You’re sitting in your cubicle, the same cubicle you’ve been working in for the last 13 years, pretending to do…something worthwhile for the company that pays your bills – barely. But, of course, you’re playing solitaire or mine sweeper or any of the other games your boss thought had been removed from your computer and calculating the number of months to your retirement. Days. Hours. Minutes…
You need a new diversion. How many times can you play solitaire before you want to put your head through your computer screen? Maybe…maybe a quiz on topical subjects is just what you need to dull the torture of office ennui. Maybe…
So, feel free to complete the following quiz. Whatever you do, though, do not return completed quizzes to us! We’re too busy playing Sim Office Worker!
1) What is the difference between Saddam Hussein torturing Iraqis and American soldiers torturing Iraqis?
a) when American soldiers torture Iraqis, they do it in the name of freedom and democracy
b) Saddam Hussein tortured people he claimed to be his enemies, while the Americans are torturing people they claim to be their friends
c) Saddam Hussein would rather be feared than loved
d) not much, if you’re one of the Iraqis being tortured
2) What were you doing during the broadcast of the Genies?
a) waxing my bikini
b) electrocuting myself by accidentally trying to hook up my cable line to the electrical line – well, it seemed like a good idea at the time
c) sleeping – but, then somebody changed the channel
3) Why is the Conservative Party courting Don Cherry as a candidate?
a) the Conservatives want to put their roots in the Alliance Party – which had a reputation as a lunatic fringe with candidates who shot off at the mouth and didn’t care who they offended – behind them
b) leader Stephen Harper would like a candidate who can make his dress sense look good
c) it’s the closest they’ll ever get to poking the CBC in the eye with a sharp stick – well, at least until they form a government…
4) What’s the difference between the American torture of Iraqi prisoners and a hazing at an American college fraternity?
a) the Iraqis won’t be getting fraternity pins when it’s all over
b) the Iraqis probably won’t be doing business with their torturers when it’s all over
c) President Bush won’t be apologizing for any fraternity hazings (although it’s certainly possible that the Skull and Crossbones member attended his share)
5) Why did Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz tell Congress that the American death toll in Iraq was “approximately 500?”
a) the correct number at the time – 722 – is only 56 digits away from the Number of the Beast, and Wolfowitz was scared…very scared…
b) he’s inhumourate…uhh, innumerable…that is – he doesn’t count so good!
c) he got the number confused with how many thousand votes George W. is going to lose the next election by – not that that makes much difference…
6) The Canadian government is being urged to pass tough laws against Spam, which its opponents claim could ruin the economy. How do they figure this?
a) consumers will spend so much time erasing messages from their email inboxes that they’ll forget to buy houses, cars, and possibly food
b) people will be so excited by emails asking for help getting millions of dollars out of Nigeria that they won’t pay attention to emails asking them to invest in companies like Enron, WorldCom or Nortel
c) beats me. Considering that most of the spam I get involves pitches to buy penis lengtheners, subscriptions to porn Web sites or a variety of drugs, it seems to me that it’s actually helping the economy
7) How do you feel about cell phones that take pictures?
a) I never thought Big Brother would be, you know, my big brother
b) about the same way I feel about microwave ovens that can take long distance phone calls
c) you know, I’ve always wanted to a porn star – I just wish I had been given enough warning to lose a few pounds…
d) I’m sure the frog in the snake’s belly has an instinctual knowledge of the implications of convergence
8) Why is the only election promise Dalton McGuinty’s Liberal Party in Ontario seems determined not to break the one about not raising taxes?
a) good schools are overrated
b) the whole government has been mesmerized by snakes posing as economists; I can’t wait to see what legislation they’ll come up with after they see the Indian rope trick
c) his only friend when he was growing up was a sock puppet with a hole in the big toe
9) How do you come up with so many questions for What the Heck Do You Know?
