Remember to use the number 2 pencil you bought from one of the – ahem – street vendors outside the gymnasium. When you have finished the quiz, turn over the answer sheet and weep. Please weep quietly so as not to disturb the other students. Or, better yet, go home and sob as loudly as you desire.
SECTION I: THE CRISIS
1) According to a chart developed by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s office, three recent recessions in the United States looked like this:
What would be the best way to describe American job losses in the current economic difficulties?
a) remember the scene in those bad James Bond movie knockoffs where a car goes off a cliff and crashes and burns at the bottom? It’s like that – only greener
b) I don’t know, but what does it say about me that I see Pelosi’s profile in the blue line? And, the red line – could that be…Alfred Hitchcock?
c) you have a dirty mind and curse you for putting that image in my head, curse you, I say!
2) So, people are losing their jobs – it happens all the time. What’s the big whup?
If people don’t have jobs, they don’t have money to spend, which means more people will lose their jobs in an economic death spi – hey! Wait. This isn’t a Frequently Unasked Questions file, it’s What the Heck Do You Know? Sorry for the confusion.
a) you know what they say: tragedy is when my bonus is cut by ten dollars, comedy is when you lose your job, your EI runs out in three days and the mortgage on your house is foreclosed
b) it leads to an increase in the fear of losing one’s job (since the only economic downturn-proof jobs are prostitute, politician and producer of movies), which leads to an increase in social anxiety, which in turn leads to an increase in self-help books, and who wants that?
c) if people don’t have jobs, they don’t have money to spend, which means more people will lose their jobs in an economic death spi – Hey! Where have I heard this before?
3) What is a r…r…r…r…
a) recession?
3a) Right. What is…one of those things?
a) when you can afford to buy a new car, but you cannot afford the gas to drive it
b) when you can afford the gas to drive a car, but you cannot afford to buy a new one
c) two quarters of economic shrinkage (not that many people have two quarters any more…)
4) What is the best indicator that we are in an economic crisis?
a) the tooth fairy has started putting IOUs under children’s pillows
b) beer sales have dropped an unprecedented nine per cent in the United States. Nine per cent! Cheers is gonna go out of business! Moe’s gonna need a bailout!
c) Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame/infamy went to Washington asking for bailout money – if the porn industry has gone soft, you know we’re in trouble!
5) How widespread is the crisis?
a) it mainly affects the small town of Jack’s Scrotum, Tennessee
b) it mainly affects the small state of Tennessee
c) it mainly affects the small country of the United States of America
d) it mainly affects the small continent of North America
e) it affects the entire world (except for the small town of Jack’s Scrotum, Tennessee)
f) all of the above
SECTION II: THE CANADIAN RESPONSE
6) Yesterday, Stephen Harper’s Conservative government said there was no problem with the Canadian economy. Today, it is saying that it will have to run a $40 billion deficit over the next two years to combat Canada’s economic woes. What will it be saying tomorrow?
a) eat your greens and you’ll grow up healthy and strong (kind of like The Hulk, but more articulate…okay, and, given this government, not so green)
b) what, the sun didn’t come out? That little red-headed orphan bitch has some explaining to do…
c) the world is technically, you know, bankrupt and all, but, hey, if you eat your greens the sun will come out tomorrow
7) A large part of the Conservative government’s stimulus package involves tax breaks (uhh, incentives – I mean, err, relief), even though economists widely agree that they are not nearly as stimulative as, oh, I don’t know, direct spending. What are they thinking?
a) buying votes with taxpayer money isn’t as problematic as some (like us yesterday) might think
b) in fact, it’s kind of fun
c) seriously. You should try it some time
d) all of the above
8) Part of the Conservative stimulus package is a tax credit for people buying a home. How will this help Canadians who cannot pay the mortgages they do have?
a) what you think of as “people who are looking for their third summer home,” Conservatives think of as “our base”
b) one monster home equals 2.7 normal homes, so they figure they’re getting more bang for their tax credit buck
c) when their wealthy friends have ensured a Conservative majority in the next election, the problems of middle class Canadians will be so much worse that they’ll be positively nostalgic for the days when all they had to worry about was how they were going to pay their mortgages
9) The home renovation tax break (uhh, incentive – I mean, err, relief measure) can be used to insulate your home to save energy. It can also be used to buy a hot tub. How will buying a hot tub help the economy?
a) after a long soak you’ll be so mellow that you’ll happily give the homeless family huddled on the corner down the street $10,000
b) it will stimulate related industries, like champagne bottlers and caviar herders
c) honestly, not much, but, hey, you’ve got a new hot tub, so who cares?
