This edition of What the Heck Do You Know? has been specially formatted to be read on Blackberrys, Blueberrys, PDAs, PDFs, PDQs and other electronic devices. Now, it is possible to plumb the depths of your lack of knowledge in a variety of platforms!
Thanks to modern technology, you can be filling out the following quiz while sitting in your office pretending to work, while driving home in rush hour traffic, even while sitting at the dinner table pretending to listen to the latest rant from your significant other! (NOTE: Les Pages aux Folles accepts no responsibility for loss of employment, divorce, car crash or other adverse circumstances arising out of improper use of What the Heck Do You Know? or any of its other fine features.)
Whatever you do, don’t send completed surveys to us! We still think blackberries are best for making jam!
1) Alberta Premier Ralph Klein is threatening to violate the Health Act, undermining universal health care, if measures aren’t taken to his satisfaction to control health care costs. Is this…
a) an opening bargaining position?
b) more of the same from a politician who has long wanted to privatize his province’s health care system?
c) the first signs of Mad Politician Disease?
2) Who most benefits from increasing the use of Caesarian sections among pregnant women, as suggested by the Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists of Canada?
a) doctors, who can get to the golf club that much faster
b) anesthetists, who can get back to their card games that much faster
c) nurses, who can get back to their station and trade barbed comments with passing doctors on their way to the golf club that much faster
3) Has every variation of the policeman/donut joke been played out?
a) pretty much, but the one on Interstate 47 with the buxom blonde and the truck that drops its load of chicken beaks still elicits a chuckle
b) maybe, but now that we can substitute Krispy Kremes for donuts we can go through them all once again
c) some jokes never get old, man
4) The mud-slinging in the 2004 American Presidential election has begun. What is the worst accusation the Republicans are making against Democratic frontrunner John Kerry?
a) he served in Vietnam (President Bush didn’t)
b) he protested against the Vietnam war (President Bush certainly didn’t)
c) he can speak French
5) Why would the Bush administration want to have the abortion records of Planned Parenthood clinics?
a) because patient-doctor privilege is such a bourgeois concept
b) to give the women who had abortions commendations for exercising their right to do whatever they wanted to with their own bodies
c) they plan to name all the aborted fetuses and create a fantasy world in which they all lived and grew up to be Republicans
6) What would you least like to hear in the subway?
a) “Wwwrrof bleat ssssssshhhhhst woof woof woof cleared up in a few ssshhhst wwrrof…”
b) “I’ve been waiting for over an hour – subway should be here any minute now…”
c) “Do you smell that? It’s kind of a…burnt meat kind of smell…”
7) Why would the American government decide to close Iraq’s Al Hawza newspaper?
a) because a free press is the cornerstone of democracy, and the US wanted to show the world its commitment to building democracy in Iraq
b) oh, lighten up – Al Hawza doesn’t run cartoons, so it can’t be considered a real newspaper!
c) because it can’t close down The Washington Post
d) because Iraq’s Sunni Muslims weren’t putting up enough of a fight, so the US decided to incite the country’s Shiite Muslims to join them
8) “Many of us made it to the chief executive position because of a particularly high degree of responsibility and commitment to our jobs throughout our careers. Too often we put the job first, sacrificing family and personal interests,” disgraced Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski wrote in 1995. How?
a) it was actually his good twin brother
b) hey! – irony was still in full force back then
c) he was getting a head start on his defence
9) Rupert Murdoch is planning on moving the corporate headquarters of News Corporation to New York. How does he plan on keeping the company’s Australian identity?
a) by running Russell Crowe marathons on all of his Fox affiliates
b) by running the picture on Fox News upside down
c) by hanging a picture of Queensland in the corporate headquarters…not next to pictures of the Network’s stars, of course…in a hallway…in the back…that’s not very well lit…
10) What is the most creative use of the Synfuels tax credit for companies that reprocess coal to create new synthetic fuels?
