1) What is Roe v. Wade?
a) a choice of ways of crossing a river
b) a 1973 tennis match between a man and a woman that raised awareness of sexism in sports
c) a 1973 Supreme Court decision that allowed that women had the right to decide for
themselves whether or not they should have an abortion, because, you know, their bodies and stuff
2) What was the Court’s reasoning in Roe v. Wade?
a) freedom of choice was a Constitutional right, so the government should not be allowed to dictate how people crossed a river
b) women may generally be physically weaker than men, but individual women can be stronger than individual men, so people with XY chromosomes shouldn’t be so smug
c) the right to privacy wasn’t exactly directly stated in the Constitution, but it was kind of implied, so, okay, the right to have an abortion should kind of, a little bit, maybe be a woman’s privat decision
3) Why would a woman want an abortion?
a) the eighteen children she already has only allow her three seconds of personal time every other Tuesday, and self-actualization gurus argue that you need at least five seconds of personal time every eight and a half days to become the best version of yourself
b) ultrasounds show that the fetus will be born without a head, which makes it somewhat unlikely that it will survive (although, if it does, it has a bright future ahead of it in conservative politics), but it could kill the woman carrying it in the process
c) the woman did not consent to the sex in which the fetus was conceived, and it will be a constant reminder to her that she shouldn’t have worn those clothes, or been in that neighbourhood at that time of night, or been left alone with that relative, or any combination of these conditions
d) other horrible traumatizing – possibly life-threatening – experience
4) But…but, the innocent unborn baby!
a) well, actually, there’s no such thing as – hey! Was that a question?
4i) Not for anti-abortionists.
ai) oh. Ah. Well…for purposes of this survey, I will treat it like a question: “But…but the innocent unborn baby?” See, the thing is, there’s no such thing as an “unborn baby.” It’s known as a fetus. For most of its existence in the womb, it is reliant on a woman’s body to survive. For this reason, the Supreme Court has previously ruled that fetuses are not people until they exist outside the womb (which is to say, have been born). So, naah…naah, the dependent fetus…!
b) Christians, the vast majority of anti-abortionists, believe that we’re all born into sin, so it’s hard to know what they’re going on about
c) you know what? You really didn’t intend that to be a question, so I’m not seriously going to answer it: blargh blargh blarghity blargh with acid reflux!
5) What did women do before Roe v. Wade?
a) volunteered to be the sparring partners of heavyweight boxing contenders
b) volunteered to be the subjects of chemical toxicity experiments
c) sought dangerous back room medical procedures from doctors with dubious medical credentials who were indifferent to proper sterilization protocols
6) Sounds dangerous. Was it dangerous?
a) hardly – fewer than half of the women died in the attempt
b) no more dangerous than jumping into a live volcano
c) who can argue with the cost of freedom…of men to control the bodies of women?
7) What measures did Republican-run states take in response to Roe v. Wade?
a) they limited legal abortions to 15 weeks…after conception
b) they imposed conditions on women’s reproductive rights organizations, forcing many to close clinics where, among other things, breast cancer screenings, nutritional advice and…I may be missing something, here…there’s something else…probably related to the theme of this questionai – oh, right, abortions were being conducted
c) they criminalized aiding a woman in getting an abortion by, you know, helping her across the street (a mile away) or giving her a glass of water (two weeks before the procedure)
d) all of the above (because why stop when you’re on a roll?)
8) In response to limiting abortions, what measures did Republican-run states take to help women whom they had given no choice but to bear children?
a) they hemmed and hawed
b) they looked the other way
c) they accused Big Bird of promoting an unhealthy agenda for their children, because that’s what their base is most concerned about
9) What measures did Republicans in Washington take in response to Roe v. Wade?
a) they looked to President Richard Nixon for guidance; unfortunately he was dealing with his own problems
b) they wanted to increase the number of black men drafted into the war in Vietnam, but couldn’t convince any of them that the war hadn’t ended the year before
c) their first reaction was, “Meh. Women. Who can tell them what to do?” However, it wasn’t long before Republicans realized that calling fetuses “unborn babies” and mobilizing the religious right against abortion could be a winning issue for them. Of course, once you have won elections, you have to deliver on your promises, so Republicans – stacked is such a harsh word, don’t you think? – let’s call call it “swimming” – Republicans swimminged the Supreme Court with extreme right-wing activists who could be expected to overturn Roe v. Wade
10) Ah. Them again. The Supreme Court is set to overturn Roe v. Wade. How do we know this?
a) Justice Amy Coney Barrett told two friends, and they told two friends, and they told two friends, and they told two friends, and they told two friends, and they told two friends, and they told two friends, and they told two friends, and they told two friends, and they told two friends and then one of them thought the whole thing was less serious than a shampoo commercial and blabbed it to Fox “News”
b) Justice Brett Kavanaugh got rip-roaring at a Federalist Society hoedown and let the dead cat bounce out of the bag
c) hee hee – funny you should ask that. You see, ha ha, Justice Samuel Alito wrote a draft decision killing Roe v. Wade faster than a bug spray kills roaches in a commercial, and – no, this is the hilarious part – somebody leaked it to the press! Ha ha hee hee ho…
I, uhh, I guess you had to be there…
11) But, Roe v. Wade was an almost 50 year precedent, which had been reaffirmed by courts in many ways over the decades. How could an institution predicated on respect for precedent justify overturning such a longstanding and well-established one?
