241) Why should Ontario embrace private money for public works?
a) because cutting taxes was only the first part of our plan. Having private companies build roads and schools and hospitals and the like was the other part. Why the hell not? We can afford the best, and we don’t really care what happens to – oh, wait, you weren’t supposed to know this…
b) because warm hugs help a province develop higher self-esteem
c) because (put finger to dimple and smile fetchingly) the private investment in highway 407 has worked out so well that, golly, gee, we want to do it all over again with even more vital provincial infrastructure
242) According to a law recently passed by the state legislature, citizens of Florida will be allowed to shoot anybody they feel has provoked them. What will constitute such a provocation?
a) not returning a popular video to the store on time
b) having an anti-NRA sticker on your bumper
c) flicking boogers in the wrong, tragically wrong direction
243) Match the Parliamentary tactic with the political party that pursued it.
a) offering to hold a binding confidence vote in a week, after which two of the opposing party members may be in hospital
b) holding a surprise non-binding confidence vote knowing that members of the opposing party are not in the House of Commons, that one of them is, in fact, in the hospital, then complaining that the opposing party won’t call a binding confidence motion until after two of your party members are in the hospital
c) watching Parliament destroy itself because, hey, you’re really just not into it
i) the Liberal Party
ii) the Conservative Party
iii) the Bloc Quebecois
244) Senator George Voinovich said that John Bolton, President George W. Bush’s nominee for the position of US Ambassador to the UN, “is the poster child of what someone in the diplomatic corps should not be.” Yet, given the opportunity to kill Bolton’s nomination, Voinovich voted to pass it on to the Senate instead. Why?
a) he didn’t want Bolton chasing him down the Senate hallway, shouting abuse
b) he didn’t want Bolton browbeating CIA analysts into announcing he had weapons of mass destruction, because the President just might believe them…
c) it was a matter of principle – the principle of having a hope in hell of getting reelected
245) What is schadenfreude?
a) the German term for what you get when you put a famous psychologist under a tree
b) the belief that somebody, somewhere is more unhappy than you are – and, isn’t that a wonderful thing?
c) a new Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavour that comes with real lumps of coal
246) What do you first think when you hear somebody like Conservative MPP Bob Runciman say something about Belinda Stronach like, “She sort of defined herself as something of a dipstick, an attractive one, but still a dipstick, with what she’s done here today. She is, at the end of the day, going to paint herself as something of a joke.”?
a) “Sexist much?”
b) “You know, when I think of powerful, middle aged white males, I never imagine them to be soooooo whiny….”
c) “He’s just jealous that she looks better in a Christian Dior ball gown than he does.”
247) At a $250-a-plate gala in his honor, Representative Tom DeLay accused the Democrats of having “no class.” What’s wrong with this picture?
a) DeLay ate his filet mignon with his desert fork
b) overexposure (maybe you should check the built-in light meter)
c) the money he collected won’t quite cover his planned trip to the moon in a couple of months (but, not to worry: Tom thinks he knows where he can get the rest of the money to cover it…)
248) Some pharmacists refuse to fill legally prescribed contraceptives for women, claiming that to do so would go against their religious beliefs. What other drugs might they refuse to sell?
a) Viagra for elderly men, in the (almost undoubtedly correct) belief that the sex likely wouldn’t lead to procreation
b) antihistamines, because they’re not mentioned anywhere in the Bible
c) Tylenol. Come on, we’re all sinners and if we have a headache, it is god’s punishment for whatever we may have done wrong, and who is a pharmacist to go against god’s will?
