1) How many Republican primaries have there been so far?
a) eight
b) pi r squared
c) FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS DECENT, MAKE IT STOP!
2) Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Perry, in the midst of a debate, said that he would eliminate three government agencies: “Commerce, Education and the, er, what’s the third one there?” What was the third one there?
a) Really Good Tokes
b) Squirrel Eradication
c) Gravity
3) After the debate, Perry and his handlers argued that the gaffe wasn’t a very big deal because everybody has “brain freezes” from time to time. What was the most famous political brain freeze?
a) the authors of the Declaration of Independence had a collective brain freeze when they wrote: “Life, liberty and…and the, er, what’s the third one there?”
b) Winston Churchill’s memorable brain freeze: “I would say to the House as I said to those who have joined this government: I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and the, er, what’s the last one there?”
c) Julius Caesar’s classical brain freeze: “Vini, vidi and the, er, what’s the third one there?”
4) Republican Presidential hopeful Herman Cain has defended himself against allegations that he made unwanted sexual advances towards women by saying that “For every one person that comes forward with a false accusation, there are probably thousands who will say that none of that sort of activity ever came from Herman Cain.” This is like…
a) an arsonist saying: “For every one family that comes forward with a false accusation, there are probably thousands who will say that I didn’t burn their house down.”
b) a lobbyist saying: “For every politician that comes forward with a false accusation, there are probably thousands who will say that I didn’t offer them a huge sum of money in exchange for their vote.”
c) a crocodile saying: “For every duck that comes forward with a false accusation, there are probably thousands who will say that I didn’t eat them.”
d) all of the above, and so much more…
5) During the debate on foreign policy, there was severe disagreement on what to do about Iran. Herman Cain said he would bomb Iran tomorrow. Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich said he would bomb Iran today. Rick Perry said he would bomb Iran yesterday. (Think about that for a moment – Rick Perry with his hands on the key to the Presidential time machine!) Why?
a) there is only one letter’s difference between Iraq and Iran, so what the hell? Really, Iraq was a cakewalk – how hard can a war on Iran be?
b) wimps ignite the Middle East; real men start World War III
c) it’s just the Republicans’ way of rewarding Iranian Ayatollahs for their cooperation with Ronald Reagan’s October Surprise
6) The only candidate at the foreign policy debate with any actual experience in – you know – foreign policy was Republican Presidential hopeful John Huntsman. Who?
a) a character in Little Red Riding Hood
b) oh, I love him! Did you see him in the movie The Paper Chase? What a performance!
c) hey! You may write off Huntsman because he has never risen above three per cent in any poll, but if only half of the votes of a quarter of the candidates ahead of him are pledged to him less than a seventh of the way through the primaries, than he would be six twenty-thirds of the way to overtaking seven of the candidates above him! Really! The math is simple! Do it yourself if you don’t believe me!
7) After a disastrous interview on the subject with the editorial board of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, Herman Cain argued that: “I’m not supposed to know anything about foreign policy. Just thought I’d throw that out.” What was the reasoning he used to come to that conclusion?
a) if you surround yourself with people who are even more ignorant of the world than you are – but are even more belligerent towards foreign countries – you come off looking presidential
b) that’s what Wikipedia is for
c) look at how well not knowing anything about foreign policy worked for George W. Bush
8) Republican Presidential hopeful Ron Paul – what’s in running for him?
a) he makes Rick Perry look Presidential
b) he makes Herman Cain look sane
c) he gets a national platform on which to remind voters just how extreme his Objectivist philosophy is (and, as we all know, extremity in the pursuit of extremeness is no extremulosity)
9) What ever happened to Republican Presidential hopeful …umm…Boatman? Beckman? Ferrouljian? Oh, you know – the woman who was in the race?
a) she imploded into the black hole of her own bombast
b) oh, sure, she may have had Sarah Palin’s wild-eyed ignorance, but she had never killed and stripped her own moose, and that’s really what Republicans are looking for in a female candidate
c) oh, she’s still there, serving the men drinks and laughing unconvincingly at their little jokes…
10) In a new memoir, Boatman/Beckman/Ferrouljian/Whoever accused President George W. Bush of practicing “bailout socialism.” What is bailout socialism?
