141) What is the difference between a private Social Security account and a personal Social Security account?
a) what is the difference between a raven and a writing desk?
b) a private account is something you settle behind closed doors, while a personal account is…uhh…also something you settle behind closed doors…
c) this is another one of your Zen koans, isn’t it? You can’t fool me – the answer is, like, purple or something
142) Democrats! How many elections are you going to allow the Republicans to steal before you DO SOMETHING?
a) oh, well, aah, steal is such a harsh term, don’t you think?
b) we are doing something! We’re polling unaffiliated voters in swing states who have strong opinions on electoral reform to see what they would like us to do…all 12 of them…
c) look, just because we’re willing to borrow planks from the Republican platform doesn’t mean we want borrow their tactics – how low do you think we’re prepared to go just to win an election?
143) A group of chemical companies funds a lobbying organization called The Toronto Environmental Coalition. Land developers fund a group called The Greenbelt Coalition. Which of the following lobby groups would make you throw up your hands in despair and run screaming from the room (assuming you haven’t already)?
a) The Free Speech Forever Coalition (funded by the Reverend Wildmon, the Traditional Values Coalition and other pro-censorship individuals and groups)
b) The Keep Our Children Safe Coalition (funded by NAMBLA)
c) The Safer and Happier World Coalition (funded by al Qaeda and other terrorist organizations)
144) After her cell phone was hacked into and the names of the people whose numbers were in it was publicly revealed, Paris Hilton stated, “I don’t know why this stuff always happens to me…” Why does this stuff always happen to her?
a) bad karma from her previous life as a groundhog
b) don’t let her kid you – she wants the world to know how exclusive the numbers on her cell phone are
c) because she’s a celebrity. C-E-L-E-B-R-I-T-Y. Oddly enough, stuff like this rarely happens to people who are not celebrities
145) According to Amnesty International, there have been more rapes, murders and sexual abuse of women in Iraq since the Americans started occupying the country. How would a reasonable person respond to this information?
a) by condemning Amnesty International as a leading supporter of terrorism throughout the world
b) the people who support the war by and large believe that a woman’s place is in the home – this just enforces that idea
c) with envy: the United States seems to be moving forward into the 19th century, but, not to be outdone, Iraq seems to be moving forward into the 12th century
146) How can one make sense of Conservative MP Jason Kenney’s statement, “Gays have every right to marry whoever they want – as long as it isn’t someone of the same sex?”
a) it’s like saying, “You can order anything you want at that restaurant – as long as you want veal.”
b) it’s like saying, “You can watch any programme on any station on TV – as long as you watch CSI on CTV.”
c) one can’t – what do you think one is, a miracle worker?
147) What is the most surprising revelation about cows to come out of the Compassion in World Farming conference?
a) a cow wrote War and Peace, but was cheated out of the credit (and the money) by a conniving human being
b) cow flatulence is a both cost-effective and environmentally friendly way of powering automobiles
c) it was a horse, not a cow that caused the great Chicago fire: Elsie was trying to put it out, but failing because of her lack of an opposable thumb, when she was discovered
148) The Russian-built Kombat is a car that cannot be stopped with an anti-tank missile. Why would anybody need to drive a car that cannot be stopped with an anti-tank missile?
a) to show the local PTA that you mean business!
b) because the power of the NRA has gotten way out of control!
c) to evade an attack by Arab terrorists angry that your country has invaded their country to get control of the enormous amount of gasoline you need to…drive a car that cannot be stopped with an anti-tank missile
149) What do profits smell like?
a) napalm, with just a hint of coriander
b) purple
c) the glossy paper of the magazine in which the study of what profits smell like is published
150) Can you really believe Ernst Zundel, poster child for the racist right, is finally out of Canada?
a) absolutely! The moment his airplane left Canadian airspace, I felt a strengthening of The Force
b) yes – Paul Fromm’s swastika is flying at half mast
c) I won’t believe it until I dance on the smoking embers of his Web site
151) Can you believe it took a federal security certificate to finally get Holocaust denier and hardhat chic enthusiast Ernst Zundel out of Canada?
a) aww, you’re not going to get all free speechy and civil libertarian on us and spoil our party, now, are you?
b) you know, freedom’s just another word for nobody left to let loose
c) uhh…purple?
152) There were rumours that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice might not officially visit Canada in order to show American displeasure at the Martin government’s decision not to join the US’ missile defence plan. Then, she announced she would come after all. What was that about?
a) those Americans sure know how to create suspense, don’t they?
b) giving the Canadian press an excuse to bash Martin for his government’s missile defence decision for one more day
c) just another example of the consistently decisive about-facedness that has been the hallmark of the Bush administration since it took office
153) Harlan, Sprague, Dawley has settled a lawsuit in which the National Institute of Aging claimed that the mice it supplied the Institute with lacked “genetic integrity,” and were, therefore, worthless to its research. What will happen to the mice now?
a) they’ll be regular guests on Hannity and Colmes
b) the odds are good that they won’t be appearing in a Happy Meal in your neighbourhood
c) they’ll be called as witnesses in Michael Jackson’s defense
154) What would be a good slogan for Dose, CanWest Global’s new free publication aimed at the much coveted 18 to 34 year-old demographic?
a) “Get your weekly Dose…”
b) “The cure for the common cold sore…”
c) “How do you think your parents will react when they find out you read something called Dose?”
155) Alan Greenspan has pointed out that “the consequences for the US economy of doing nothing [about persistent high government deficits] could be severe.” Why didn’t he say something as the deficit soared into the hundreds of billions of dollars in President Bush’s first term?
a) he was hit in the head in a small Texas town and thought he was Betty Page
b) he was too fascinated by the piece of string they dangled before him, and kept pawing at it
c) it wouldn’t have been funny if he had said it right away
156) Ozzie Osborne is releasing an album of cover tunes! Which song would you most like to hear the former Black Sabbath frontman turned reality TV dad cover?
a) “I’m a Little Tea Pot”
b) “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?”
c) “4.33”
d) other
157) The American State Department has claimed in its annual report on human rights that Canada had problems with such issues as a rise in police brutality, anti-Semitic acts and violence against women, particularly aboriginal women. As a patriotic Canuckistanian, how do you respond to this?
a) I’m sure all those people doing arts and crafts at Guantanamo Bay Summer Camp are glad they didn’t make it into the report
b) if Syria is as bad as the report makes out, how come the American government sends people there on all expenses paid vacations?
c) uhh, you think maybe we should press the Canadian government to do something about…naah
d) hey! – as long as I’ve got Canadian Idol, I’m good
158) Why maple syrup?
a) because it’s there
b) we could tell you, but then we’d have to toast you
c) indentured servitude – not just for the 17th century any more!
159) Resting its case, the prosecution in the trial of Bernard Ebbers argued that a “perfect storm” of circumstances led to the former WorldCom chief executive officer’s corruption. What exactly is a “perfect storm” in cases such as this?
a) I don’t know – why don’t you ask somebody who went to law school?
b) I don’t know, and I went to law school
c) I don’t know, but I bet it sounds more impressive in Latin – everything sounds more impressive in Latin
160) The federal Conservatives warned the Liberals that they would not support a budget that included money to buy “hot air” emission credits to help fulfill Canada’s Kyoto Protocol commitments. How easy is this joke to write?
a) so easy you could do it, and your idea of great comedy is a belching contest at Hooters
b) so easy children in wombs across the country are already making it
c) so easy Air Farce is already working on a 10 minute sketch on the subject