861) What is fratire?
a) the murder of everybody in Alpha Alpha Tau
b) the reason you keep a spare in the trunk
c) a French delicacy with ingredients too disgusting to list in a family publication
862) In 1989, a year after thousands of people were killed in the suppression of a popular uprising in Rangoon, the ruling military junta changed the country’s name from Burma to Myanmar. Given the current slaughter of Buddhist monks and their supporters, what will the military government have to change the name of the country to this time?
a) Indigestistan
b) Happy, Shiny People Place
c) Mudd
863) According to the Journal de Montreal, Liberal Party national director Jamie Carroll, responding to pressure to hire more Quebeckers, said, “If I hire more Quebeckers, will I also have to hire more Chinese?” He later said his remarks were twisted. How could such a sentiment be twisted?
a) he meant it in the pluperfect, but people heard it in the abject subjunctive
b) it was brought up in a home where its parent sentiments were always at odds with each other. As it grew up, the pressure on it to choose one or the other became too great, and it retreated into a violent fantasy world. Of course, the ostracism it found from other remarks in books of quotations only fuelled its loneliness and despair. Honestly, if you had grown up under such conditions, wouldn’t you be a little twisted?
c) in the wind, baby, in the wind
864) If it proves to be what he actually said, who should be the most offended by the remark?
a) Quebeckers
b) Chinese
c) itinerant pot glazers
d) other
865) Rank the following as the stupidest way to die, from most to least:
a) saturating your body with Axe Body Spray and setting yourself on fire
b) stealing a garbage bin, setting fire to it, immersing your head in the thick black smoke and inhaling
c) telling Fred Thompson he looks like Benito Mussolini
866) If you could be anybody in the world, who would you be?
a) Fred Thompson
b) Eva Longoria
c) Mark Mothersbaugh
867) Why?
a) I have a fetish for fashion models pretending to be lawyers
b) I just want all that free lacy underwear!
c) if you have to ask, you obviously weren’t paying attention to the 1980s! Now, where’s my flower pot hat!
868) How do you battle a sleep deficit?
a) lower interest rates, increase taxes and try to get some exercise before you go to bed at night
b) create public works projects to stimulate the economy, hoping to thereby grow the tax base, and ask your doctor for pills that will help you go to sleep at night
c) cry yourself to sleep, because the world economy is too big and too interconnected for you to do anything about any more
869) Why is Hillary Clinton laughing?
a) oh, there’s a bug in a sub-routine somewhere, but her campaign IT team is on it
b) it’s a private joke between her and 40 million of her closest friends
c) it’s a side effect of the ether she takes before public appearances
870) Liberal leader Stephane Dion said he might let the Conservative Throne Speech pass provided it wasn’t outrageous, radical or very right-wing. What should have been his first clue that that wasn’t going to happen?
a) timing: the Throne Speech will be delivered when Dion’s entire caucus is in the bathroom
b) content: the recent leak that a key element of the Throne Speech will be tax breaks for oil companies that drive SUVs over polar bears while environmentalists are tied up by the side of the road forcing them to watch helplessly
c) delivery: Stephen Harper’s smirk
871) Yeah, Stephen Harper’s smirk is developing Bush-like proportions, isn’t it?
a) that’s probably not what all those American Republican advisers he’s been meeting with wanted him to take away from their time together, but at least it wasn’t time entirely wasted
b) it pays to learn from the master
c) that’s a…rhetorical question, isn’t it? You don’t expect me to answer it…do you?
872) When somebody says they’re having “one of those days,” which days are they referring to?
a) Wednesdays
b) those lazy, hazy, crazy summer days of their youth that seemed to go on forever
c) I’m not sure, but I know it’s not coming from the “one of these days” pile that sits next to the door to the room
873) The steel being used for the wall that the United States is building along its border with Mexico was imported from China, and, to nobody’s surprise but the American government’s, it doesn’t meet American government standards. How does the American government spin this so that it doesn’t look completely dopey?
a) the lead in the steel will kill any Mexicans illegally crossing the border…as long as the government can figure out a way to convince the Mexicans to lick the wall…
b) the steel wall will collapse, killing any Mexicans illegally crossing the border
c) by the time the press reports on it, a new government will have been elected in Washington, and they’ll just blame it on the old guy
874) What is “authoritarian submission?”
a) I don’t know – ich bin ein Berliner
b) the only reason President Bush still enjoys a 23 per cent approval rating
c) yellow
875) What is the hippocampus?
a) a university where the big man on campus is really big…and isn’t really a man
b) the part of your brain used primarily to smell cheese
c) the in place to pitch your tent this summer
876) What is “righteous software?”
a) a computer programme that keeps track of your sins and tells you what you have to do to atone in order to get to heaven
b) a computer programme that reminds you that everything that gives you joy in life is wrong on so many levels
c) aww, dude, if you have to ask, you really need to mellow out
877) Why didn’t J. K. Rowling make it clearer in any of the Harry Potter books that Dumbledore was gay?
a) she was worried about offending the Christian fundamentalists who hadn’t previously accused her the books of containing paganism (all three of them)
b) she was being advised by the same people who advised Stephane Dion to accept the Conservative Throne Speech
c) she was too busy counting her money, and it just slipped her mind
878) Was her announcement of Dumbledore’s sexuality cowardice or courage?
a) cowardice
b) courage
c) let’s wait and see what the Nobel Prize Literature committee decides…
879) What will be the next big Harry Potter revelation?
a) Ron kept pornographic pictures of Professor McGonigal in his trunk
b) in her third year at Hogwarts, Hermione was almost expelled for gambling on illegal dragon fights secretly held by Hagrid
c) that it’s really no big revelation that Dumbledore was gay
880) What does the American military consider an “unacceptable mistake?”
a) the fact that nuclear-armed missiles were flown from one army base to another within the United States
b) the fact that the press found out about nuclear-armed missiles that were flown from one army base to another within the United States
c) the fact that people like me make fun of the fact that the press found out about nuclear-armed missiles that were flown from one army base to another within the United States