249) What is a 501 (C)(3)?
a) George Lucas’ original name for C3PO
b) the latest private highway to be built in Ontario
c) the third version of a 501 (C), of course
250) The Goliath Casket Company has just built a coffin that is seven feet wide. Who is it for?
a) 23 Ethiopians
b) four Frenchmen
c) one American
251) A former employee of breast-implant manufacturer Mentor Corp. alleged workers were so fearful of bosses finding defective implant parts that they hid the parts in the ceiling. How did the company find out?
a) they broke, oozing silicone onto the shop floor
b) one day, the assembly line started speeding up, and Lucy and Ethel started stuffing implants down their shirts to make them go away; management got suspicious when the women tried to leave with three foot breasts
c) you think the company found out? Shh…
252) Why did the FBI Joint Terrorism Task Force try to interview Sarah Bardwell, 21, and her housemate, Mackenzie Liman, 22, about their involvement with groups that distribute food to poor people and fix bicycles for low-income children?
a) because if poor people had proper nutrition, they would have the energy to riot in the streets in protest of their wretched condition, and we cannot have that!
b) because if poor children could ride bicycles, they would be able to distribute flyers inviting the newly powerful poor adults to join in the riot, and we cannot have that!
c) because Bardwell and Liman are babes, and being a member of the FBI Joint Terrorism Task Force can be awfully lonely…
253) The Royal Canadian Mint’s special poppy quarter ran into some production problems, with hundreds of thousands of the coins being printed red on the wrong side. What does this look like?
a) somebody has hit the Queen with a tomato
b) what the Queen would look like if she had appeared in the House of Wax remake
c) a windfall for speculators
254) MP Carolyn Parrish, who had abdominal pain before the confidence vote in the House of Commons, stated “there’s no friggin’ way I’m going to let one ovary bring down the government.” Too much information?
a) hell, yes – you would never have heard Mackenzie King saying that!
b) absolutely! We’re freakin’ drowning in information! What we need is an anti-Google: you know, a search site that tells us what Web sites to stay away from! I’m, uhh, not sure what that has to do with the reproductive organs of a sitting Member of Parliament, but I do feel strongly about it…
c) naah – I’m okay with it. Now, if Paul Martin ever talks about having prostate problems…
255) Which technology was described as “revolutionizing communication by allowing anybody with something to say to say it to anybody willing to listen?”
a) blogs
b) the World Wide Web
c) the video camera
d) the printing press
e) all of the above
256) After being heckled by both sides on a trip to Israel, First Lady Laura Bush said that it showed that passions were running high among Palestinians and Israelis, and that, “We’re reminded again of what we all want, what every one of us prays for.” What would that be?
a) a life size inflatable Dick Cheney doll
b) beachfront property at affordable prices
c) a pool full of rice pudding and a leggy – oww! Oww! Leggo! Okay, okay, world peace, world peace, already! Oww! Now, let go of my ear!
257) A drug called dapoxetine appears to delay orgasm in men. What are some of the side effects?
a) greater possibility of women getting to work late the next morning
b) increase in macho boasting about sexual prowess around the water cooler
c) increased likelihood of dapoxetine jokes on late night television
d) other
258) What do you think when you hear that there is no investigation under way
of allegations that the Mexican founder of a conservative religious order had
sexually abused seminarians more than 30 years ago, and that the Vatican has no
plans to bring a church trial against the priest?
a) was Barbara Boxer wearing any underwear…?
b) hmmm…how long is that going to take to heal?
c) meet the new Pope – same as the old Pope
259) What did Mexico President Vicente Fox’ comment that Mexicans were so hard working that they were willing to take jobs “that not even blacks want to do in the United States” really mean?
a) free trade in racism is working well
b) he’ll win the approval of right wing talk show hosts (but they still won’t want to be seen at parties with him unless he’s serving them canapes)
c) six more weeks of winter
260) How much blood would you estimate has been spilled in the name of religion in the past 2,000 years?
a) enough to fill my pool…okay, maybe more than once (but I would have rather had rice puddi – no, no, not the eyes!)
b) enough to fill Lake Ontario (at least we wouldn’t have to worry about the zebra mussel ever again)
c) enough to fill the Atlantic Ocean (and wouldn’t that make taking a cruise to Europe much more interesting…)