1) What is an “octothorpe?”
a) the winner of two gold Olympic medals and a player in both the NFL and MLB in an
alternate universe where the dominant sentient creatures were soft-bodied, eight-limbed molluscs
b) the sound you and seven friends make at the end of an attempt to sky-dive without parachutes
c) a way of really pounding a message home
2) What is “shrinkfklation?”
a) what happens when somebody walks into the room while you are masturbating (often modified by the word “rapid”)
b) what happens when your psychiatrist has an inflated ego (often modified by the word “unearned”)
c) what happens when the bottle of cola shrinks to the size of an airport liquor bottle but the price remains the same (often modified by the word “ripoff”)
3) What is a “workleisure” wardrobe?
a) pyjama power suits
b) a bathing suit with a tie and a breast pocket to hold pens
c) something people will be embarrassed by when the pandemic has been conquered and they go back to working in offices. Very embarrassed by
4) What does “SPAC” stand for?
a) Species Partially Adumbrated Colloquially
b) Special Private Arterial Collateral
c) whatever its CEO can get away with (har har)
5) What is “medical fascism?”
a) governments passing health measures to, you know, keep their citizens alive and stuff
b) people protesting governments passing health measures to, you know, keep their citizens alive and stuff (or, is that “medical get out of my fascism?”)
c) the surgery technique used in the film Face/Off
6) What does the phrase “Let’s go, Brandon” signify?
a) that Brandon Routh has been dragging his ass on the set of his latest movie
b) people on the American far right always giggle when they hear it because for them it stands in for “Fuck Joe Biden.” They laugh especially hard when the phrase is repeated on social media because it feels to them like they are getting away with something naughty. It’s amazing how many Americans on the far right have given control of their lives to their inner five year-old
c) it’s a chant cheerleaders start at Brandon University Overeager Marmoset home games
7) What is the “dirt spoon generation?”
a) a generational cohort that is willing to eat using whatever utensils it can create out of whatever materials come to hand
b) a generational cohort that doesn’t clean its eating utensils on the theory that a little grit in one’s diet helps bolster their immune system
c) South Korean slang for “you’re economically screwed, have a nice day”
8) What significance does the number 88 have for the American far right?
a) if you count the letters of the alphabet, the 88th is J, which stands for JEWS!
b) if you count the letters of the alphabet for each digit, they are H H, which stands for Hollow Hedgehog, a mascot of the movement
c) using numbers to represent letters is a very Kabbalahistic thing to do; the American far right secretly admires JEWS!
9) What is “stagflation?”
a) when a male deer exaggerates the number of female deer it has mated with
b) when a male human exaggerates the number of bachelor parties he has attended
c) a dire economic condition so obscure nobody understands it and only five economists fear it (and two of them were made up faculty at Trump University)
10) Why do Jews use “Jesus Christ!” as an epithet when, for them, it isn’t blasphemous?
a) because “Moses Christ!” doesn’t have the same ring to it
b) to fit in with polite society
c) 88
11) What – and I can’t believe I am asking this – is “winter vagina?”
a) the name of the alter-ego of the Marvel character Becky Barnes
b) a feminine hygiene product for those days when the icicles hanging off your…you know feel less than fresh
c) a feminine hygiene product producers’ wet dream
12) What is “the great reset?”
a) the hope among progressives that the coronavirus will cause a rethinking of the excesses of unfettered capitalism
b) what happens to Ms. Pac Man after you’ve got a perfect game
c) what happens to used cars in lots around the world
d) the fear on the far right that the coronavirus will cause a rethinking of the excesses of unfettered capitalism
13) What is “stochastic terrorism?”
a) high school shootings (or, is that scholastic terrorism?)
b) using percentages to incite people to violence (or, is that statistical terrorism?)
c) something brown people from shithole countries do, and why isn’t anybody doing anything about it‽
14) When people say somebody is “woke,” what are they saying?
a) the person’s alarm clock works as designed
b) they want to accuse the person of being a joke, but the letter j on their keyboard isn’t working
c) that the political machine that came up with the accusation is a couple of years behind the times and hasn’t heard that “wokeness” has been replaced by “critical race theory” as a slur against liberals
15) When people accuse somebody of espousing “critical race theory,” what are they saying?
a) that studying historic patterns of institutional racism in American society is wrong because the United States is not a racist country, and if you think it is then you’re racist – anti-white prejudice is such an ugly thing! – and you better pack your bags because America, love it or leave it, baby, love it or leave it, and you don’t seem to be loving it a whole heck of a lot right now!
b) that studying historic patterns of which nations win Olympic sprinting competitions is wrong because…because…it just is, so shut up!
c) that the political machine that came up with the accusation is a couple of years behind the times and hasn’t heard that “critical race theory” has been replaced by “medical fascism” as a slur against liberals
16) What is a “ghost kitchen?”
a) a food preparation site haunted by Julia Child
b) a food preparation site haunted by Graham Kerr
c) what happens when your AI-enhanced food preparation site refuses to answer your calls or respond to your texts
17) A group of 15 to 30 Conservative Members of Parliament plan to start a “civil liberties caucus.” What is a civil liberties caucus?
a) a nice change from the uncivil taking liberties caucus the Conservative Party had become
b) a group of politicians who believe that their right to be maskless in public is more important than your right to not die of a horrible disease
c) a lost causecus
18) What are you doing if you are “scrounging the rift?”
a) looking for useful items amid the detritus ejected from the event horizon of a black hole
b) scratching your butt crack
c) scratching your butt crack amid the detritus ejected from the event horizon of a black hole
19) What is a “runner?”
a) somebody who steals cars for major smuggling rings
b) a fan of the film Logan’s Run
c) yes, I know somebody who steals cars for major smuggling rings is driving, not running, so that doesn’t make much sense. Don’t look at me – if you have a complaint about the definition, take it up with the police who use the term…
d) the star of Hawkeye
e) answer c) pretty much gave it away, didn’t it? Oh, well – there’s got to be one or two easy questions on every test. And anyway, 37% of you will still choose the wrong answer for this question – I blame the public school system for not teaching you critical thinking
20) What is “Canadianitude?”
a) aggression if necessary, but not necessarily aggression
b) you know that smug feeling you get when you see your neighbours doing something incredibly stupid and you’re certain that you would never do anything as foolish? It’s like that, only with a strong scent of maple syrup
c) something the world needs more of…if the world is, you know, okay with that…