1) Russian President Vladimir Putin stated quite bluntly that he didn’t consider Ukraine a real country, and that he wanted to take it over because it should never have stopped being part of Russia. So what was the reason for the Russian invasion of Ukraine?
a) NATO allowing so many former Soviet Socialist Republics to become members that Putin felt surrounded, and nobody puts psychotic maniac in a corner
b) the Ukrainian government committing genocide of ethnic Russians within its borders
c) the Ukrainian government doing research into biological weapons that it could use against Russia
d) some people are really bad at following a simple premise, aren’t they?
2) What would best describe the reaction of Russian troops to the fact that they were not greeted by Ukrainians as liberators when they entered the country?
a) shock
b) tremendous shock, mixed with guilt and fear of how they will be judged by history and their mamas (especially their mamas)
c) you know that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you find out that everything you thought you knew about a situation you were in was a lie, but you’re now committed to a course of action based it on? Yeah, it’s like that, but without the complimentary mint on your pillow
d) other
3) Putin mentioned that he would not rule out the use of nuclear weapons in his invasion of Ukraine. How freaked out should the world be?
a) feeling a spider crawl up your arm freaked out
b) hearing a creaking in the room behind you after all of the lights have gone out n a city terrorized by a vicious serial killer freaked out
c) 1950s freaked out
4) With its ground troops bogged down, Russia is using bombs to level Ukrainian cities, killing thousands of civilians, including women and children. What could Russian President Vladimir Putin hope to accomplish with this?
a) if Russia ever does attain control over Ukraine, it can rent whole cities out to NASA to use as testing grounds for Mars missions
b) if Russia does manage to conquer Ukraine, it will be able to rent entire cities to film companies that want to produce adaptations of Arthur C. Clarke’s Rendezvous With Rama
c) to demoralize the Ukrainian population (in much the same way that Nazi military might demoralized the Russian population in World War II – I didn’t say it was a good plan…)
5) Russia has repeatedly bombed Ukrainian targets during ceasefires. This is like…
a) …eating the last piece of chocolate cake when you’ve told everybody you’re on a diet.
b) …drinking a can of beer before going to an AA meeting.
c) …a gross violation of international law, but, like, who’s counting?
6) Ukrainian President Volodmyr Zelenskyy’s plea for a no-fly zone over his country won’t fly. Why?
a) the whole potential nuclear war schemazzle
b) World War III isn’t as sexy as it was before post-apocalyptic science fiction became so popular
c) western leaders – and I’m just blueskying, here – are not psychotic maniacs?
7) Two Fox News journalists were killed in Russian bombing. How will the network’s on-air…people react to this?
a) by blaming Ukraine: if only they had peacefully allowed Russia to annex the country, their journalists would still be alive today
b) by blaming Joe Biden: if only he didn’t exist, their journalists would still be alive today
c) by blaming American doctors willing to perform abortions because…reasons…
8) The Ukrainian National Agency for the Protection against Corruption advised that citizens don’t have to declare captured tanks or other military equipment liberated from invaders as income on their taxes. What can Ukrainians actually do with this windfall?
a) a tank can comfortably house a family of four (or mildly inconveniently house a family of six, or uncomfortably house a family of 17)
b) a Stinger missile can end all arguments at the local coffee house
c) an AK-74 rifle will come in real handy at harvest time
9) Russia has claimed that Ukraine might use biological weapons against its troops. How credible is this assertion?
a) not very – Ukraine has argued that it is a false flag allegation to cover up Russia’s potential use of biological weapons
b) somewhat – Russia counter-argued that use of biological weapons would be a Ukrainian false flag operation to cover up their use of biological weapons
c) not very – it could be that Russia has accused Ukraine of conducting the false flag operation that it had intended to carry out
d) somewhat – it is possible that Ukraine is accusing Russia of conducting the false flag operation that it had intended to carry out
e) not very – it is possible that Russia is conducting a false flag operation of planting the idea that Ukraine is conducting a false flag operation about that country using biological weap – could we please stop, now? This could go on for a long time, and it’s giving me a headache…
10) Does Ukraine even have biological weapons?
