Conservatives. Are they large, furry monsters with big teeth? Or, are we thinking of lions? Could they be cute, cuddly little things that wouldn’t harm a hair on your head? Or, are we thinking of Rotarians? Clearly, there are differing images of what it means to be a Conservative in the zeitgeist.
Here at Les Pages aux Folles, we take no chances; make fun of them like they’re big furry monsters (and, not the pretty kind of fur, either, but a kind of dark, matted fur that has come away in places on their bodies) and let time determine whether we made the right call. Are you with us? To determine this, simply take the following test. If you answer more than six questions without throwing your hands up in disgust and turning to Rush Limbaugh for reassurance, you probably are with us. If you don’t, you’re probably beyond our help.
Whatever you do, do not return completed tests to us! We’re still trying to think of something cute or cuddly about Rotarians.
1) A new photo from Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq shows a naked prisoner whose body has been smeared with an unknown brown substance. Whatever could this unknown brown substance be?
a) chocolate
b) dried up strawberry jelly
c) melted crayon shavings
d) oh, you’re not really going to force me to state the obvious, are you?
2) Which of the following passages from James Joyce’s Ulysses really drives conservative literary critics mental?
a) “Cissy wiped his little mouth with the dribbling bib and wanted him to sit up properly and say pa pa pa but when she undid the strap she cried out, holy saint Denis, that he was possing wet and to double the half blanket the other way under him. Of course his infant majesty was most obstreperous at such toilet formalities and he let everyone know it:
“–Habaa baaaahabaaa baaaa.”
b) “Across the page the symbols moved in grave morrice, in the mummery of their letters, wearing quaint caps of squares and cubes. Give hands, traverse, bow to partner: so: imps of fancy of the Moors. Gone too from the world, Averroes and Moses Maimonides, dark men in mien and movement, flashing in their mocking mirrors the obscure soul of the world, a darkness shining in brightness which brightness could not comprehend.”
c) “no thats no way for him has he no manners nor no refinement nor no nothing in his nature slapping us behind like that on my bottom because I didnt call him Hugh the ignoramus that doesnt know poetry from a cabbage thats what you get for not keeping them in their proper place pulling off his shoes and trousers there on the chair before me so barefaced without even asking permission and standing out that vulgar way in the half of a shirt they wear to be admired like a priest or a butcher or those old hypocrites in the time of Julius Caesar of course hes right enough in his way to pass the time as a joke sure you might as well be in bed with what with a lion God Im sure hed have something better to say for himself an old Lion would O well I suppose its because they were so plump and tempting in my short petticoat he couldnt resist they excite myself sometimes its well for men all the amount of pleasure they get off a womans body were so round and white for them always I wished I was one myself for a change just to try with that thing they have swelling up on you so hard and at the same time so soft when you touch it my uncle John has a thing long I heard those cornerboys saying passing the comer of Marrowbone lane my aunt Mary has a thing hairy because it was dark and they knew a girl was passing it didnt make me blush why should it either its only nature and he puts his thing long into my aunt Marys hairy etcetera and turns out to be you put the handle in a sweepingbrush men again all over they can pick and choose what they please a married woman or a fast widow or a girl for their different tastes like those houses round behind Irish street no but were to be always chained up theyre not going to be chaining me up no damn fear once I start I tell you for their stupid husbands jealousy why cant we all remain friends over it instead of quarrelling her husband found it out what they did together well naturally and if he did can he undo it hes coronado anyway whatever he does and then he going to the other mad extreme about the wife in Fair Tyrants of course the man never even casts a 2nd thought on the husband or wife either its the woman he wants and he gets her what else were we given all those desires for Id like to know I cant help it if Im young still can I its a wonder Im not an old shrivelled hag before my time living with him so cold never embracing me except sometimes when hes asleep the wrong end of me not knowing I suppose who he has any man thatd kiss a womans bottom Id throw my hat at him after that hed kiss anything unnatural where we havent I atom of any kind of expression in us all of us the same 2 lumps