1) For $2,999.95, you can buy a coffin that is “finished with a painted Bacon and Pork shading.” But, it’s not actually made out of bacon. Why not?
a) that would just confuse the worms
b) funerals are not supposed to make people hungry
c) umm, shouldn’t the question be: why would anybody want to spend $2,999.95 on a coffin that is finished with a painted Bacon and Pork shading?
2) Okay. Fair point. Why would anybody want to spend $2,999.95 on a coffin that is finished with a painted Bacon and Pork shading?
a) to confuse the worms
b) it’s $2,999.95 less that my ungrateful whelps will stand to inherit (and, if they get hungry at the funeral, so much the better!)
c) some people want to die in the saddle, others with their boots on – these people want it known that they died with their fingers around a cholesterol bomb
3) According to a recent American Supreme Court decision, what are now grounds for policemen to subject you to a strip search?
a) bad breath
b) bad Karma
c) playing any song from Michael Jackson’s Bad
d) all of the above, and pretty much anything else they would care to think of
4) The Harper Government of Canada, which promotes Canadian history as a means of developing national pride, is letting the 30th anniversary of the repatriation of the Constitution and the establishment of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms pass with little fanfare. Why?
a) if you talk too loudly about rights, pretty soon everybody in the world will want them!
b) Repatriating the Constitution didn’t afford us the opportunity to kick American ass (and, umm, we say that with all due respect…)
c) that’s Liberal history. Why would the Harper Government of Canada want to celebrate Liberal history?
5) In times of economic uncertainty, who are you going to trust?
a) a voice on the radio that tells you that all of the problems are the fault of too much government regulation
b) a voice in your head that tells you that all of the problems are the fault of homosexuals in government and Islamic terrorists abroad
c) Bobby Clobber
d) other
6) How are religious debates different from Star Trek debates?
a) nobody can ever win a Star Trek debate. Ever
b) one is about poorly drawn and not especially convincing characters who exist in a fictional universe, and the other started on television
c) one offers a cure for toenail fungus and the other was responsible for the financial crisis of 2008
7) What is “nipple confusion?”
a) the odd notion some men have that women’s breasts are decorative rather than functional
b) a part of Freud’s Oedipus theory that modern psychologists are too embarrassed by to talk about at parties
c) painful
d) other
8) Are we obsessed with numbers?
a) 42
b) 000111101111010001111111111001100111000000000000 (and, I say that as a friend)
c) 27 per cent of us are “highly obsessed with numbers,” 14 per cent are “somewhat obsessed with numbers” and the rest don’t count
9) What do they even mean?
a) not much – they can tell us the salinity of a child’s tears, but they can’t tell us what motivated the child to try to jump over the moon
b) quite a lot, actually – 000111101111010001111101111001100111000000001000 (especially if you ever say that to me again!)
c) everything – EVERYTHING, I TELL YOU! CORN FUTURES FROM 1937 ARE CONNECTED TO THE AVERAGE FUEL CONSUMPTION OF MEXICAN PYGMY RHINOCERUS FARMS (ADJUSTED FOR ANNUAL ESTIMATES OF HURRICANE DAMAGE), IF ONLY I COULD FIGURE OUT HOW! Sob! If only I could figure out how…
10) What should the United States declare “war” on next?
a) bell bottom trousers
b) words ending in “osititis”
c) declaring war on nouns
11) We know that people slowly lose their “cool” as they get older. Where does the cool go as people age?
a) Silicon Valley (except, ironically, for the offices of Cool.com)
b) a planet orbiting Tau Ceti (and, doesn’t that knowledge make you want to support space travel?)
c) Brad Pitt (but it’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make for the cool of humanity)
12) What should you never do in a restaurant?
a) declare war on bell bottom trousers
b) declare war on a country that hasn’t attacked you (even if it was giving back glares)
c) the rumba (well, not before dessert, in any case)
d) other
13) What would Canada be without nature?
a) Detroit without the sulphuric sense of humour
b) better able to exploit its resources without pesky environmentalists always spoiling everybody’s fun
c) uninhabitable
14) According to the Globe and Mail: “To increase the quantity (not to mention the quality) of newcomers, the country needs a much stronger sell.” What slogan would “help ‘Brand Canada’ outshine the competition?”
a) Canada: Where the Mild Things Are
b) Canada: Saudi Arabia without the Hatred of Israel
c) Canada: Now Run Using Bad Corporate Managementese – HELP US, SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HELP US!
15) What exactly is an otolaryngologist?
a) somebody who studies Cheri Oteri’s ear, nose and throat
b) I have no idea, but I’m sure it’s smutty – YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR ASKING!
c) somebody who can only get sexually aroused in the presence of an otolayrng
d) (I’m a little scared about what you might come up with, but) other
16) If a proposed “no-fault dismissal” law had not been abandoned by the Cameron government, what grounds would British companies have had for firing employees?
a) premeditated pregnancy
b) intentionally and with malice of forethought having digits or entire limbs cut off by power saws (especially those in the accounting department)
c) unpremeditated pregnancy
d) complaining about unfair dismissal laws
e) breathing
f) other
17) The Globe and Mail asked: what would a Canada of 100 million feel like? Good question. What would a Canada of 100 million feel like?
a) New Delhi, but without the curry or acid jazz
b) a soft flannel pyjama top that had been put through the washing machine one too many times and now just feels worn and ratty around the edges
c) it needed a good, stiff drink (or, possibly, 100 million)
d) other
18) British company PFC Auctions is selling a vial of blood that it claims was taken from American President Ronald Reagan when he was in hospital after a 1981 assassination attempt. How creepy is that?
a) Facebook stalker creepy
b) Gwyneth Paltrow skinny creepy
c) Johnny Depp as Barnabas Collins in Dark Shadows creepy (which, admittedly, isn’t all that creepy…)
19) The seller of the blood released a statement that read, in part, “I was a real fan of Reaganomics and felt that President Reagan himself would rather see me sell it rather than donating it” to something like the Ronald Reagan Library and Museum. How self-serving is that?
a) Mandarin buffet self-serving
b) Mitt Romney claiming he couldn’t really remember a homophobic hazing he led in high school self-serving
c) Conservatives declaring victory in Afghanistan while pulling all Canadian troops out of the country self-serving
20) According to Michael Geist, the Canadian government has been meeting in secret with telecom providers to discuss ways of implementing online surveillance. One of the proposed measures under discussion would require service providers to disclose certain subscriber information without a warrant within 48 hours and within 30 minutes in exceptional circumstances. What would constitute exceptional circumstances?
a) bad breath
b) bad Karma
c) owning a DVD copy of Bad Boys
d) all of the above, and pretty much anything else they would care to think of