581) When Deputy Secretary of State Robert Zoellick visited Sudan last April, he back-pedaled furiously on Darfur: “It’s been a terrible series of events,” Zoellick said, “and as you know, there’s a debate. The [UN] did a legal analysis of whether this was a genocide, and their conclusion was that it was crimes against humanity, as opposed to genocide.” What’s the difference?
a) with six crimes against humanity, you get egg rolls
b) if you’re going to take part in a genocide, you should really wear a snappy uniform; for crimes against humanity, not so much
c) not much when you’re the one dying
582) Are you a heartless bastard?
a) no, and I have the x-rays and birth certificate to prove it
b) that depends upon what your definition of “a” is
c) I’m not sure – do you mean that in a good way?
583) Dennis Hastert defended himself against charges that he should have done something about Mark Foley as soon as he found out about the Congressman’s inappropriate emails to pages while standing in front of a cemetery. What message was Hastert trying to convey?
a) you wanna piece of me? Come and get it, cuz I ain’t afraid of nothing, bitch.
b) he’ll bury anybody who tries to unseat him
c) he hasn’t been the same since the end of Six Feet Under
584) The Republicans now argue that Foley’s behaviour was known by the Democrats years ago (apparently, even before the Republicans knew about it), and the reason they leaked it now was to gain political advantage in the upcoming midterm elections. How stupid do they think the American people are?
a) gnaw your own arm off even though it isn’t caught in a bear trap stupid
b) have anal sex because everybody knows you can’t catch a sexually transmitted disease that way stupid
c) die because you forgot to keep breathing stupid
d) ermm…I’m sorry, were you – were you talking to me? I was watching Deal or No Deal stupid
585) Speaker Dennis Hastert dismissed the Foley emails as being merely “over-friendly” and White House press secretary Tony Snow describing them as “naughty.” How would they have described them if Bill Clinton had sent them?
a) abominable
b) an attack on the nation’s youth
c) typical liberal sleeze
d) you mean Bill Clinton didn’t send them?
586) A friend of yours is told that he will be given $10, which he has to share with you. The catch is that if you aren’t given as much as you would like, you can refuse it, in which case neither of you gets anything. Your friend offers to give you $2. What do you do?
a) thank him kindly and accept the $2 because, what the hell, it was $2 more than you had to begin with
b) whine about how the nanny state is destroying relationships between people, and if your friend had gone out and earned that $10, you could have earned the $2 in secondary markets and everybody would have been happy (except, perhaps, for the researcher who conducted the experiment, but those ivory tower academics should try to live in the real world!)
c) headbutt your friend in the face, breaking his nose, and take the $10 while he’s trying to stanch the bleeding
587) Republicans are crowing because the federal deficit, which had been estimated at $285 billion, will only come in at around $250. What is this like?
a) exulting because you were killed by a single bullet to the brain rather than having your body incinerated
b) thrilling to the fact that, although you lost your job and have been blackballed in your field, you haven’t been exempted from picking recyclable garbage out of dumps…yet…
c) being grateful your girlfriend only gave you syphilis instead of AIDS
588) American Army Chief of Staff Gen. Peter Schoomaker stated that he was now planning for the possibility of maintaining present force levels in Iraq through 2010. How did he pick the date 2010?
a) according to Arthur C. Clarke, that’s when we will make contact with the aliens from 2001, and Schoomaker was hoping that since they were so advanced, they would be able to develop a plan for peace with honour in Iraq
b) that’s when the permanent American bases in Iraq will be complete, allowing troops to finally say mission accompli…wait a minute…
c) that’s when the United States will officially declare bankruptcy
589) What are the odds that the Ontario government’s proposed ban on advertising for Internet gambling is motivated by a desire to protect sanctioned gambling activities from which it benefits, like lotteries?
a) 100 to 1
b) 1 to 100
c) friend, do you know what a sucker bet is…?
