1) Their “disproportionate response” was “creating unrest in the region” because of “unacceptable bombing against civilians.” Who said this? Who were they saying it about?
a) the United States said it about the Russian invasion of Georgia
b) the United Nations said it about the American invasion of Iraq
c) Desi said it about Lucy’s invasion of Club Bubalu
2) What is flexicurity?
a) that little piece of skin at the end of your nails
b) the insecurity of not knowing if your gym shorts will rip when you do certain exercises (oh, don’t be so shy – you know the ones!)
c) a cooking technique that even Jamie Oliver won’t try
3) Who or what is PUMA?
a) a woman too old to be considered a cougar
b) People United Means Action (Against Barack Obama)
c) a cooking technique that even Jamie Oliver won’t try
4) Who lost Iraq?
a) Iraq isn’t lost…it…it’s been misplaced for a short time, but I’m sure we’ll find it soon…really soon
b) Alonzo “Hard Times” Figuerry
c) the next Democratic president, whoever he may be
5) Who were the Keating Five?
a) Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo and Gummo
b) Biff, Chad, Bruce, Bob and John McCain
c) that – that happened years ago and, and, I learned from my mistakes – I certainly haven’t done anything like it since, and how dare you bring that up and, and, you know what? This interview is over!
6) What is the Bush Doctrine?
a) what the eye doesn’t see, the palate doesn’t taste
b) a nasty rash the president got soon after taking office (but, fortunately, one that can be controlled with antibiotics)
c) the medical centre right next to the Bush Latrine
d) a cooking technique that even Jamie Oliver won’t try
7) Why didn’t Sarah Palin know that in her interview with Charles Gibson?
a) she was so awed by Gibson’s wit and intelligence that all thoughts of policy fled her precious little head
b) her vice presidential campaign is all about the future, so she figures she doesn’t need to know anything about the past…even if it is the recent past…of her own party…
c) the liberal media was playing gotcha with her (it’s like the opposite of dodgeball, only with ideas instead of balls)
8) More recently, Palin wasn’t aware that her own campaign had suspended operations in Michigan. Why was that?
a) campaign bigwigs decided that any information about, you know, the actual campaign might distract Palin from her main priorities: looking fabulous on camera and slinging mud at Barack Obama (because, let’s be honest, there aren’t that many Republicans who can combine the two)
b) her liaison with the RNC has a bizarre speech impediment that makes the word “Michigan” come out sounding like a rude term for female reproductive organs, so he avoids saying it as much as he can
c) the liberal media was playing gotcha with her (it’s like the opposite of Diplomacy, but even less connected to reality)
9) What would be the fabled “game changer” in the American election?
a) if John McCain chose a single issue and a single campaign tactic and stuck with them for more than 24 seconds
b) if it was revealed that Barack Obama is actually a white guy from Sheboygan who went through a painful operation to get his skin darkened in a misguided attempt to pattern his life after his favourite book, Black Like Me
c) if Joe Biden was taped whispering sweet nothings on the phone to Cindy McCain
d) if Sarah Palin admitted at a campaign rally that being perky was not a qualification for the position of vice president
10) What would be the fabled “game changer” in the Canadian election?
a) if a close examination of Stephen Harper’s high school record revealed that he hasn’t changed in decades
b) if Stephane Dion punched Harper in the nose and told the Prime Minister to stop kicking sand in his face
c) if Jack Layton slashed the ‘stache
d) if Gilles Duceppe admitted that he had secretly been a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs since he was a kid
e) if Elizabeth May was caught on videotape clubbing a baby seal and dumping the carcass in her SUV
f) we’re in the middle of a Canadian election?
11) Who said, “Over the last four months, we have seen no evidence to suggest that Saddam Hussein is willing to comply with resolution 1441?”
a) Australian Prime Minister John Howard
b) then Canadian Opposition Leader Stephen Harper
c) Tweety Bird
12) Who said, “As the possession of weapons of mass destruction spreads, the danger of such weapons coming into the hands of terrorist groups will multiply?”
a) then Canadian Opposition Leader Stephen Harper
b) Tweety Bird
c) Australian Prime Minister John Howard
13) Who said, “I taught I taw a puddy tat. I did! I did! I did tee a puddy tat!”?
a) Tweety Bird
b) Australian Prime Minister John Howard
c) then Canadian Opposition Leader Stephen Harper
14) How does Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin get his head to rear itself into American airspace over Alaska like that?
a) there is a hole at the base of his neck that allows him to fill his head with helium (he likes to take it out for a flight every now and again to “relax and unwind”)
b) it’s all smoke and mirrors (but, what smoke! What mirrors!)
c) it’s actually a projection of his ego (but what a projection! What an ego!)
15) What is the most important lesson of Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac?
a) cousins shouldn’t marry
b) just because you give an institution a folksy name doesn’t mean it’s good for folks, eh?
c) you shouldn’t void the warranty on your computer by opening up the back just to use it to make waffles
16) What is the most important lesson of WaMu?
a) killer whales don’t perform well on a diet of chocolate kisses and free market platitudes
b) in WAshington, there’s nothing MUtual about the interests of Main Street and Wall Street
c) snorting coffee grounds will not cure your sinusitis
17) What is the most important lesson of Wachovia?
a) time isn’t on our side
b) even a small nation can be a world power if it has the most destructive weapon mankind has ever known (no, wait – that was the lesson of The Mouse That Roared)
c) a set of parentheses will never replace a good smoke
18) What could John McCain possibly have against the Des Moines Register that made him so testy while being interviewed by the newspaper’s editorial board?
a) the doughnuts the publisher offered him before the interview were stale
b) his seat was uncomfortable
c) look: if you had sold out every value you had ever held in order to become president and it looked like, despite that, you weren’t going to win, you might be a little miffed, too
19) Who warned that American gains in Iraq were “not irreversible… Many storm clouds on the horizon could develop into real problems.”
a) that well known paller arounder with terrorists and Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama
b) that well known paller arounder with terrorists General David Petraeus
c) that well known paller arounder with terrorists Funky Winkerbean (before he was forced out of the Pentagon)
20) In the middle of the Canadian election, it looked like Stephen Harper’s Conservative party might get a majority government. In the last week of the campaign, the Conservatives began to fade back into minority territory. What happened?
a) Canadians looked up from the exciting American election and realized that, oh, hey, wait, we have an election in progress, too! (Sorry, answer 10f, but it’s true!)
b) the hypnotic effect on Canadians of the pooping puffin began to wear off
c) it looked like Stephen Harper’s Conservative party might get a majority government