of lard before ever Id do that to a man pfooh the dirty brutes the mere thought is enough I kiss the feet of you senorita theres some sense in that didnt he kiss our halldoor yes he did what a madman nobody understands his cracked ideas but me still of course a woman wants to be embraced 20 times a day almost to make her look young no matter by who so long as to be in love or loved by somebody if the fellow you want isnt there sometimes by the Lord God I was thinking would I go around by the quays there some dark evening where nobodyd know me and pick up a sailor off the sea thatd be hot on for it and not care a pin whose I was only do it off up in a gate somewhere or one of those wildlooking gipsies in Rathfarnham had their camp pitched near the Bloomfield laundry to try and steal our things if they could I only sent mine there a few times for the name model laundry sending me back over and over some old ones odd stockings that blackguardlooking fellow with the fine eyes peeling a switch attack me in the dark and ride me up against the wall without a word or a murderer anybody what they do themselves the fine gentlemen in their silk hats that K C lives up somewhere this way coming out of Hardwicke lane the night he gave us the fish supper on account of winning over the boxing match of course it was for me he gave it I knew him by his gaiters and the walk and when I turned round a minute after just to see there was a woman after coming out of it too some filthy prostitute then he goes home to his wife after that only I suppose the half of those sailors are rotten again with disease O move over your big carcass out of that for the love of Mike listen to him the winds that waft my sighs to thee so well he may sleep and sigh the great Suggester Don Poldo de la Flora if he knew how he came out on the cards this morning hed have something to sigh for a dark man in some perplexity between 2 7s too in prison for Lord knows what he does that I dont know and Im to be slooching around down in the kitchen to get his lordship his breakfast while hes rolled up like a mummy will I indeed did you ever see me running Id just like to see myself at it show them attention and they treat you like dirt I dont care what anybody says itd be much better for the world to be governed by the women in it you wouldnt see women going and killing one another and slaughtering when do you ever see women rolling around drunk like they do or gambling every penny they have and losing it on horses yes because a woman whatever she does she knows where to stop sure they wouldnt be in the world at all only for us they dont know what it is to be a woman and a mother how could they where would they all of them be if they hadnt all a mother to look after them what I never had thats why I suppose hes running wild now out at night away from his books and studies and not living at home on account of the usual rowy house I suppose well its a poor case that those that have a fine son like that theyre not satisfied and I none was he not able to make one it wasnt my fault we came together when I was watching the two dogs up in her behind in the middle of the naked street that disheartened me altogether I suppose I oughtnt to have buried him in that little woolly jacket I knitted crying as I was but give it to some poor child but I knew well Id never have another our 1st death too it was we were never the same since O Im not going to think myself into the glooms about that any more I wonder why he wouldnt stay the night I felt all the time it was somebody strange he brought in instead of roving around the city meeting God knows who nightwalkers and pickpockets his poor mother wouldnt like that if she was alive ruining himself for life perhaps still its a lovely hour so silent I used to love coming home after dances the air of the night they have friends they can talk to weve none either he wants what he wont get or its some woman ready to stick her knife in you I hate that in women no wonder they treat us the way they do we are a dreadful lot of bitches I suppose its all the troubles we have makes us so snappy Im not like that he could easy have slept in there on the sofa in the other room I suppose he was as shy as a boy he being so young hardly 20 of me in the next room hed have heard me on the chamber arrah what harm Dedalus I wonder its like those names in Gibraltar Delapaz Delagracia they had the devils queer names there father Vilaplana of Santa Maria that gave me the rosary Rosales y OReilly in the Calle las Siete Revueltas and Pisimbo and Mrs Opisso in Governor street O what a name Id go and drown myself in the first river if I had a name like her O my and all the bits of streets Paradise ramp and Bedlam ramp and Rodgers ramp and Crutchetts ramp and the devils gap steps well small blame to me if I am a harumscarum I know I am a bit I declare to God I dont