really scummy guppy
b) a low information consumer
c) one last, desperate attempt by marketing agencies to convince advertisers that they are still relevant
12) Who was that masked man?
a) that was no masked man – that was my wife!
b) it was a scuppie pretending to be a gruppie
c) I don’t know – who was he the last time you asked this question?
13) I’ve asked this question before?
a) I’m not sure – what was the answer the last time you asked this question?
b) no…oh, wait, are you talking about this question or the previous question? You know, for something that is supposed to easily convey meaning, the English language can be infuriatingly imprecise
c) ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR MEDS, GRAMPS? WANT ME TO TURN UP THE SOUND OF THE SNOW ON THE TV? DON’T YOU WORRY ABOUT YOUR SILLY “COMEDY” THING – THERE ARE YOUNGER PEOPLE WHO ARE DOING THAT NOW. YOU JUST REST. WANT A GLASS OF WATER?
14) If a band tours with only one original member, is it still the same band?
a) interesting. If I took every atom of your brain and, one by one, replaced them with a different atom, would you still insist that the Maple Leafs are going to win next year’s Stanley Cup?
b) yes, if only for marketing purposes
c) Yes (but only if the original member is Jon Anderson)
15) Who said, “It’s simply not accurate to say that because someone endorses me that I therefore embrace their views?”
a) John McCain (about Reverend John Hagee)
b) John McCain (about President George W. Bush)
c) Alfred E. Neuman (about John McCain)
16) Who is to blame for high oil and food prices?
a) Mr. Rattigan down the hall in number 13
b) there are complex forces at work here, starting with market supply and demand, but affected by such things as government subsidies, corporate greed, individual obliviousness and out of control weather patterns…but, let’s face it, that answer is too complicated, so let’s just say it’s Mr. Rattigan down the hall in number 13…and, what the hell, let’s throw in his wife Eleanor, too…
c) all right! I admit it – I did it! Yes, I did it, and I would do it again in a second! The dirty rats deserved it, see? Food and oil – pfah! What do they mean to me when I have the hand of Lorelei to win! I…I…I seem to be lost. Can you point me to the nearest Erle Stanley Gardner novel?
17) Who said: “We have a choice – either to change the way we live, which is unacceptable, or to change the way that they live; and we chose the latter.”
a) Osama bin Laden
b) Donald Rumsfeld
c) Donnie bin Osmand
18) Who are Goscinny and Uderzo?
a) a couple of skinny kids from the Bronx who revolutionized the sport of underwater downhill skiing
b) the vaudeville comedy team who unleashed the catchphrase, “Well, if I had known it was gonna be so delicate, I wouldn’t have asked your chiropractor for help!” on an unsuspecting world
c) a pair of cartoonists who had a lot of Gaul
19) Politicians are currently more popular than the alligators that live in the sewers (although not quite by the margin of error of the survey). Which of the following statements best sums up this feeling?
a) “Throw the bums out!”
b) “Throw the bums a party!”
c) “Throw the bums momma from the train!”
20) SARS…shootings…the high dollar…Evil Dead, The Musical – truly, nothing will be able to overcome recent problems and bring the tourists back to Toronto more than a new slogan. Which of the following proposed slogans is most likely to bring tourist dollars back to the city?
a) “Toronto – our prostitutes are the cleanest on the continent!”
b) “T-Dot: get your complimentary bullet proof vest at the border.”
c) “TO: communicable disease epidemic free since 2003!”