a) sure, it was precedent, the court reasoned, but it was bad precedent, so tough nougies
b) former President Donald Trump had broken so many norms while he was in office, we didn’t think anybody would notice if we tried to slip another one in
c) that’s Chief Justice John Roberts’ problem…
12) In his draft decision on Roe v, Wade, Justice Alito approvingly quoted 18th century jurist Sir Matthew Hale to bolster his argument. Which part of Hale’s legal doctrine is most applicable to the abortion debate?
a) the part where wives cannot be raped by their husbands because…reasons
b) the part where the testimony of women in rape trials should be treated with a high degree of skepticism because…other reasons
c) the part where witches are real and must be burned at the stake if society is to prosper because…reasons, some of which overlap with the reasons in the previous two answers, but also with reasons specific to this answer
d) I…may be going out on a limb, here, but I’m going to say…none of it?
13) In his draft decision on Roe v. Wade, Justice Alito quoted the following passage from a release by the Centers for Disease Control: “[N]early 1 million women were seeking to adopt children in 2002 (i.e., they were in demand of a child), whereas the domestic supply of infants relinquished at birth or within the first month of life and available to be adopted had become virtually nonexistent.” How can supporters of the draft decision defend this reference to “the domestic supply of infants?”
a) Alito didn’t write it, for Gord’s sake! He just quoted it to bolster his argument! You can’t hold somebody responsible for equating children with car parts and kumquats just because he quoted somebody else to help make his argument! That’s fascism!
b) the quote appeared in a footnote; if it wasn’t important enough to state in the body of the decision, it’s not important enough to complain about. Every graduate law student knows that!
c) if we don’t bolster the domestic supply of infants, we will have to import infants from foreign countries to keep our population growing, and that would be bad because, well, are you familiar with Great Replacement Theory?
14) Yes, and eww. But for readers who might be late to the hanging party, how does Great Replacement Theory intersect with the anti-abortion movement?
a) the way The Twilight Zone intersects with The Outer Limits, but with 77% more William Shatner
b) the country needs more white babies so white business and political leadership is not replaced (cops are doing their best, but they just aren’t killing black people fast enough); if white women won’t have more babies on their own…
c) the way that horse manure intersects with rubber baby buggy bumpers, especially if thrown at high speeds
15) What is Chief Justice Roberts’ main concern about the leak of the draft decision?
a) that overturning long-established rights is like eating potato chips – you can’t stop at just one
b) that the leak will make the court look political
c) that somebody, somewhe – sorry, was I not clear in answer b)? The leak will make the court look political, not the ruling itself. The. Leak. Not. The. Ruling. Will make the court look political
c – take 2) that somebody, somewhere, in somebody’s staff cannot be trusted with sensitive court documents, an outrage so egregious that Chief Justice Roberts will not rest until the culprit is found! (Have you noticed how much older he looks since the draft decision was leaked? Now you know why)
16) If allowed to stand, will the ruling make the court look political?
a) does the length of a circus clown’s shoes matter to clowns of the opposite sex?
b) does this dressing make me look fat?
c) more than Justice Clarence Thomas not recusing himself from cases involving his seditious wife Ginni? Is such a thing possible?
17) What have the Democrats done to ensure Justice Alito’s draft decision doesn’t become the final decision?
a) wrung their hands and gnashed their teeth
b) organized protests in favour of maintaining (Roe v. Wade); so, a mass wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth, then
c) passed term limits on Supreme Court Justi – no, no, they didn’t do that. But they did increase the number of seats on the Supreme Court in an effort to dilute the power of the far-right justi – no, they didn’t do that, either. You know…wringing your hands and gnashing your teeth are under-appreciated tools of progressive change
18) If Roe v. Wade is overturned, what will the consequences for pregnant women who don’t want children be in Republican-led states?
a) there will be a surge in volunteers to spar with heavyweight boxing contenders
b) there will be huge growth in the number of volunteers for chemical toxicity experiments
c) doctors with dubious medical credentials who are indifferent to proper sanitation techniques will see a boom in their back room medical practice
19) If the right to privacy is struck down as the basis for Constitutional protection, what other rights that Americans take for granted will be in danger?
a) the right of women to take birth control (because, remember, they’re no longer the ones in control) or men to sheath their wonky Willies during sex (Griswold v. Connecticut)
b) the right of boys (past the age of consent) to be boys with other boys (past the age of consent) (Obergefell v. Hodges)
c) the right of couples to freely mix and match their skin colour (Loving v. Virginia)
d) all of the above, and then some, baby
20) The United States is in trouble, isn’t it?
a) it depends: some people find living under a religious theocracy very comforting
b) not at all. Sure, things might get a bit harder for citizens who are gay…or people of pigment…or women, but most Americans should be fine
c) was that an uptick in American liberals moving to Canada, or was it just my imagination?