590) According to a National Association of Evangelicals press release: “NAE theologians and scholars have conducted a thorough exegetical study of the biblical texts concerning the person, disposition and earthy manifestations of Satan (Beelzebub, Lucifer, Prince of Darkness). They have incontrovertibly concluded that, contrary to the assertion of Hugo Chavez, President Bush is not the Devil.” Who do they believe is the Devil?
a) Don’t Tickle Me There Elmo
b) David Hasselhoff (oh, like at this point anybody could be surprised)
c) Madonna (but we think they may be biased…)
591) Why is the Canadian government considering changing the rules to allow people who weigh as much as 400 pounds to join the army?
a) from now on, the government hopes the Americans will judge our contribution to the war on terror by weight
b) the heavier our soldiers are, the more likely they will be able to keep our flimsy tanks from blowing off the Kabul-Kandahar-Herat Highway in a stiff breeze
c) they have better protective padding than the body armour the army has given them
592) A man running for the school board in my riding is named Mitchell Worsoff. What is his best bet for a campaign slogan?
a) Vote for Me: You’ll be no Worsoff
b) Vote for Me: You couldn’t get any Worsoff
c) there is no good campaign slogan for a candidate named Worsoff
593) When Democrats suggest the creation of a timetable for withdrawal of troops from Iraq, they are accused of being in favour of a “cut and run” policy. Now that a bi-patrisan commission headed by Bush family Consigliere James Baker is suggesting the creation of a timetable for withdrawal of troops from Iraq, what will the policy be called?
a) “dice and dash”
b) “slash and scurry”
c) oh, it will still be called “cut and run,” only now the Republicans will claim it’s a good policy that they’ve always followed, and that the Democrats have been obstructing it since the beginning of the war
594) What’s the difference between the slides at the Tate Modern Museum and the slides at your child’s playground?
a) the slides at the Tate are “ironic”
b) the slides at your child’s playground don’t come with a $500 catalogue
c) children don’t call going down a slide “a playground for the body” or “simultaneous delight, madness and voluptuous panic;” they call it “fun”
595) Mayoral wannabe Jane Pitfield says she wants to eliminate “aggressive panhandling” from the streets of Toronto. What, exactly, is aggressive panhandling?
a) “Please, sir, may I have some more?”
b) “…ecause the Zoolandrians get into our heads through our nasal passages when we’re three years old – BASTARDS! We’re only three years old! We can’t defend our – WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? I’m trying to save you from a Zoolandrian invasion! Don’t look at me! Look in your nasal passages!”
c) when you crack the concrete streets with your pan hoping to find the gold beneath the surface
596) For five and a half years, Republican Congressman Don Sherwood lived with a 23 year-old woman in Washington who was – horror of horrors – not his wife. Recently, Sherwood entered into a secret financial settlement with the woman after she sued him for repeated physical abuse. Suppose you’re Vice President Dick Cheney. I know, I know – stay away from small children. Still, as Dick Cheney, what do you?
a) explain to your religious base that accidents will happen, but, hey, at least Sherwood showed that he knew how to keep a woman in her place
b) help Sherwood raise campaign funds because, you know, he may be a prick, but at least he’s our prick
c) re-impeach Bill Clinton
597) Though the Bush administration says the United States is committed to “the exploration and use of outer space by all nations for peaceful purposes, and the for the benefit of all humanity,” it goes on to say that “peaceful purposes” includes “US defense and intelligence-related activities in pursuit of national interests.” How is this possible?
a) Dick Cheney (there he is again!) shot the peace dove and roasted it with chestnuts and a pinch of fennel
b) Bush personally oversaw the detainment and torture of George Orwell’s novel Nineteen Eighty-Four
c) did you just disparage the government’s position on weapons in space? Don’t deny it! – we overheard you with one of our spy satellites! You might want to think twice before you utter sentiments like that again…
598) In response to criticism in Justice Dennis O’Connor’s report on the Maher Arar affair, CSIS Director Jim Judd said that the Canadian spy organization now informs its intelligence partners with poor human rights records that they should be nicer to the Canadians they jail. How stupid does Judd think the Canadian people are?
a) gnaw your own leg off even though it isn’t caught in a bear trap stupid
b) spend weeks planning a party for Oscars night stupid
c) sounds good to me, I mean all a country like Syria really needed to stop torturing people was to be asked politely stupid
599) According to O’Connor’s report, questions submitted by CSIS through a third party to a foreign nation may have been used to interrogate a Canadian citizen “in a manner that violated his human rights.” Hmm…which rights could he possibly be referring to?
a) the right not to have to listen to Bryan Adams…for 36 straight hours…at ear-splitting decibel levels…
b) the right not to have to go swimming…with your face…
c) the right not to have your privacy invaded…by broom handles, flashlights and a delightful variety of other blunt instruments…
600) According to a study by the United States government, hamsters produce roughly three times as much sperm as men, 160 million per millilitre to about 60 million. What does this mean?
a) it’s only a matter of time before hamsters become our overlords, so you’d best start teaching your children Hamsterese
b) Americans’ tax dollars are being well spent
c) the Americans were right not to go metric