Tax forms. Credit card applications. Magazine subscription forms. Television viewing surveys. Magazine unsubscription forms. Employment application forms. Best eighties hard rock songs ever listener poll… When you entered (however reluctantly) the information age, you were probably lured with promises of vast stores of knowledge at your fingertips. (Don’t worry, vast stores of knowledge can be removed with a single wipe of a damp cloth.) Nobody ever told you that you would have to give a lot of your very own personal information back, did they?
Well, where did you think those vast stores of knowledge came from, anyway? Bangalore?
The following survey was written with the express purpose of not being filled out. Humanity’s vast stores of knowledge can do quite well without it, thank you very much. If you are moved by an irresistible force beyond human reckoning to fill it out, whatever you do don’t send completed surveys back to us! We’re busy trying to make sure Aerosmith’s “Walk This Way” wins!
1) What is your favourite fruit to make jam with?
a) apples
b) oranges
c) peaches
d) plums
e) pears
f) marmosets
g) piston engines
h) other
2) What is that grainy stuff you find in some jams?
a) picton
b) pectin
c) piton
d) Penticton
e) Paxton
Oh. I get it. Currant affairs. Very funny. But, you know what? I don’t believe you can sustain the jam joke for an entire 20 question survey, so why don’t you return to questions about current affairs?
3) Phew! Okay. What should we make of the Bush Administration’s attempts to railroad Zacarias Moussaoui, who was at best a minor figure in the terrorist attack on New York and Washington, into a death penalty?
a) President Bush is obviously nostalgic for his days as Governor of Texas
b) the civilian justice system seems to be working…so it obviously can’t be trusted
c) they don’t call it the Execut(iv)e Branch for nothing!
4) Why are TV and radio shows featuring political pundits arguing with each other called “talking heads shows?”
a) because “screaming at everybody without listening to what anybody else has to say show” is too long to fit in a TV Guide blurb
b) to give David Byrne an opportunity to be ironic
c) because nobody would want to appear on a “talking out your ass show”
5) Snapple has paid $166 million to become the official drink of New York City. If the city wants to make real big bucks, what should it do?
a) replace the baubles on New York City’s Christmas tree with Disney related ornaments
b) make wearing baseball caps with the name of the latest Universal movie to be released a mandatory condition of parole for all convicted crack dealers
c) make driving a Mercedes a mandatory condition of parole for all convicted insider traders
d) all of the above, and then some
6) In the 1980s, the slogan of progressives challenging repressive governments was “The world is watching.” How should this be updated in a time of instant Internet access and a 500 channel universe?
a) “The world is watching with one hand in a bowl of popcorn and the other on the remote, so your suffering better be entertaining.”
b) “The world is out right now, but at the sound of the tone, please leave your name, number and a brief explanation of why your suffering deserves the world’s attention, and if we think your plight will help us boost our ratings the world will get back to you.”
c) “The World, Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp – “We do international stuff -” is watching for potential copyright infringement.”
7) What approach did Chairman Conrad Black use to try to convince companies to invest in his financially ailing Hollinger Company?
a) “Charles! Hullo! Spare a few million for an old friend? I’m afraid I’ve had a rash of bad investment decisions and I’m having a spot of trouble paying the stableman’s wages. And, the groundskeeper’s fees – they would already have bankrupted a lesser man! Well, maybe 100 or 150 – you know I’m good for it. Good man!”
b) “This is the greatest journalistic enterprise since the disciplines wrote their versions of the New Testament! You should be grateful I’m giving you the opportunity to bail out the – hey! Come back here! I’m not finished!”
c) “Please, sirs, can I have some more?”
8) According to Chief Executive Ted Rogers, Rogers Communications will match the discount prices on bundles of services offered by Bell Canada. But, when he made this announcement, he warned that a prolonged price war would hurt consumers, the companies and the economies as a whole. And, he was being optimistic! What other ills come from competition in the marketplace?
a) an increase in the occurrence of tropical diseases
b) seven years of broken mirrors
c) increased alcoholism as a reaction to too much consumer choice
d) another year of Royal Canadian Air Farce
9) Gunmaker Smith & Wesson Holding Corp., is putting out a line of home décor, clothing and jewelry. What are you most looking forward to buying out of its first Crossings catalogue?
a) curtains with a tasteful “splattered brains” motif
b) cowgirl pillows inset with bullet casings
c) miniature spilled gut earrings in gold, silver and platinum
10) What would it take to get you to stop being apathetic and get out and vote?
a) free lollipops. I mean, dentists give away free lollipops, and voting isn’t quite as bad as going to the dentist, right?
b) more high quality candidates like Mary Carey
c) serious discussion of the issues in debates and the press
11) How do you know when you’re working from home?
a) you blame the fact that the coffee pot is empty on a three year old child
b) trading office gossip is actually a mild form of schizophrenia
c) it’s Casual Friday…every day!
12) There is a President George W. Bush action figure in full aircraft pilot gear. What is the best way to play with it?
a) hide it in a closet and pretend it’s running away from a tour of duty in Vietnam
b) cut its legs off with a cleaver and pretend it has just survived the explosion of a landmine
c) smash it with a hammer and pretend it has just died in a cluster bomb attack
d) melt it with a blowtorch and pretend it has just been incinerated by a bunker buster bomb
13) Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
a) is that a cliché in your writing, or are you just being ironic with me?
b) sex and violence, violence and sex – is that all any of you “media types” think about? I hope you get letters, lots and lots of letters
c) yes
14) Which of the following women, all of whom would be bad for you, are you the most attracted to?
a) Lizzie Borden
b) Aileen Wournos
c) Ann Coulter
15) What is your initial reaction to the possibility that Mike Harris could lead a united federal right-wing party?
a) I hear Lebanon is nice this time of year
b) maybe it’s time we gave up and let the United States take over Canada
c) Paul Martin is looking better and better all the time
16) What is your carefully considered reaction to the possibility that Mike Harris could lead a united federal right-wing party?
a) AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGHH!
b) Yikes! Eek! Aaiiee! Gurgle gurgle snorf!
c) I suppose it could…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
d) OOOOOOTTTTTHHHHEEERRR
17) Which neo-con disaster is the most ironic?
a) Pat Robertson suggesting that the American State Department be nuked because of its insistence on imposing economic sanctions against (former) Liberian dictator Charles Taylor (without mentioning that Taylor was Robertson’s business partner in a Liberian gold mining venture)
b) William Bennett, a crusader against the moral decay that accompanies the unrestrained pursuit of vice, losing $8 million at casinos
c) Rush Limbaugh, who once said that drug abusers “ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up,” having to admit that he was addicted to opiate-based painkillers
17a) Which person is likely to get the most sympathetic support from a hypocritical conservative press?
18) Federal Progressive Conservative Party leader Peter Mackay claims he’s using crutches to get around because he injured his knee playing rugby. What’s the real reason?
a) he tripped over the issue of merging with the Canadian Alliance Party
b) he got between Paul Martin and Jean Chretien in the corridors of power
c) David Orchard and Joe Clark took up a collection…
19) Which of the following words is the most horrendous verbization?
a) to columnize
b) to architect
c) to kumquatify
d) to verbize
20) The New Democratic Party has a feature on its Web site that allows surfers to look at Prime Minister in Waiting Paul Martin’s corporate history. If they really want to grab the attention of Canadian voters, what should they have on the Web site?
a) pop up video of the Liberal leadership convention
b) Jack Layton’s Web log where he explains why he feels Jack Black really hasn’t captured the essence of the rock and roll experience in School of Rock and why CSI Brampton is his favourite television show
c) a realistic assessment of the NDP’s chances in the next federal election