feel a day older than then I wonder could I get my tongue round any of the Spanish como esta usted muy bien gracias y usted see I havent forgotten it all I thought I had only for the grammar a noun is the name of any person place or thing pity I never tried to read that novel cantankerous Mrs Rubio lent me by Valera with the questions in it all upside down the two ways I always knew wed go away in the end I can tell him the Spanish and he tell me the Italian then hell see Im not so ignorant what a pity he didnt stay Im sure the poor fellow was dead tired and wanted a good sleep badly I could have brought him in his breakfast in bed with a bit of toast so long as I didnt do it on the knife for bad luck or if the woman was going her rounds with the watercress and something nice and tasty there are a few olives in the kitchen he might like I never could bear the look of them in Abrines I could do the criada the room looks all right since I changed it the other way you see something was telling me all the time Id have to introduce myself not knowing me from Adam very funny wouldnt it Im his wife or pretend we were in Spain with him half awake without a Gods notion where he is dos huevos estrellados senor Lord the cracked things come into my head sometimes itd be great fun supposing he stayed with us why not theres the room upstairs empty and Millys bed in the back room he could do his writing and studies at the table in there for all the scribbling he does at it and if he wants to read in bed in the morning like me as hes making the breakfast for I he can make it for 2 Im sure Im not going to take in lodgers off the street for him if he takes a gesabo of a house like this Id love to have a long talk with an intelligent welleducated person Id have to get a nice pair of red slippers like those Turks with the fez used to sell or yellow and a nice semitransparent morning gown that I badly want or a peachblossom dressing jacket like the one long ago in Walpoles only 8/6 or 18/6 Ill just give him one more chance Ill get up early in the morning Im sick of Cohens old bed in any case I might go over to the markets to see all the vegetables and cabbages and tomatoes and carrots and all kinds of splendid fruits all coming in lovely and fresh who knows whod be the 1st man Id meet theyre out looking for it in the morning Mamy Dillon used to say they are and the night too that was her massgoing Id love a big juicy pear now to melt in your mouth like when I used to be in the longing way then Ill throw him up his eggs and tea in the moustachecup she gave him to make his mouth bigger I suppose hed like my nice cream too I know what Ill do Ill go about rather gay not too much singing a bit now and then mi fa pieta Masetto then Ill start dressing myself to go out presto non son piu forte Ill put on my best shift and drawers let him have a good eyeful out of that to make his micky stand for him Ill let him know if thats what he wanted that his wife is I s l o fucked yes and damn well fucked too up to my neck nearly not by him 5 or 6 times handrunning theres the mark of his spunk on the clean sheet I wouldnt bother to even iron it out that ought to satisfy him if you dont believe me feel my belly unless I made him stand there and put him into me Ive a mind to tell him every scrap and make him do it out in front of me serve him right its all his own fault if I am an adulteress as the thing in the gallery said O much about it if thats all the harm ever we did in this vale of tears God knows its not much doesnt everybody only they hide it I suppose thats what a woman is supposed to be there for or He wouldnt have made us the way He did so attractive to men then if he wants to kiss my bottom Ill drag open my drawers and bulge it right out in his face as large as life he can stick his tongue 7 miles up my hole as hes there my brown part then Ill tell him I want LI or perhaps 30/- Ill tell him I want to buy underclothes then if he gives me that well he wont be too bad I dont want to soak it all out of him like other women do I could often have written out a fine cheque for myself and write his name on it for a couple of pounds a few times he forgot to lock it up besides he wont spend it Ill let him do it off on me behind provided he doesnt smear all my good drawers O I suppose that cant be helped Ill do the indifferent l or 2 questions Ill know by the answers when hes like that he cant keep a thing back I know every turn in him Ill tighten my bottom well and let out a few smutty words smellrump or lick my shit or the first mad thing comes into my head then Ill suggest about yes O wait now sonny my turn is coming Ill be quite gay and friendly over it O but I was forgetting this bloody pest of a thing pfooh you wouldnt know which to laugh or cry were such a mixture of plum and apple no Ill have to wear the old things so much the better itll be