10) What is the best example of “socialism with a Conservative face?”
a) the Conservatives cut spending for Canadian arts programmes, but pledge $25 million for an international arts prize (because, go figure, international artists don’t generally complain about the Canadian government cutting funding to the arts)
b) the Conservatives cut spending for academic research, but earmark $17.5 million for scholarships in business studies (maybe they figure that if there are enough MBAs in Canada, one of them will discover what to do about the tanking world economy)
c) the Conservatives cut funding for environmental projects, then decide to fast-track the vast majority of stimulus infrastructure projects by eliminating the federal environmental assessment – no, wait, that’s actually totally consistent, isn’t it? Call it “conservatism with a Conservative face”
11) With the price of oil imploding, Alberta’s boom appears to be going bust. Do you think the Conservative government is rethinking its long-standing position to bugger Canada’s manufacturing sector in favour of its resources sector?
a) nope
b) naah
c) uhh, not really, no
d) all of the above
SECTION III: THE AMERICAN RESPONSE
12) Some economists predict that the hole in the American economy could be as great as $3 trillion over the next three years. That’s a three with, uhh, four..five…well, a lot of zeroes after it. A lot of zeroes. The Obama government has passed a $787 billion stimulus package. What would be the best way to characterize the package?
a) gaaaack!
b) oi!
c) it’s not enough to fully compensate for the collapse of the economy, but at least it’s a start
d) yuuuuuurgh!
13) Almost a third of the Democratic government’s stimulus package involves tax breaks (uhh, incentives – I mean, err, relief), even though economists widely agree that they are not nearly as stimulative as, oh, I don’t know, direct spending. What are they thinking?
a) Republicans like tax breaks and we like Republicans (yes, even Eric Cantor), so let’s throw them a bone…a $275 billion bone…$275 billion worth of bones? If nothing else, it will stimulate the canine economy…
b) the budget debate is taking my attention away from the office Oscar pool – let’s just give the Republicans what they want so I can get back to what’s really important!
c) if I have to listen to one more speech by John Boehner, my head will explode – can we give Republicans the tax breaks so that he’ll shut up already?
14) Republicans rewarded the Democrats’ concession on tax breaks (whatever, whatever) by voting almost unanimously against the stimulus bill. What was their reasoning?
a) it depends on who you listen to. According to Rush Limbaugh, Barack Obama is a Communist bent on destroying America, so, naturally, you must oppose everything he wants. According to RNC head Mike “Yo, Bro, Whassup?” Steele, jobs are only real when they’re being cut by the private sector. If you listen to Alan Keyes…well, we wouldn’t force anybody to do that!
b) our state gets the money because the bill will pass no matter how much we oppose it, and we get to look fiscally conservative doing the opposing – we’re redefining win-win for the 21st century!
c) we never win the office Oscar pool, so we can debate as much as we want!
15) Why did Republicans demand a decrease of the amount of stimulus money spent on education in the Democratic stimulus package?
a) what you call “low information voters,” Republicans call “our base”
b) it’s a State thing – you wouldn’t understand…
c) our children already know how to stimulate themselves, thank you very much (now, if the money had been earmarked for more abstinence only education…)
16) Why did the Republicans demand (and receive) a cut in the amount of money given to Hollywood, spending which would certainly would have created jobs?
a) they thought The Strange Case of Benjamin Button was way too long
b) they wanted to punish Hollywood for Paul Blart: Mall Cop
c) they got sick of bloated Oscar ceremonies long before the general public did (one of those rare cases when Republicans were ahead of the curve)
17) The Republicans insist that “market forces” are the most efficient engine of economic growth. Market forces, largely unfettered by government oversight or regulation, have just about tanked the global economy. How do Republicans reconcile these points of view?
a) if you try to read the stimulus bill with your eyes half open and “The Star Spangled Banner” playing at 100 decibels, eventually you get a splitting headache and decide not to worry about it, at least until the OxyContin kicks in (at which point, you won’t be worrying about anything)
b) they’re from the Big Brother school of political thought
c) ah, see, that’s where you Liberals are wrong! Sri Lanka still has three market regulations on the books – get rid of those, and international markets will immediately right themselves!
18) Which of the following appalling lies about the stimulus package spread by Republicans will sow the most fear among Americans?
a) that it will force your doctor to give you measles shots no matter what illness you have
b) that FDR was responsible for creating the recession…of 1979!
c) that a job created by the stimulus bill isn’t really a job, it’s a sexually transmitted disease
19) Match the anti-stimulus drivel with the bipartisan Republican who said it:
a) Democrats were asking American taxpayers to “spend money we don’t have on things we don’t need”
b) the stimulus bill will be the start of the “Europeanization of America”
c) “You don’t have to call it an earmark and it doesn’t have to be technically an earmark, but … that’s certainly their effect”
i) Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn
ii) Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell
iii) Arizona Senator and former presidential candidate John McCain
20) Given their ongoing opposition to doing anything about the r…r…r…economic crisis, would it be reasonable to conclude that the Republicans want the American economy to fail?
a) well, duh
20a) What could possibly motivate them to want that?
a) they want to be the first politicians in the United States whose popularity is in negative numbers
b) if they can’t have their permanent government, they’re taking their country and going home!
c) yeah, I don’t get it, either