a) when 99 per cent of people in the sinking boat frantically scoop water out in order to save the one per cent who are staying dry
b) what happens when nobody shows up at your book signing and you start putting together words at random to see how they sound
c) I have no idea, but it sounds suspiciously French…
11) All of they candidates except Paul and Huntsman have, to varying degrees, embraced waterboarding as a legitimate interrogation technique. What do they think waterboarding is?
a) ironing clothing on a board in a swimming pool
b) standing on a board and catching gnarly waves, man
c) a nice, light snack
12) What is Newt Gingrich’s best qualification to be President?
a) he has written 23 books, all of which will be available in the lobby after his appearance at a generous discount for this event
b) he has produced several films, DVDs of which will be available in the lobby after his appearance at a reasonable discount for this event
c) his dedication to the welfare of the American people
13) When John Huntsman appeared on Piers Morgan’s chat show, there was a segment featuring an interview with his three daughters. Why?
a) Mary Anne Huntsman has great gams and knows more about the history of Iran than Rick Perry
b) Liddy Huntsman can melt hearts with a pout and has a better economic plan than Herman Cain
c) Abby Huntsman Livingston has an infectious laugh and a stronger grasp of environmental realities than Newt Gingrich
d) to make Huntsman look more
i) paternal
ii) human
iii) phlegmatic
14) Who or what is a “Santorum?”
a) a gay sex act
b) a new brand of wart cream
c) given the theme of this quiz, I’m going to assume that it has something to do with the Republican nomination process. Could it be…the curse Florida primary voters will use when they find out what the Republican they voted for intends to do to Social Security?
15) Complete the Herman Cain quote: “I’m not an expert on how the brain works, but…
a) …if MRI scans showed sufficient damage, I would perform a microvascular laminectomy on the patient because a President is expected to take charge in any emergency situation.”
b) …I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to stick out of your ear…”
c) …umm…yeah, you know, we can just leave it at that. Okay? Okay.”
16) Last month, some polls had Rick Perry in the lead for the Republican presidential nomination. Last week, some polls had Herman Cain in the lead for the Republican presidential nomination. This week, some polls have Newt Gingrich in the lead for the Republican presidential nomination. Who will the polls have in the lead for the Republican presidential nomination next week?
a) Dopey (followed by Sleepy, then Grumpy and finally Where’s the Nuclear Button, My Finger Itches…y)
b) the gay sex act
c) Eric “Stumpy Joe” Childs
17) According to Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney (who apparently hasn’t heard the news that Rick Perry, or Herman Cain, or Newt Gingrich will be the actual winner of the race), he can relate to the Tea Party. How, exactly?
a) he drinks tea and he likes to party (within moderation, of course, and not when the children are around)
b) every so often, he hits himself in the head with a brick until his thoughts are perfectly random, disjointed and paranoid
c) I’m sorry, that last answer was totally unfair…to the brick…
18) While he was frontrunner, Gingrich said, “You say to somebody, you shouldn’t go to work before you’re what, 14, 16 years of age, fine. You’re totally poor. You’re in a school that is failing with a teacher that is failing… Most of these schools ought to get rid of the unionized janitors, have one master janitor and pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work, they would have cash, they would have pride in the schools, they’d begin the process of rising.” What is the most obvious problem with this statement?
a) children 14 or 16 years of age are too busy playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare to clean up their schools
b) replacing the janitors with students won’t help the quality of education in the schools – now, if Gingrich had suggested replacing the failing teachers with nine year-old children…!
c) yeast rises; children panjandrummate
19) Which response from the crowds at the Republican candidates’ debates is the best example of compassionate Conservatism in action?
a) cheering for the Texas death penalty
b) booing a soldier in Iraq because he’s gay
c) applauding the idea of a man dying because he couldn’t afford
health insurance
20) Why do we need to take the Republican primaries seriously?
a) unlike Community, they can’t be “put on hiatus” and quietly cancelled four months later
b) Republican politics hasn’t been this much fun since Colin Powell lied to the United Nations about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction
c) the Koch brothers would rather we didn’t