more pointed hell never know whether he did it or not there thats good enough for you any old thing at all then Ill wipe him off me just like a business his omission then Ill go out Ill have him eying up at the ceiling where is she gone now make him want me thats the only way a quarter after what an unearthly hour I suppose theyre just getting up in China now combing out their pigtails for the day well soon have the nuns ringing the angelus theyve nobody coming in to spoil their sleep except an odd priest or two for his night office or the alarmclock next door at cockshout clattering the brains out of itself let me see if I can doze off 1 2 3 4 5 what kind of flowers are those they invented like the stars the wallpaper in Lombard street was much nicer the apron he gave me was like that something only I only wore it twice better lower this lamp and try again so as I can get up early Ill go to Lambes there beside Findlaters and get them to send us some flowers to put about the place in case he brings him home tomorrow today I mean no no Fridays an unlucky day first I want to do the place up someway the dust grows in it I think while Im asleep then we can have music and cigarettes I can accompany him first I must clean the keys of the piano with milk whatll I wear shall I wear a white rose or those fairy cakes in Liptons I love the smell of a rich big shop at 7 1/2d a lb or the other ones with the cherries in them and the pinky sugar 11d a couple of lbs of those a nice plant for the middle of the table Id get that cheaper in wait wheres this I saw them not long ago I love flowers Id love to have the whole place swimming in roses God of heaven theres nothing like nature the wild mountains then the sea and the waves rushing then the beautiful country with the fields of oats and wheat and all kinds of things and all the fine cattle going about that would do your heart good to see rivers and lakes and flowers all sorts of shapes and smells and colours springing up even out of the ditches primroses and violets nature it is as for them saying theres no God I wouldnt give a snap of my two fingers for all their learning why dont they go and create something I often asked him atheists or whatever they call themselves go and wash the cobbles off themselves first then they go howling for the priest and they dying and why why because theyre afraid of hell on account of their bad conscience ah yes I know them well who was the first person in the universe before there was anybody that made it all who ah that they dont know neither do I so there you are they might as well try to stop the sun from rising tomorrow the sun shines for you he said the day we were lying among the rhododendrons on Howth head in the grey tweed suit and his straw hat the day I got him to propose to me yes first I gave him the bit of seedcake out of my mouth and it was leapyear like now yes 16 years ago my God after that long kiss I near lost my breath yes he said I was a flower of the mountain yes so we are flowers all a womans body yes that was one true thing he said in his life and the sun shines for you today yes that was why I liked him because I saw he understood or felt what a woman is and I knew I could always get round him and I gave him all the pleasure I could leading him on till he asked me to say yes and I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the sea and the sky I was thinking of so many things he didnt know of Mulvey and Mr Stanhope and Hester and father and old captain Groves and the sailors playing all birds fly and I say stoop and washing up dishes they called it on the pier and the sentry in front of the governors house with the thing round his white helmet poor devil half roasted and the Spanish girls laughing in their shawls and their tall combs and the auctions in the morning the Greeks and the jews and the Arabs and the devil knows who else from all the ends of Europe and Duke street and the fowl market all clucking outside Larby Sharons and the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the vague fellows in the cloaks asleep in the shade on the steps and the big wheels of the carts of the bulls and the old castle thousands of years old yes and those handsome Moors all in white and turbans like kings asking you to sit down in their little bit of a shop and Ronda with the old windows of the posadas 2 glancing eyes a lattice hid for her lover to kiss the iron and the wineshops half open at night and the castanets and the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about serene with his lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and the sea the sea crimson sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and the figtrees in the Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets and the pink and blue and yellow houses and the rosegardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.”