a) would pampushky count? If so, yes
b) given how long the population has gone without showers, they could be considered ambulatory biological weapons!
c) they have biolabs which they say are to research COVID vaccines, but Putin doesn’t want proof of their ill intentions to be an anthrax breakout in Moscow
11) How complete is Putin’s control of Russian media?
a)
b)
c)
d) other silence
12) China, one of Russia’s few remaining allies, has not condemned the war. Why not?
a) President Xi Jinping loves Putin’s pecs and wouldn’t want to see them come to any harm
b) if Russia and the west beat each other into submission, Chinese action movies will dominate world cinema screens for decades to come
c) it’s hard to say anything with a mouth full of crude oil
13) What could change China’s position on the war?
a) Russian troops taking over Taiwan before China gets a chance to
b) nuclear radiation spilling over from the rest of the world, because World War III would certainly slow down China’s economic modernization plans
c) the west asking China nicely to stop being dicks
14) The Kremlin sent talking points to state-friendly media saying, “Use more Tucker Carlson.” The world certainly doesn’t need more Tucker Carlson; why does Russia think it does?
a) his boyish grin is infectious
b) his keen intellect always finds new angles on old stories (the fact that he often just makes them up and they rarely make sense just means…umm…did we mention how infectious his boyish grin is?)
c) he repeats Russian talking points, and you know what they say about imitation being the sincerest form of foreign propaganda…
15) The west has deployed sanctions against Russia to punish it for its aggression. How do they work?
a) they’re like withholding a child’s allowance until they’re 90, only the world has to worry about a nuclear temper tantrum
b) you take yachts away from a few Russian oligarchs, and the next thing you know they’re on the phone to Putin wondering if the whole “greater Russian state” idea is really worth it
c) you close down a few pipelines and kick Russia out of international economic organizations and the next thing you know the value of the ruble plummets, causing the Russian people to rebel against the government (to get a sense of how well that will work, see question 4, answer c)
16) What is responsible for inflation in the west?
a) the economic sanctions against Russia (although the supply chain issues that have been plaguing corporations for the past year might be a contributing factor)
b) the economic sanctions against Russia (although price gouging by oil and other companies might be a contributing factor)
c) sunspots (although the economic sanctions against Russia might be a contributing factor)
17) In a speech to Parliament, Ukrainian President Zelenskyy asked Canadians to imagine what they would do if a landmark such as the CN Tower was completely destroyed by foreign artillery. What would Canadians do if the CN Tower was completely destroyed by foreign artillery?
a) if they lived east of Ontario, they would shrug and lament dwindling lobster stocks
b) if they lived west of Ontario, they would cheer and leave oil wellheads burning for days to celebrate
c) if they lived in Ontario, they would demand that the government commit to spending tons of money in compensation, even if they don’t live anywhere near Toronto
d) all of the above, and more, because Canada is a vast and complicated country
18) Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and other Canadian political leaders have been banned from going to Russia. How should they respond?
a) with a song and a dance and some seltzer down the pants
b) with a sternly worded communique, the placebo of international politics
c) if they get that kind of response from the Russian government, they must be doing something right, so keep doing it I say
19) What does Russia think of the millions of Ukrainians who have been displaced or have had to go to neighbouring countries as refugees because of the war?
a) a good start
b) a sad waste of slave labour
c) there is no evidence that Russia has given any thought to the millions of Ukrainians who have been displaced or have had to go to neighbouring countries as refugees because of the war
20) The International Court of Justice (ICJ) in The Hague, the United Nation’s highest court, has demanded that Russia immediately stop the war in Ukraine. What was Russia’s response?
a) Putin laughed so hard, he almost forgot to accuse Ukraine of being the true war criminals…almost…
b) when the Kremlin stopped laughing, it started drafting plans to bomb The Hague
c) crickets*
* The country is rumoured to be equipping insects with weapons and training them to infiltrate European capitals.