a) cutting coal with oreo cookies
b) storing coal at the bottom of a swimming pool in an Las Vegas hotel to see what effect overweight swimmers would have on it
c) cutting the coal with low grade crude
11) Former NFL cheerleader Melana said landing the main part on the reality TV show Average Joe was “a dream come true.” How can landing the main part on a reality TV show called Average Joe be a dream come true?
a) she must have had cruel, cruel parents
b) the inflation rate of personal dreams has eroded their value over the past 50 years – it now takes a barrel full of dreams just to buy a loaf of bread
c) Andy Warhol has invaded the collective unconscious
12) What would the best branding effort for Toronto?
a) “Toronto The Not Quite So Good Any More, But Still Better Than Detroit, So Whaddaya Gonna Do?”
b) “Toronto – you could eat scrambled eggs off our sidewalks (anything else you might digest with them is protein…).”
c) “Toronto – New York run by the Kosovars.”
13) What would a reasonable person think of the 10th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death?
a) in death he has become the pop idol he despised in life, and he wasn’t the sort of person who could get a good laugh out of the irony
b) more Nirvana merchandise! Where are the heart shaped box keychains and In Utero coffee mugs! Smells like teen purchasing power to me!
c) who cares? Have you heard Jet’s new album?
14) what are the advantages for the federal Liberals of running former Bloc Quebecois and Parti Quebecois members in the next election?
a) Paul Martin will have solid suspects when cutlery goes missing
b) it will confuse editorial writers at Le Devoir, and they’re always good for a laugh when they snort whisky out of their noses
c) it will confuse the editorial writers at The Globe and Mail, and, while they’re rarely good for a laugh, confusing them is a worthwhile end in itself
15) What are the advantages for former Bloc Quebecois and Parti Quebecois members to running as Liberals in the next federal election?
a) easier access to the cutlery
b) separatism? It’s getting old – time to find new ways to mess with the heads of English speaking Canadians
c) the Quebec Liberals will always be able to separate from the national party if they don’t like the way it treats their province
16) A group of children hunting for Easter eggs in Flint, Michigan found two loaded handguns. What does this mean?
a) this year, the Easter bunny is packing heat
b) if your child really, really, really, really wants to be the one who finds the most Easter eggs…let it!
c) Kinder Surprise has a new line of chocolates for inner city children
d) Michael Moore has the subject for another documentary
17) Who do you think should be voted the greatest Canadian?
a) uhh, you know…that guy – oh, what’s his name? – the one who discovered that body of water – the one they named after him…you know?
b) Jacquard Ricardi, the inventor of the plastic nipple
c) …no, it’s still not coming to me – I can’t believe you don’t know who I’m talking about!
d) my cousin Henrietta. No particular reason.
18) What is the most important lesson to be learned from reality TV programmes?
a) human beings are essentially selfish and will do anything to survive, so you better watch your store of coconuts
b) human beings are essentially greedy and will suppress fears of creepy crawly things developed over millennia of evolution to make a buck, so you better get used to sticking parts of your body into jars full of them
c) human beings are essentially voyeurs who get their jollies out of watching selfish people do anything to survive and greedy people suppress fears of creepy crawly things developed over millennia of evolution to make a buck
19) What chimpanzee behaviour will the Zoological Society of London not be encouraging the 100 volunteers in its experiment to substitute in their everyday lives?
a) throwing their feces at their enemies
b) banging their heads against trees to signify frustration
c) playing with their genitals to indicate (alleviate?) sexual arousal
20) Is Britney Spears the new Madonna?
a) Isn’t Madonna the new Madonna?
b) Is Fear Factor the new Inquisition?
c) Is J. Lo the new N.M.E.?
d) Is “Is [INSERT NAME OR TREND HERE] the new [INSERT SECOND NAME OR TREND HERE]” the new “I have nothing original to say, but I want to seem deep and hip saying it?”