d) oh, it’s all so…modern – I mean, would it kill Joyce to invest in a little punctuation? – are you really going to force me to choose just one?
e) no – all of the above
3) What would happen if Conservative Party leader Stephen Harper got his way and reduced Canadian taxes to below those of the United States?
a) the skies would open up and flights of angels would sing the Canadian economy’s praises…and our dollar would still be worth only 79 cents US
b) your children would get better grades…but they still wouldn’t be able to get a cool date for the prom
c) the continent would tilt, forcing us to shore up our homes with stilts
4) According to Saleh bin Abdulaziz Al-Shaikh, Saudi Arabia’s minister of Islamic Affairs, his government has already rooted out half the terrorist cells in the country, and steps are being taken to rid it of the remainder. How did the Saudi royal family do this?
a) it paid the terrorists extraordinarily large sums of money to relocate to Iraq and Afghanistan
b) they stamped their little feet and shouted curses from Monaco
c) they asked President Bush to say that’s what they were doing on national television, because everybody knows that if President Bush says something on national television, it must be true…
5) Which of the following bumper sticker slogans best expresses your views on the federal election?
a) “Paul Martin phone home…”
b) “Wonk if you’re voting for Jack Layton.”
c) “If you liked Mike Harris, you’ll love Stephen Harper.”
d) “Are we having fun yet?”
6) When power is transferred to the Iraqi governing council on June 30, what powers will it actually have?
a)
b)
c) okay, okay, give me a minute – I’m thinking…
7) In English history, what came after the Tudor period?
a) The Fourdor period
b) I don’t know, but if it didn’t have funny hats and ruffles, it wasn’t worth it
c) baked Alaska (no, wait, that’s what comes after years of global warming)
8) Speaking of funny dessert names, Conservative leader Stephen Harper intends to end Canada’s commitment to the Kyoto accord on greenhouse gases saying that, while carbon dioxide is linked to global warming, it “does not cause or contribute to smog, and the Kyoto treaty would do nothing to reduce or prevent smog.” Is this most like saying that
a) you shouldn’t bother getting that cough looked after by a doctor because she or he won’t be able to fix that knocking in your car engine
b) there should not be laws against murder because they do not prevent tooth decay?
c) you shouldn’t bother paying your telephone bill because it won’t stop the spread of mad cow disease?
9) Why does the world community, led by the United States, appear to be indifferent to Iran obtaining nuclear weapons?
a) it sure would make a great excuse for the US to pour even more money into a defense shield, wouldn’t it?
b) American forces are spread so thin, the only resources the country could put towards stopping Iran’s nuclear programme are a dozen boy scouts armed with Bowie knives
c) President Bush’s fundamentalist supporters know that a nuclear exchange between Iran and Israel will signal the End Times (and who needs all those countries whose names start with the letter “I” anyway?)
10) And, speaking of spreading meager resources too thin, President George W. Bush has compared the war on Iraq to World War II. What, in your opinion, is the most striking similarity between the two?
a) the way both wars had clearly defined enemies, clear lines of attack and clear definitions of victory and/or exit strategies
b) the way select American corporations made tremendous profits out of both war efforts
c) the way Ethiopia contributed more to the war effort than Canada
d) the fact that people died in large numbers
11) Conservative candidate Joe Spina wants to end funding for the CBC, which he calls the “Communist Broadcasting Corporation.” What is an appropriate response to this?
a) thank goodness for freedom of speech – without it, we might never know what the new Tories really stand for!
b) I don’t know about that part about the CBC “driving listeners away from the free market” – I mean, does the CBC have representatives going to listeners’ homes and threatening to shoot puppies if they don’t listen to Definitely, Definitively, Without a Doubt Not the Opera? If not, exactly how do they force listeners not to listen to commercial broadcasters?
