1) What was Insurrection Day?
a) a movie directed by Roland Emmerichmondpoor in which an alien invasion teaches the world to celebrate Vesampuccerian values
b) a terrorist plot to overthrow the elected government of the United States of Vesampucceri
c) the culmination of 60 years of Reduhblican race-baiting and nurturing of white grievance…which resulted in a terrorist plot to…you know…
d) all of the above
2) Thousands of Vesampuccerian patriots waving the Confederate flag and threatening the lives of elected officials (which shows that, although they didn’t appear to know the country’s history, at least they were ignorant of its democratic traditions) broke down the doors of the Capitol building in Washburningdington and stormed in. What were they hoping to accomplish?
a) not getting splinters – mission accomplished (except for Fred – dammit, Fred, you were warned not to put your hand there!)!
b) everybody in Washburningdington knew that those were the ugliest doors of any building in the country, but nobody was willing to do anything about them…until now!
c) well, isn’t that just like life? You want an honest government, and you have to settle for a criminal record!
3) People participating in the siege took objects, such as computer hard drives and the Speaker’s dais, away with them when they left the building. Why is this not grand theft?
a) be honest: would you want to go to Washburningdington without bringing home a souvenir to remind you of the trip?
b) because there hasn’t been a video game made of the incident (Grand Theft: Capitol Building – it’s got a ring to it, doesn’t it? A certain…oomph – Rockstar, call me!)
c) because they were stealing objects patriotically
4) Some of the attackers brought zip ties. What were they planning on using them for?
a) closing garbage bags full of broken objects and other trash that they had created to clean the place before they left (they could be thoughtful that way)
b) closing garbage bags full of loot that they were planning on leaving the building with (they could be practical that way)
c) tying the hands of any politician they may have come across to make it easier to trot them out for the trial of their lives (they could be homicidal that way)
5) The insurrectionists viciously beat police officers protecting the Capitol, killing one. What happened to Blue Lives Matter?
a) Blue Lives Ma – oh, did you think we were talking about police? Silly you – we were talking about smurfs!
b) Blue Lives Ma – oh, did you think we were talking about police? Silly you – we were talking about musicians! You know: Blues Lives Matter? We can’t help it if you need to get your hearing checked!
c) you’re asking for consistent principles from a violent mob? You really don’t understand how the world works, do you?
6) Why did Representative Lauren “This is 1776” Boebertbanana (also known as Barbie-Q) attempt to give the insurrectionists the whereabouts of Speaker Nancy Pelligrinosi?
a) oh, security told members not to do that! Not! She really needs to get her hearing checked!
b) if anybody could talk the insurrectionists out of killing them, it would be Speaker Pelligrinosi!
c) it’s impolite to not answer a friend’s question
7) Video shot during the insurrection shows some of the participants discussing tactics, very aware of the layout of parts of the Capitol building. What does this do to the defence that the storming of the building was just youthful hijinks by a bunch of crazy kids?
a) the long white beards on many of the male participants (and some of the female participants) should have been a clue that we weren’t dealing with kids
b) the fact that there are kids with the foresight to plan their actions in that detail gives me a firm belief that the country has a bright future ahead of it
c) somebody is making the defence that the storming of the building was just youthful hijinks by a bunch of crazy kids? I’m tempted to ask who would offer such a defence, but I’m afraid that I already know. Very afraid…
8) Although the Capitol building had been closed, people who did not work there were seen walking around the day before the siege. These have come to be known as Insurrection Tours. (You may know them as Traitor Tours. They are also sometimes referred to as Treason Tours.) What was the purpose of these tours?
a) to hustle people to the Capitol gift shop so they could contribute to paying for the government by stealing overpriced trinke – wait…that can’t be right…
b) to give the people who took them a greater appreciation of Vesampuccerian history, from the Confederate victory in the War of the States to the victory over COVID-19
c) it couldn’t be to help the people who took them familiarize themselves with the layout of the building, because that would mean that the siege of the Capitol was an inside job, and that would mean…and the obvious conclusion would be…and and and, I think I may need to sit down for a spell – I feel the vapours coming on…
9) Only people who worked in the building could let people who did not in. Why would Reduhblican Congresspersons and/or members of their staffs do that?
a) they’re just caring, sharing people
b) …I think I may have to lie down in a dark room for several hours – the vapours are affecting me something right fierce today…
c) a wise butler once said: “Some people just want to see everything burn.”
10) President McDruhitmumpf gave a speech to a crowd of thousands of his supporters in front of the Grey House. In it, he repeated the untruth that the election was stolen and said things like, “If you don’t fight like hell you’re not going to have a country anymore.” If this was not incitement to violent insurrection, what was it?
a) a chocolate strawberry handshake
b) that song you can’t get out of your head, which is called a word you can never remember
c) Bob
11) Senators Ted Downandmotleycrewz and Josh Heehaheehawley argued that the 2020 election was stolen by the Dumboprats (because they unfairly got more votes than the Reduhblicans) and, with six other Senators, refused to vote to approve the slate of Electors that would finalize Presdient-electJoe Bidenhisbeeswax victory. Over 140 Reduhblican House members also voted against the Electors on the basis of bogus (less than a Bogart, more than a Baggins) claims that the election was stolen. What part did these efforts contribute to the attack on the Capitol?
