continued…
41) How could the United States Senate pass a bill that would give business $136 billion worth of tax cuts?
a) well, you know, when you’re looking at a deficit of $4.5 trillion, $136 billion seems like chump change
b) only four corporations have been accused of cheating shareholders and/or the public out of billions of dollars this month – that’s the kind of strong corporate governance that deserves to be rewarded
c) it’s an election year – it’s not like anybody’s paying attention…
42) What are “contingent commissions?”
a) when the movie is long enough, the theatre gives you 15 minutes to stretch your legs and – no, wait, those are contingent intermissions
b) what you get for selling more than your quota of adult diapers to – no, wait, those are incontinent commissions
c) when insurance brokers take commissions from insurance companies as well as the people they sell to – no, wait, those are just kickbacks
43) How will Wendy Lee Gramm’s experience as a member of the board of directors of Enron help her fulfill her US State Department funded mission to promote women’s political and economic participation in Iraq?
a) she’ll teach Iraqi women all about the most up-to-date accounting practices, and best practices for how to avoid doing any jail time after employing them
b) she’ll explain to them the importance of women following lucrative careers so that they can be independent of the men in their lives…right after they marry powerful politicians
c) how does the Buddha remain so jolly in the face of endless rounds of desire and suffering?
44) If you were a young woman, which of the following flavourings would make you most likely to take up smoking?
a) Berry, Berry Quite Contrary
b) Hint O’ Mint
c) Pineapple Punch
d) Crème de l’Emancipation
45) How did the Canadian government’s $1.9 billion surplus turn into a $9.1 billion surplus?
a) sorry, all of the dyslexia jokes have been taken (okay, I’m not that sorry – it’s not like they were all that funny to begin with)
b) are you familiar with the story “Jack and the Beanstalk?” Well, it’s like that, only on water skis
c) it’s all in the wrist action
46) At least 11 Al Qaeda suspects in US custody have disappeared. Where did they go?
a) to Casablanca for the waters
b) the Pamplona for the running of the bulls
c) underground – literally, not figuratively
47) What is one Celine Dion worth to Air Canada?
a) 37 pilots
b) 256 mechanics
c) 652 maintenance workers
d) one third of a CEO
e) any credibility the company may have once been desperately clinging to
48) Okay, just what the heck was that bulge in President Bush’s jacket during the presidential debates?
a) have you ever seen the movie How To Get Ahead In Advertising?
b) the President was packing heat! (He, uhh, just, isn’t entirely clear on how to use a shoulder holster…)
c) if he was just glad to see John Kerry, I don’t wanna know!
49) Should Canada allow the sale of Noranda to a Chinese company in spite of that government’s atrocious human rights record?
a) yes
b) YES
c) HELL, YES!
50) You’re a Noranda shareholder, aren’t you?
a) wh…why…no…whatever gave you that idea?
b) what’s the difference? Soon, the Chinese government will be giving the Canadian government lessons on dealing with terrorists
c) yes, and damn proud of it! Because, frankly, it’s the investor class that made this country what it is today!
51) You mean, the kind of country where its government feels powerless to stop its corporations from selling out to brutal, non-democratic dictatorships?
a) yes
b) YES
c) HELL , YES!
52) I sense a recursive loop coming on here, so allow me to change the subject: part of the Ontario Liberal Party’s successful campaign platform involved a pledge to play nicer with the province’s doctors than the previous Conservative government. How has Health Minister George Smitherman kept this promise?
a) by claiming that wages in hospitals are too high
b) by accusing hospital boards of bad administration
c) by holding back on the policy of chopping off the limbs of hospital board members who allow their facilities to run a deficit…for now…
53) Six men arrested for protesting the abuse at Abu Ghraib prison by stripping down to their thong underwear and forming a human pyramid during a visit by President George W. Bush were released without charges being pressed. What have we learned from this?
a) Republicans have no appreciation of performance art
b) the fashion police don’t have nearly as much power as one might have thought
c) just how far we’ve come from Frankie and Annette
54) Why don’t I plan on doing a joke about Martha Stewart developing “innovative ways to do microwave cooking” while in prison?
a) Leno and Letterman are already all over it
b) people who have committed crimes against society, been found guilty and been incarcerated for their trouble are no laughing matter, mister – except for Charles Manson, who never fails to elicit a chuckle – so, ahem, so wipe that grin off your face!
c) because, ultimately, it’s more funny peculiar
55) On the hust(l)ings, George Bush said of Republican opponent John Kerry: “He can run – he can even run in camo – but he can’t hide.” Hide from what, exactly?
a) incorrect sports references
b) giant nuclear mutated ants
c) a President who sees everything in terms of war (and wouldn’t you love to play Monopoly with him – or, maybe, Twister?)
56) On what authority does actor Patrick Swayze criticize the American handling of the war in Iraq?
a) he’s been raising Arabian horses for over 20 years
b) part of the Screen Actors Guild’s standard contract is a clause that allows performers to make political statements regardless of their actual knowledge of a subject at any time to any media that will pay attention (and you thought you had a strong union!)
c) whatever else you may think of him, he still knows more about the world than President Bush does
57) What is the best response to somebody who has just shouted: “Oskiweewee!”?
a) “Thanks for sharing. You want some help getting off the floor now?”
b) “I’m sorry, I don’t speak Scandinavian.”
c) “I’m not saying Oskiwawa, so don’t even bother trying to make me!”
58) What exactly are CIBC “borrowing solutions?”
a) something that dissolves your savings 17.5 times faster than traditional acids
b) something to clean your glasses in while signing that 27th mortgage
c) they used to be called interest rates, you know, back when words in the English language actually meant something
59) Match the following American Supreme Court Justices with the odds that they will snuff it in the next two years.
a) Antonin Scalia
b) Sandra Day O’Connor
c) John Paul Stevens
d) William Rehnquist
i) even
ii) 3-1 against
iii) 7-3 against
iv) 100-1 against (unfortunately)
60) Given the complete lack of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, how could the Bush administration have claimed (repeatedly and under no duress) in the run-up to the war that Saddam Hussein was armed to the teeth, a clear and present danger to the United States?
a) Donald Rumsfeld wasn’t wearing his glasses (vanity, thy name is Secretary of State!)
b) it was the worst case of projection the world has ever seen, inevitable fodder for graduate papers in psychiatric journals for decades to come
c) well, as they used to say in the Office of Special Plans, you just gotta have Feith