a) I’m terminally confused
b) you’re not asking the right question; you should be asking how the world comes up with so many things that I don’t understand
c) hang a right a Greenland
d) other
10) Under the guise of protecting fetuses when their mothers are the victims of violence, the American Unborn Victims of Violence Act undermines abortion rights by defining a fetus as equal in status to an adult. How is a fetus like an adult?
a) both a fetus and an adult can get drunk, smash their car into a tree and plead innocent at their subsequent trial
b) both a fetus and an adult can swear that they’re being completely honest with you while lying about an affair they’re having with your best friend
c) both a fetus and an adult can pass stupid laws that restrict the rights of living, breathing people in the name of misrepresented religious ideals
11) What’s the difference between American soldiers torturing Iraqi detainees and American prison guards torturing America convicts?
a) only a minority of prisoners in American jails are innocent of any criminal wrongdoing
b) please! Everybody knows American prison guards torture American convicts – it’s old news!
c) torturing American convicts is just a job, but torturing Iraqi detainees is a patriotic act
12) The Canadian Food Inspection Agency has given an Unsatisfactory rating to, among other “health” food products, the EAS Myoplex Protein Shake. How will this affect your life?
a) pass the oreos, ma, I’m off my diet for good!
b) the Sobe A-Rush Energy Drink was given an Investigative rating, so as soon as I have enough energy to get off my couch, I’ll be switching to that one
c) I’ll be the laughingstock of my “health” food products support group, because I don’t have the faintest idea what an EAS Myoplex Protein Shake is
13) What will happen when the price of gasoline goes over a dollar a litre?
a) the evil OPEC fairy will have a brain aneurysm
b) the evil recession fairy will grin and say, “You could have reduced your dependency on oil after 9/11, but did you pay attention to the warning…?”
c) gasoline will still be half the price in Canada as it is in Europe
14) Do you have any leftover answers from previous quizzes?
a) none of the above
b) some of the above
c) the copyright owner of soup
d) all of the above
15) Pat Tillman gave up a professional football career to fight in Afghanistan, where he was killed. Would you bid for a finger bone in a jar the seller claimed to be Tillman’s on eBay?
a) not until he was properly canonized by the Pope…or, at least, James Bowden
b) it depends – is it from his ball hand?
c) no way, man, that’s really, really sick…how much?
16) In the film Troy, Brad Pitt is as believable playing the role of Achilles as…
a) Hammie Hampster would be playing Agamemnon.
b) Paul Martin is playing a Liberal Prime Minister.
c) kitty litter would be representing the Red Sea.
17) What is the difference between a frog and a toad?
a) toads don’t make good fairy tale characters
b) frogs never get to say, “If I toad you once…”
c) frogs cannot expect to be loved “warts and all”
18) What’s the difference between being tortured by an American soldier and a private contractor hired by the American military?
a) to get justice from a private contractor, you have to jerk a whole different chain of command
b) the private contractor makes more in an hour than the soldier makes in a week, and has a better benefits and retirement package
c) the private contractor likely has far more training in questioning recalcitrant foreign nationals – and, let’s face it, if you’re going to be sexually humiliated, you want to be sexually humiliated by a pro
19) Former hockey great Ken Dryden will be running for Parliament in the next election. Match the headline with the publication it will likely run in.
a) “Dryden to save Liberals in York Centre”
b) “Dryden attempts to shut out surging Conservatives”
c) “Last night’s winning lotto numbers”
i) Toronto Sun
ii) Wetaskewin Post and Headache
iii) Keswick Gleaner
20) Conservative Party Leader Stephen Harper said in 2003 that not joining the American war effort was “a grave error…that has betrayed Canada’s history and values.” How can he now say he opposed sending Canadian troops to Iraq?
a) he learned everything he knows about Canada’s history and values from the backs of hockey cards
b) his idea of a grave error is mixing red wine with beer
c) he hopes nobody was really paying much attention to what he was saying way back last year