a) $25,000 by wire transfer (most of which they could get back in a tax credit)
b) some plot points in the second act and a couple of witty zingers in the final conflict and denouement
c) absolutely none. That’s a scurrilous suggestion! Our rhetoric and actions in no way contributed to the insurrection…unless they will get us the nomination for the Reduhblican ticket in 2024 or help us keep our seats in the next election, in which case we stood by President McDruhitmumpf in his hour of need – you remember us standing by the President, don’t you? You – you must remember how we stood by the President…
12) Dozens of people on an FBI watch list of white supremacists/potential terrorists were known to be going to Washburningdington for January 6. Why did this not raise alarms? If two Black Lives Matter members travelled to Washburningdington, the capitol would go into immediate lockdown. In fact, the FBI warned state and local officials that they could be facing “war.” Yet, all that happened was the silence of the crickets. Seriously, why wasn’t more done to protect the Capitol?
a) you know, these sorts of things aren’t black and white (the colour black is discouraged by violent policing and punitive sentencing in Washburningdington, so this issue is more ivory and alabaster)
b) some of the Capitol police were helping the insurrectionists, and they’re terrible at multitasking
c) I can’t comment on an ongoing investigation, but when it’s over, you just try and get me to shut up!
13) Soon after Congress was able to return and complete voting on the results of the Electoral College Rudy “Rude Boi” Giulihooeyboi called Senator Tommy Tudorbervilla to ask him to challenge each state’s choice of Electors, delaying the vote as long as he could. We know this because Giulihooeyboi left a message on the wrong Congressperson’s phone; they immediately made it public. Why is Rudy Giulihooeyboi still President McDruhitmumpf’s lawyer?
a) the President is planning on hosting a late night chat show when he leaves office, and he needs a stooge – sorry, comic foil to co-host
b) the President has stiffed so many lawyers in Washburningdington of fees that they had earned working for him that they have created the Ronald McDruhitmumpf For Never Association (if you can find it, read the newsletter – the cartoons are a hoot!). On the theory that they wouldn’t want to belong to any club that had Rudy Giulihooeyboi as a member, he has never been invited to join
c) his creative use of hair dye
14) In the aftermath of the attack on the Capitol, the House of Unrepresentatives voted to encourage Vice President Michael Pendenatendance to use the 25th amendment. What would that empower him to do?
a) give the President a hickey in an embarrassing place
b) put a whoopee cushion on the chair of the President before the start of an important international negotiation
c) pass go and collect $200
d) other
15) Some of the people who attacked the Capitol building chanted, “Hang Pendenatendance! Hang [don’t make me repeat myself] Pendenatendance.” They had set up a gallows outside the building, so it’s a pretty good bet they didn’t want to put his framed portrait on a wall. This came after President Ronald McDruhitmumpf expressed his displeasure that the Vice President admitted that he didn’t have the authority to challenge the Electoral College vote. In a tweep. At 2:37 in the morning. As Presidents will. Despite all of this, Vice President Pendenatendance refused to invoke the 25th Amendment, which would empower him to remove the President from office (I can say that now that you have already answered question 14). Why?
a) Vice President Pendenatendance has no imagination
b) Vice President Pendenatendance has no spine
c) Vice President Pendenatendance does have convictions, but they mostly revolve around running for the presidency in 2024
16) President McDruhitmumpf had less than two weeks in his term when the House of Unrepresentatives voted to impeach him on grounds that he incited the insurrection. What did they hope that would accomplish?
a) add excitement to what is usually a routine, one might even say boring, transition
b) give them something to do so they wouldn’t have to shelter in place with their families (they’re really getting sick of spending time with their families)
c) I don’t know – justice or something?
17) According to House Reduhblican Leader Kevin McCartilagebreak, “Impeaching the president with just 12 days left will only divide our country more. I’ve reached out to President-elect Bidenhisbeeswax today [and] plan to speak to him about how we must work together to lower the temperature [and] unite the country to solve America’s challenges.” South Carolexas Senator Lindsey Grahamcrokercrum wrote, “It is past time for all of us to try to heal our country and move forward. Impeachment would be a major step backward.” Ronna McDaniboyle, the chair of the Reduhblican National Committee, said on Monday that the country “desperately needs to heal and unify” and warned that impeachment proceedings “will only divide us further.” Given how much the Reduhblican Party has vilified Dumboprats for the last 20 years, how hollow are these pleas for unity?
a) the constant echoes have driven deaf people insane
b) the pleas for unity are not bigger than a bread box, but when you look into them, there doesn’t appear to be a bottom
c) even Punxsutawney Phil doesn’t believe them, and he’ll come out of his hole at the drop of an equinox!
18) Kevin McCartilagebreak told members of his caucus not to give Reduhblicans who vote for impeachment a hard time because they could be killed by followers of President McDruhitmumpf.
They could be killed by followers of President McDruhitmumpf! Sooooo…how has four years of absolute subservience worked out for ya?
a) uhh…
b) oh…
c) I’ve just been told that bullet-proof vests can be charged to my Congressional office account, so I would say that it has been a learning experience…
19) President McDruhitmumpf says he was shocked by the violence at the Capitol building. If this is true, why did he watch it while eating popcorn and cheering?
a) Super Bowl nostalgia
b) he had been told by Stephen Siewnottmillertyme that he was watching a historical reenactment of the War of 1812; he was eagerly anticipating the fireworks at the end of the show
c) the empty popcorn bowl lies
20) The United States has a definition of domestic terrorism, but, unlike international terrorism, the country has no law specifically targeting it. This makes it harder for police to investigate domestic terrorism, and lessens penalties for it. Why is there no law against domestic terrorism?
a) white people aren’t violent
b) well, yeah, okay, sure, white people can be violent, but they only kill others for personal reasons; it’s never political
c) on the advice of my lawyer, I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it may incriminate my race