c) he’s just upset that the CBC didn’t cover the Ontario Conservatives’ Magna budget because it wasn’t presented in the legislature – Joe! Get over it! There are 12 step programmes – really, look into them…
12) Why would science fiction writer Ray Bradbury call Micheal Moore “a stupid asshole” who “stole my title and changed the number without asking me for permission” for naming his latest film Fahrenheit 9/11?
a) he’s got his head up a triffid
b) he was cranky because the nurses in the home hadn’t changed his diapers
c) the author of the classic anti-censorship work Fahrenheit 451 has forgotten what free speech is all about
13) And, speaking of changing the diapers of cranky people in an old folks home, why is Fahrenheit 9/11 being slapped with an R rating in the United States?
a) because when blood flows on a film screen, it’s entertainment, but when it flows on a TV screen, it’s vital information in the News Age
b) it’s a politically astute move to keep people below voting age out of a movie that could affect the outcome of the upcoming American election
c) who cares? Around the World in 80 Days has just opened! Man, that Jackie Chan makes me laugh…
14) Why should Canada not have an inheritance tax for the wealthy?
a) it discourages children from wealthy families from killing their parents
b) it discourages wealthy Americans from moving to Canada to avoid paying the American inheritance tax
c) children of the wealthy have earned their inheritance by…well…being children of the wealthy…
15) Which of the following would make the best name for America’s next military action?
a) Operation Pygmy Brains
b) Operation Ours Is Bigger Than Yours
c) Operation Desert Orangutan
d) Operation Infinite, Enduring, Crushing, Crusading Sword of Justice (Non-denominational)
e) Operation Flicking a Boogersome Petty Annoyance Off Our Shoulders
f) other
16) Conservative MPP John O’Toole warned that Ontario could be “plunged into darkness” because the Liberals were doing nothing to meet the province’s energy needs, even though his party did little on the issue in its last years in power. What is a reasonable person to make of this?
a) O’Toole has seen the light
b) he’s recycling the “the province will be plunged into darkness” rhetoric from the last election, and isn’t that a wonderfully environmentally friendly thing to do?
c) it’s a symptom that suggests he has the early onset of a real sounding but imaginary brain disease seen only on TV
17) And, speaking of recycling the last campaign’s election rhetoric, a serviceman who complained that fellow soldiers in his California National Guard unit were torturing Iraqi prisoners was given psychiatric treatment. Why?
a) he obviously didn’t fit in
b) the American military has obviously been taking lessons on dealing with dissenters from Josef Stalin
c) his commanders were of the TV generation, and obviously mistook a real sounding but imaginary brain disease seen only on TV as the real thing
18) President George W. Bush has compared himself to recently deceased former President Ronald Reagan. What, in your opinion, is the most striking similarity between the two?
a) the endearing way they mangled the English language whenever they strayed from their carefully written scripts
b) the enterprising way they both starred in a thousand movies a year for most of the 1940s, almost all of which have been forgotten
c) the fact that their favourite book, one which informed much of their foreign and domestic policy, was Bowser Does a Wowser In His Trousers
19) The Conservative Party wants to scale back the powers of the Canadian Radio-Television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC), effectively opening up Canadian television to direct competition from American stations and networks. Why would they do this?
a) they want their MTV
b) they were traumatized as children by the sight of Bruno Gerussi on The Beachcombers, and they never fully recovered
c) their idea of culture is the yogurt that is served to them for breakfast at the home
20) Coca Cola Chairman and Chief Executive Neville Isdell recently tried to defend his company against charges that it was part of the reason Americans are becoming increasingly obese. What is his best line of defense?
a) “We’re just giving people what they want (just ignore that billion dollar advertising campaign behind the curtain…).”
b) “It’s bad science – everybody knows that sugar does not contain a lot of calories, which, in any case, do not cause an increase in body fat.”
c) “Oh, people should just get out and exercise more…and, after they do, they’ll need a cool refreshing drink to replenish their body fluids…”