381) What is an “australus?”
a) an ancient branch of human beings that discovered the joys of cannabis, then promptly died out from a lack of chips and brownies to satisfy their munchies
b) a steak made from Roo’s moth – dear god, is nothing sacred?
c) a machine that can determine the precise latitude and longitude of Pamela Anderson at any given moment in time
382) Why is Canada sending 2,000 more soldiers to Afghanistan?
a) to free up enough American soldiers to replace their killed brothers in Ira – oops, too late. Still, as futile gestures go…
b) if Canadian soldiers don’t get sent to enough foreign countries, recruits can sue the army for false advertising
c) body bag envy
383) Complete the following sentence: “I don’t play the blame game, but…”
a) “…my government’s belief that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction was caused by faulty intelligence from the CIA.”
b) “…the destruction wreaked by Hurricane Katrina was made worse by a slow response from the Mayor of New Orleans and other local officials.”
c) “…I can’t think of a single thing I’ve done wrong, so any problems you find in my administration’s decisions must be somebody else’s fault.”
3[19]84) You think the NSA being given by the President the ability to spy without court order is a good idea? Why did the FBI eavesdrop on the communications of Quakers in Florida?
a) they believe in peace, and anybody who has seen a Hollywood movie knows that people like that will stop at nothing to get it!
b) flying planes into buildings, disrupting Presidential photo opportunities – it’s such a fine line…
c) somebody in the White House mistook them for Al-Quakers
385) The United States will not hand jails or individual detainees over to Iraqi authorities until they demonstrate higher standards of care. What might those standards be?
a) when they pull out people’s fingernails, they use sterilized pliers
b) no waterboarding on weekends or holidays
c) receipt of a memo from government lawyers saying that, while their interrogation techniques may seem harsh, Iraqi officials do not engage in torture (in that very narrow legally defined way that we’ve all come to know and love)
386) What’s the difference between a photo opportunity and a press availability?
a) it’s like…it’s like the difference between an electric coffee maker and a player piano
b) where you place the camera
c) if you have to ask, you shouldn’t be applying for the job of press secretary
387) What is “erroneous rendition?”
a) when you single a Beatles song at a concert full of Rolling Stones fans
b) the working title of Green Day’s next album
c) I don’t know, but the CIA sure has been doing a lot of it lately…
388) Why is the Canadian government opposed to a ban on dragging the ocean floor for bottom-feeding fish?
a) have you ever seen catfish? They’re just not as cute as baby harp seals
b) to keep the country’s perfect record of protecting the environment intact
c) where would the Liberal Party be able to find Cabinet ministers?
389) Playboy Enterprises is planning on publishing its magazine in India without the nudity. But, what is Playboy without the nudity?
a) Popular Mechanics without the mechanics
b) Vanity Fair with a bigger ego
c) Frank without the offensive humour
390) Where does the time go?
a) Acapulco
b) it falls into that awkward space behind the fridge
c) into the time out corner for diddling on the rug. Bad, time, bad!
391) Why have Rihab “Dr. Germ” Taha and Huda “Mrs. Anthrax” Ammash, who were supposedly behind Saddam Hussein’s chemical weapons programmes, been quietly released without charge after two and a half years imprisonment by American forces in Iraq?
a) everybody’s got to have a hobby…
b) Rihab was called “Dr. Germ” because she always seemed to have a cold and Huda was called “Mrs. Anthrax” because her falafels tasted deadly – it was an honest mistake
c) if you had to admit that the man you tortured gave you false information about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction, wouldn’t you want to do it quietly?
392) When you hear that arts groups hope to set the agenda in the federal election, what immediately comes to mind?
a) a puppy being held firmly in a vise
b) a 25 gallon drum full of liquefied grant proposals
c) Jana Sterbak’s “Vanitas: Flesh Dress for an Albino Anorectic” (but you probably know it as “the meat dress”)
393) Is a “Christocrat” really what it sounds like?
a) yes – it’s one of Disney’s aristocrats wrapped in paper by Christo
b) yes – it’s Jesus sitting behind a desk in a pinstripe suit signing execution forms
c) no – it’s worse
3[1]9[8]4) You still think the NSA being given by Dubya the ability to spy without court order is a good idea? Why did the FBI eavesdrop on the communications of the animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals?
a) wiretaps, well, they’re like peanuts…
b) somebody in the White House thought PETA was an acronym for People for the Ethical Treatment of Arabs, those subversive bastards!
c) what do you think the government practices its torture techniques on?
395) What, exactly, is a one way ticket to Hell and back?
a) a round trip ticket for somebody unclear on the concept
b) asking for bobby pins when you really want bowling pins
c) a Christmas election
396) Now that the United Nations has banned the global trade in caviar, how are people going to satisfy their cravings for the delicacy?
a) put half a bag of salt in their tapioca pudding
b) I gotta find me a dealer, man – like – sniff, sniff – do you know anybody who has some good roe? I can pay top coin…
c) they’re going to start beluga farms in their backyards and harvest the fish eggs themselves. Expect Fish Farming Monthly to be the talk of all the better parties next season…
397) And, speaking of the better parties, why is the fact that Paris Hilton is being sued by another heiress for defamation of character news?
a) Michael Jackson has been lying low lately
b) nobody in the press really understands the Abramov scandal (don’t be so smug – do you?)
c) history will show that Paris Hilton was the most important hotel heiress turned actress of the 21st century
398) Executives at Star Flow Entertainment have reversed themselves and now say that people over 45 who attend the Rolling Stones Superbowl halftime concert will be allowed to dance on the field. What is the meaning of this?
a) walkers rock!
b) Mick Jagger will get competition singing from people his own age
c) I gotta stop reading American news on the Web
399) Stepping down as House majority leader, Representative Tom DeLay said “During my time in Congress, I have always acted in an ethical manner within the rules of our body and the laws of our land.” What do you think?
a) the fish rots from the head down…EWW!
b) he deserves an Oscar for being able to say that with a straight face, but I guess he’s too late for this year’s ceremony
c) what did you expect him to say? “Aw, gee, you got me. I was sucking back the pork like nobody else in Congress, and we got us some pretty corrupt good old boys down there in Washington.” If nothing else, that would certainly make DeLay’s 2012 Presidential run a lot harder!
400) What is your New Year’s resolution?
a) I will stop strangling elves (as much as the little bastards deserve it)
b) I will make the world a better place, or, barring that, I will stop buying the most expensive shoes in the store
c) I will take Stephen Harper more ser – ha ha – more serious – oh, hee hee, ha ha – to take – snurf, guffaw! – to, uhh, to lose some weight. Yeah. That’s it. Lose weight…
d) I will keep my soul in my bo
e) I will finish reading Don Quixote
f) I will not firebomb the house of the next person who asks me what my New Year’s resolution is
g) I will be more decisive…although, I don’t know, I kind of like answer (c)…